


The Infamous Tale of Luke and Julie's Grand Trip Across America

by Ephemeral_Joy



Category: Julie and The Phantoms (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Alternate Universe - Road Trip, Angst, Attempt at Humor, F/M, Fluff, Hitchhiking, Humor, Music, Soul-Searching, Strangers to Lovers, We're having fun BUT WE ALSO have symbolism and character building bc thats who i am
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-07
Updated: 2020-11-07
Packaged: 2021-03-08 17:46:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 50,696
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27200629
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ephemeral_Joy/pseuds/Ephemeral_Joy
Summary: In any normal situation, Luke wouldn't let this random girl hitchhike with him across America.Then again, he wasn't normal. And neither was she.(or: the roadtrip!au no one asked for)
Relationships: Julie Molina/Luke Patterson
Comments: 268
Kudos: 468





	1. your eyes whispered: "have we met?"

**Author's Note:**

> get out your cigarettes and existential crises, ladies. WE'RE GOING ON A ROADTRIP! written from october 8th till november 7th. i, once again, hated every second of it. i'm never writing this much for two fictional teenagers again. 
> 
> i recommend listening to a good playlist. something nostalgic or very fanficy - your pick. i always enjoy the lumineers. 
> 
> edited | not beta'd | T for cursing and one time drug use | title by me :) 
> 
> find me on tumblr @lydias--stiles

**SOMEWHERE IN ARIZONA**

The thing about semantics was that is was pretty funny, Luke found. 

Was it a getaway car that got him on the road, or a runaway car? And did he really run away if his parents kicked him out? Sure, they probably didn’t expect him to drive across states and not look back but honestly - that was  _ their  _ fault. They should’ve known he would do something so radical. 

After their final fight in which his father flung his packed duffle bag on the front lawn and his mother was screaming and crying, he gave them the bird, yelled he would never come back, took the car and sped of. For a split second he saw his mother running after him in the rearview mirror. He didn’t look back after.

He’s been on the road for five hours now, just across the border into Arizona. 

Another thing about semantics was how exactly he’d define the relationships he had. He didn’t have siblings, but he had  _ brothers _ : Reggie and Alex. They were the family he would gush about; not his parents. And was a stranger really a stranger if they told you their entire life story, like those people who talked with Doctor Phil on TV. 

(Luke recently found out Doctor Phil wasn’t even a real doctor. For a moment, he felt like his entire life was one fucking lie.) 

Semantics had always mattered to him. Like right now, when the guy at the gas station was peering at him suspiciously. 

‘You look pretty young to be travelling alone. Don’t you have school?’

‘Graduated early,’ he replied smoothly. ‘I’m taking a gap year.’

If Reggie did what Luke asked him, he forged an email where his parents asked to take him out of school. It was his last semester of senior year, but fuck it - he was gonna fail math anyway. If he wanted a degree (which he didn’t, he just wanted to play music), he’d just get his GED. He wondered if Reg told Alex yet. Luke did feel guilty about keeping him out of the loop. The blonde was probably freaking out right now. 

The man looked down at his pile: a dozen energy drinks, Coco Pops, prepackaged bacon sandwiches, M&M’s, and a cheesy Hawaiian tourist shirt - the last one just for shits and giggles. He quirked a brow, Luke grinning back. 

He sighed. ‘Whatever.’ And then began checking his groceries.

Luke tapped his foot on the ground, aimlessly looking around the colourful aisles, when his eyes fell on a girl about his age. Short, caramel skin, big head of curls and looking like an 80s pop princess reject. Luke chuckled. He hasn’t seen a  _ tie dye mesh crop top  _ in a hot second. He also didn’t think he’d see a teenage girl at random ass gas station in a dusty Arizonian town at 4 PM, but here he was.

The girl came to the register, food and drinks in her hands. 

The balding guy looked marginally uplifted at the sight of her.  _ What? _ He was wary of him but not of the girl in platform sneakers? She was alone too and, as stated, a  _ girl _ ! 

‘Hey, Eddie.’

‘Hey, J.’

She knew the cashier-dude? Luke rolled his eyes, throwing money on the counter as the total blinked on screen. He felt her gaze burning at the back of his head as he walked away, the door falling shut. 

The summer heat was blazing down on him, the air becoming more and more baked the further he got into the Arizonian deserts. He found his car keys, lights shuttering as he unlocked it. It was an old station wagon: brick red with grey smears and scratches. The back window was fully blocked from the amount fo stickers he put on. Most of which being from Sunset Curve, the environmental awareness stickers from the cute calculus girl he used to crush on, and the occasional rainbow sticker from Alex. Business in the front, hippie in the back. 

‘Hey!’ A soprano voice called out. He turned around and saw the girl from the gas station running out the door. She stopped ten feet away. The plastic bag hung limp in her hand, looking completely out of place on the parking lot of this musty shack. 

‘Is that your car?’

His eyes flitted to the car, fingers tightening around the keys in his jeans. She didn’t seem like the type, but he has been in contact with enough crazed fangirls to know hundred pound creatures were capable of shivving someone. ‘Yeah…’ 

Julie grinned. ‘Great. Can I get a ride by any chance?’

He blinked.  _ The fuck _ . ‘No. You don’t even know where I’m going.’

‘Doesn’t matter.’ She came closer, mere feet away. The food he was juggling in his arms got annoying and dropped it in the passenger seat. Looking over his shoulder, the girl was still anticipating his answer. Did she not hear him say no? 

He gave in, interest  _ slightly  _ piqued. ‘Who are you?’ 

‘Julie,’ the girl beamed, taking one more step and stuck out her hand. Her nails were painted a glittery purple. ‘Nice to meet you!’

‘And… you came from a rave?’ He was in no place to be judgemental, but it wasn’t every day a stranger asked to get in his car and drive off to nowhere. 

She laughed. ‘No. I just…’ She looked down, as if only now realising what she was wearing. ‘This is just how I dress. What’s your name?’

A smile tugged on his lips and shook her hand. ‘Luke.’ 

Brown crossed green, and somehow he found himself saying the words she’d been asking for. Maybe he recognised himself in the desperation lingering behind the irises. The need to breathe, to be free.

‘Okay. Sure.’ 

‘Okay?’

He nodded at the car. ‘I’ll drive you.’

Julie perked up, cheering. ‘Thank you, thank you, thank you! I’ll be out of your cute head of hair at your next stop!’

He puffed, amused. This Julie girl definitely had personality. Pushing his stuff to the back, he made place in the passenger seat. 

‘Get in.’

Semantics were important. On first glance, Julie and him seemed friends, maybe even more if someone thought long enough. But two young adults driving in the car with The Cranberries blasting through the open windows? Nothing but strangers. 

They were on the road for ten minutes before Julie spoke again. ‘So, where are you going?’

He laughed, shaking his head. ‘You’re asking this  _ now _ ? After you stepped in the car with a stranger?’

‘Jeez,  _ dad _ , sorry.’ She puffed, her perky exterior falling flat.

It was a good question though. Where  _ was  _ he going? He hasn’t really thought about, not the kind of person to plan that quite ahead. He just wanted to get out, and when he did, he’d see from there. Maybe it’d be good if he had some vague idea of where he was driving - for his and sake. He said the first place he thought of. 

‘New York.’

‘Thank you.’ She fiddled with the radio. He slapped her hand. 

‘Don’t.’

‘But-’

‘Nope. This stays on.’ It was a dope track from Nirvana’s “In Utero”; he didn’t wanna listen to any poppy crap. 

‘It’s just guys whining and screaming,’ she complained. 

He gasped. ‘It’s  _ Nirvana _ !’ 

‘So?’

‘I’m  _ this  _ close to throwing you out the window.’

She puffed, amused. ‘I can already tell you’re harmless. Buying Coco Pops doesn’t really scream macho.’

Rolling his eyes, he took a left, going off the busy freeway and onto the vast, empty desert. A sense of relief washed over him, the tension in his neck easing up. The further he got away from home, the better he’d be. He lowered the music - just a little. A seed of an idea planted in his mind, but he pushed it down. She’d be gone in three hours anyway. 

Instead, he said: ‘But really. How long have you been hitchhiking?’

He scrutinised her. There was something magnetic about the way she held herself, the way she tilted her head at the question and a grin pulled on her lips and how at ease she felt in his car in mere minutes. She wasn’t his type. But she did seem like a cool person. They wouldn’t clash too much, he reckoned. 

‘Three days. It took some time to get out of the city.’ She stuck her hand out the window, fingers twiddling in the rushing wind. ‘LA people are like a cult - have you noticed no one ever leaves?’

Luke laughed, shaking his head. Julie’s openness to talk about whatever came to mind was fucking refreshing. She just straight up bashed an entire city -  _ his  _ city - and gave zero fucks. He was so done with its fake shit and petty problems that her frank reply solidified that one, it was good that he left and two, she’d be a fun companion for the next couple of hours. 

‘Yeah. I live in Orange County though. More surfer dudes and less pop stars.’

‘I live in Los Feliz. More gentrification and less sand.’

He tsked. ‘Fucking gentrification.’

‘Amen.’ She pointed at the stereo, pouting. ‘Can I really not…?’

‘Nope.’ Then he said the thought anyway. ‘Fuck it. Right here, right now: a rock crash course. There’s more to rock than this, trust me.’

She tilted her head in that way again and he raised his brows expectantly. His car, his rules. They were gonna listen to some rock and she was gonna love it. 

She chuckled. ‘Okay. Sounds good.’

Hell yeah! He flailed his hand at her. ‘There are CD’s in the glove compartment. Find Blink-182, Pearl Jam, Green Day, Bruce Springsteen and Sunset Curve.’

As she began rummaging through the compartment, she flung napkins upon napkins of Burger King over her shoulder. He grimaced, the trash a little too symbolic for the times he spent in his car instead of at home. She made a gagging noise. ‘You never clean here?’

‘Nope.’

‘Gross.’

‘Eh, you get used to it.’

She gasped, nearly knocking him out with her elbow as she pulled a CD out. ‘You have “Teardrops On My Guitar”!’

‘That’s Reggie’s!’, Luke groaned.  _ Great _ . Just as he was establishing his rocker-dude reputation, she found a Taylor Swift CD from 2006. 

‘ _ Sure _ ,’ she drawled. ‘I knew it. You’re a closeted swiftie.’

‘I can assure you: I’m not.’

‘Right.’

‘Julie. The CD’s.’

She giggled, placing the CD next to her, and continued searching for his recommendations. 

‘Sunset Swerve?’

‘Curve.’ Why did people always get it wrong?! It was a simple name!

She took out the CD. ‘Got it.’

‘Okay,’ he snapped his fingers, ‘I think we gotta go chronological for you to understand anything about how fucking incredible rock is. We gotta start with my boy Bruce.’

She flipped the case around. ‘Very Americana.’

‘The most. You’re gonna love it.’

Two hours went by in a blur of music history, complaints from Julie, pouty faces from Luke, a joint liking for a certain song, humming along to some and fighting over others. Overall, Luke enjoyed it. It was nice to see a stranger experience the vastness of rock for the first time. How all-consuming it could be, good or bad. He was kinda jealous. 

‘It’s so visceral.’ She commented when they went through Pearl Jam. ‘Like, I’m scared they’ll fall apart if they play just a second longer.’

‘That’s the best about rock,’ he smiled, ‘they keep playing, even if they’re… you know, hurting or on top of the world. It’s like this  _ need  _ they feel, this hunger. And the fact that they can touch people with that hunger for longing and belonging… I don’t know, man. Rock’s fucking everything.’ 

He felt her gaze burning when he talked. Shifting in his seat, he pressed on a smile. His empassioned speeches probably made her uncomfortable - even Alex and Reggie got tired of it. (Then again, they’ve had to listen to his spiel since they were twelve.) He was about to tone it down, maybe ask about her music taste, when she cut in. 

‘That’s nice,’ she said. ‘That you’re so passionate about this.’

He coughed, unsure how to reply to such a statement. So used to being admonished that praise felt odd. ‘Yeah, I guess. I mean-’ he sputtered out a laugh, scratching the back of his head. ‘What else are we supposed to do, right?’

He couldn't imagine a world where music was not a part of him. If music didn’t exist, then what was the point of it all? 

‘Music  _ is  _ the start of time,’ Julie agreed, taking him by surprise. She felt that way too? Or did she just follow along with him? ‘I think I’ve had enough of Pearl Jam. What about Sunset Curve?’

He prayed to God that he swiped out the little leaflet beforehand and was relieved when he saw that he did. It’d be hella awkward if she knew they were listening to his own music; she’d think he was an egomaniac or something - which, he was.  _ Sometimes _ . Again, something she didn’t need to know. 

Julie caught on. ‘Are you sure this is an actual CD and not just a mixtape? It’s bare.’

‘It is,’ he ushered. ‘Just play it.’ 

“Now Or Never” began blaring through the speakers, his hands thumping against the steering wheel in excitement. It took everything inside of him to not sing along and out himself. But  _ dude _ , this song was an absolute, legendary hit! It shot them into the next stratosphere of the LA scene! A college radio station even played it a few times. Her head began bobbing up and down, shoulders shaking along to Alex’s beat. 

‘This is good!’, she yelled over Luke’s vocal fry. It hurt like shit afterwards, but man did it make the track good. 

He beamed. ‘Yeah?’ 

‘My favourite one yet!’

Luke laughed, turning the volume to the max and rolling all the windows down. Hot air ruffled his air, glaring sun biting his eyes but he loved it regardless. This was the life he always wanted: on the road, living by no one’s rules but his own, rock ‘n roll and friends - even if now that friend was a girl whose last name he didn’t even know. 

‘ _ When all the days felt black and white, those were the best shades of my life _ !’ He yelled the lyrics into the sky, euphoria bursting in his chest. Alex didn’t like listening to their own music and Reggie wanted everyone to be happy, so Luke’s choice always got vetoed out. With Julie, he could unabashedly play his music for however long he wanted. 

The song faded out, electric strums leading into the next track. She didn’t react to the other songs like she did to the first, but there was a fixed smile on her face, like she was thinking of something funny. 

‘What?’, he said.

‘Hm?’

‘Your face.’

Her eyes widened as if he spat in her face. He cringed. ‘What’s wrong with my face?’

_ Fucking great Luke, good fucking job on that one.  _ ‘Nothing! Nothing! You just… seemed like you had a thought.’

It seemed to make her relax. He sighed. Crisis averted. ‘I did.’ She grinned. ‘But it’s none of your business.’

Quirking a brow, he surrendered. Julie was something else. 

The sun had begun to lower, painting the golden sandscapes in pinks and oranges. It left him breathless, ogling the sight in front of him. LA had beaches, but it was nothing compared to this. He was looking forward to parking his car in the middle of nowhere, turn off all the lights and lay on the top and stare at the stars and watch as they swallowed him whole and that then, he was apart of something bigger. Something greater and that _ for once _ , for one fucking second, he felt like he made it. 

Luke held back a frustrated cry. 

‘Fuck,’ he coughed. ‘What’s more to life than… this?’ He didn’t quite realise he said it out loud until Julie hummed a minute later. He glanced at her, a thoughtful look pulling at her eyes. She matched his intense gaze. 

‘What’s more to life than the road to greatness?’

He puffed, focusing back on the road and watched as a lone Jeep passed them by, a glimpse of a group of young people piled together. The sun was going down too fast and he wanted to grasp onto the image. Of yellows and pinks and oranges. He wanted something permanent. 

What an odd philosophical mood they were in. 

‘Who said that?’

‘Probably someone before me,’ she wondered. ‘But I think I just made it up.’

He hummed. ‘Patent that shit.’ 

He felt her gaze on him. Something twisted in his gut. ‘I will.’

A soft 70s tune floated between them, easing both into the early evening. He’d make a pit stop soon, marking the end of their short trip together. She’d go back to being a hitchhiking stranger, and he’d find his way to… somewhere. (He really ought to make a plan.) He slowed down an hour later, rolling onto the gravelly lot of a gas station. It seemed desolate, safe for the buzzing lamps inside. Julie stayed in the car as he went to pee. 

Luke stared at himself in the grimy mirror. There was something off about his reflection, the way he looked so… unhappy.  _ Still _ . But why? He should be fine. He was finally out of that miserable heap of a home. Sure, he was gonna miss the boys, but he wouldn’t be gone for long. Gone for the summer, tops. There was no reason for him to feel this way. Splashing some water on his face, he left the stinkhole and got back to the car, slamming the door shut. Silence settled like dust.

Wordlessly, Julie grabbed her stuff and opened the passenger door. He didn’t look at her. Why should he care? He had his own shit to figure out. 

‘Well.’ Julie pressed a smile on her lips, slinging her bulky backpack over her shoulder. Every time she spoke he was surprised at how crystalline her voice was. It made him watch. 

‘Thank you for the ride. I had, uh, I had fun.’ There was a pull telling her to leave and let him be, but even he saw that she was stalling. Whatever they had for four hours felt… unfinished. 

He nodded. ‘Me too.’

‘Cool.’ She tutted her lips and looked back at the dilapidated gas station. They just got worse the more midwest they got. He twisted his lip, disgusted at the sight of the flies swarming around a large trashcan at the side of the building. A body was probably rotting down there.  _ Big yikes _ . 

When he said nothing more, because what else was there to say, she took a step backwards. ‘Thanks for the ride, Luke. Take care.’

He bit his lip. ‘Yeah. You too, Julie.’

She frowned and shut the passenger door, the vision of her becoming yellow and not once did she look back as she strode towards the gas station. Something ugly crawled up his chest, but he pushed it down and turned the keys. 

He rode off, music blaring to keep his screaming thoughts at bay. Screaming at him to turn around and pick her up. But why? She was a  _ stranger _ . Just because they had a fun few hours yelling about rock and her unknowingly complimenting his band, didn’t mean he was up for a roadtrip with that girl. Sure, she was funny and a good companion and would probably keep him from going insane because he was horrible at being alone, but that didn’t mean---! That didn’t---!

Luke groaned. Fuck.

An abrupt U-turn and five minutes later, he was back at the station. He desperately hoped that in the ten minutes he was gone, someone else hadn’t picked her up. Luke groaned. Just then he realised the weight of how  _ badly  _ he needed someone to drive with. It was either a carbuddy or the insane asylum. There was something else, but he couldn’t quite place it. 

(It was worry -  _ oh _ , so that was what he was feeling - that crawled in his chest.) 

He sprinted into the store, a few old stragglers skulking in the corners and there, smack dab in the middle, Julie meandering around the millions of Oreo options. Relief cleared his mind. No straightjacket for him!

‘Julie!’

She looked up, surprised. ‘Luke? I thought you left.’

‘Uh, yeah, I did.’ He scratched the back of his head. Right now, he couldn’t even begin to  _ comprehend  _ why he felt responsible over her, but he knew it’d be wrong for her to not join him. Like a shared quest on a videogame or something. Julie belonged in that passenger seat. He supposed it was some weird voodoo cosmic crap Reggie jabbered about when he was high -  _ whatever _ . ‘But I hate being alone, so…’

A grin grew on her lips and his nerves were eased. Good. A smiling Julie was good.

‘I’m glad you snapped out of it,’ she cheered, throwing the sleeve of Oreos into his hands and messing up his already messy hair as she stalked over. ‘I knew you loved me.’ 

‘Aight. You’re getting cocky.’

She scoffed, sending him a look that read  _ bitch please _ . ‘As if I didn’t realise you were playing your  _ own  _ band.’

He froze. ‘What?’

Julie cocked her head and crossed her arms, looking way too intimidating for a girl that didn’t even reach his chin. ‘Sunset Curve? You have a very distinctive voice.’

He balked, too stunned to say anything against her quick wit. She stroked his ego even if she knew it was him? What the hell was that about? 

‘Wha-?’

Julie laughed, paid the cashier and ran out the door back into the car as if she owned it - and maybe she did after today. Just a little. He ran after her, the perpetual frustration that was always pressing down on his chest stopped for a split second. (And then it began again.) But it was okay. Because if he completely shattered and splintered onto the asphalt, Julie would be there. Sure, she wouldn’t know what to do. She wouldn’t be helpful, but maybe that was the whole  _ point _ . Luke needed someone that knew nothing about him. That would look at him and just accept that this version of him existed and that she should take it or leave it. Maybe she needed this too. 

She ripped the sleeve open, pulled her hair up with a scrunchie and bared her teeth in a grin that matched the sunset. 

‘Where to?’


	2. ain't it fun, remembering?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title: new girl // finneas

**STILL SOMEWHERE IN ARIZONA, BUT MUCH FURTHER THEN BEFORE**

Julie looked different in the morning light. Sleepier. Softer. As if they had bad internet connection and the video got blurry, or like an old home video. 

After a nap in some abandoned parking lot where Julie had momentarily freaked out because  _ what if there were predators _ and he momentarily regretted making the decision to keep this girl around that was essentially _ still a stranger _ (which he then told her, aggravated), they slept. Julie in the trunk, curled like a cat, him in the backseat. Luke thanked the music spirits he wasn’t as tall as Alex. That lanky 5’10 idiot would be miserable.

They woke again by four am and passed through Phoenix around five, watching as the city rumbled alive. He’d been sneaking glances at her, how she fell in and out of a slumber and absentmindedly traced figures on the window in the morning dew condensation.

Luke was never much of a sleeper. Even as kid. He wanted to be awake and  _ do stuff _ . Why waste precious hours when he could built an entire town with Lego? Play Pokémon on his GameBoy until it got snatched away? Why sleep when he could finish a song? His parents had grown tired after a while and just let him be. As long as he performed well in school (which he did… kind of), they’d let him do whatever he wanted. It was an odd sight, a ten year old boy without a curfew. Maybe that was the start of everything. (Ha! he thought. His  _ parents  _ had encouraged this rebellious streak inside of him! They should be angry at  _ themselves _ ! Take that!)

They stopped at a diner. A simple establishment with plastic tables and chairs and vending machines with coffee and soup and tea. An old woman stood behind the counter, piling on mushy-looking waffles under a heated display. They’ve changed out of their old clothes in the bathrooms and brushed their teeth, now silently sipping on their coffee.

Luke didn’t need sleep, but he did need coffee. He felt like there wasn’t a correlation. 

For the first time since she whined about the danger of predators, she spoke up. Her voice was hoarse. ‘Coffee… is…’ She blinked, staring into the watery cup. ‘Amazing.’

He didn’t reply, simply watched her come alive again. There was no point in talking to her when she was clearly not herself yet. Instead, he noticed how she didn’t look like an 80s character anymore. Baggy jeans and a dusty blue t-shirt with the constellation of virgo. Glasses were perched on her nose. She looked like a completely different person. Would she look different again tomorrow? He kind of looked forward to it, curious of what else resided in her bag. 

They bought a batch of said mushy waffles for breakfast and sandwiches for lunch. They sat on the hood of his car as they ate, idly watching the racing cars pass by. 

‘I lied,’ he whispered. 

It didn’t seem to faze her. ‘About what?’

He swallowed down the mush. ‘About where I’m going. New York was just… I just wanted to an answer.’

‘Oh.’

‘Yeah.’

She wiped her mouth with the greasy napkin, so thin the sun filtered through. ‘I thought you were gonna say something really horrible so I was bracing myself.’

He grinned despite himself. ‘Like what?’

‘I don’t know. That you’re a murderer or something. Preying on girls that don’t know about rock.’

Luke laughed fully this time, the clear sound cutting through the morning tranquil. He was eerily reminded of Alex’s anxious tangents, the only thing missing was her pacing around. She smiled, shoulders shaking with chuckles. 

‘Again, you thought of this  _ after  _ you got in my car? For a second time?’ 

‘We’ve gotten over this!’, Julie yelled and yup,  _ there she was _ . Coffee and some waffles, that was all it took. ‘You bought  _ Coco Pops _ ! And, you know: adventure! Personal quest!’

Now  _ that  _ piqued his interest. ‘Personal quest?’

‘A quest. That’s personal.’ She peered at him, brown eyes gleaming with an indescribable energy. ‘ _ Boundaries _ .’ 

Luke snorted and jumped off the hood, unlocking the car. ‘You just shouldn’t have said anything. I’m gonna find out what your little quest is.’

Julie followed suit, crossing her arms. ‘You won’t.’ Her definite tone was icy, an edge to it that it made him look at her. She caught on, stance dropping, and threw their trash in the bin.

‘Let’s go,’ she mumbled. 

The mood lifted slightly as he turned on the radio. Traffic babble and a promise of little games would fill the day. Luke shifted in his seat, fingers tapping against the steering wheel. Now that Julie knew he was driving… well, aimlessly, he had to figure out some sort of road plan. 

‘What’s your end destination?’, he asked. 

She didn’t reply, the question going in one ear and out the other. He frowned. Did she just completely tune him out because of an off-hand joke? He needed Fun Julie again. 

He repeated his question. 

Startled, she looked away from the window, wide-eyed.  _ Oh _ . Had she really not heard him? Did he really rattle her that hard with a simple tease that her mind was so far away?

‘Huh?’

Luke sighed. ‘Where are you going?’

‘Oh. Maine.’

‘Maine?’

‘Yeah. North-East.’

North-east. Okay. He’d map it out. Luke wondered what was up there though. Wasn't it just… one, big seaside town pretending to be a state? Lobster, old people - what was there for her to do? Maybe visit her grandma or something? 

'Why?' 

She turned to him, a big smile forming on her lips that was so fake it made him uncomfortable, and said: 'Twenty questions!' 

Alright. If she wanted to change the subject… he wouldn't press. For now. 'Sure.'

Relieved, she began. 'Favourite colour?'

'Red. Favourite season?' 

'Spring. Your best friends?' 

He smiled. 'Alex and Reggie. They're like brothers.'

'That's sweet.' Her idea was working, he found. All tension had vanished, even if he knew it was dormant. He sat a little straighter, switching stations to a rock sound. 

'You?', he asked. 

She swiped her phone and unlocked it. He glanced at the screen: Julie and another girl hugging each other. 'I have one best friend that's like my soul sister. Flynn.'

'Flynn?' He never heard of a girl with that name before. 

'Her actual name is Evelyn but she found it a boring name so when she was nine she made everyone start calling her Flynn and eventually it just... stuck.' She paused. 'That was your third question by the way.’ She thought for a long second and then said: ‘What do you think there is after death?' 

He sputtered out a laugh. 'Damn, Julie! Straight to the hard hitting questions!' 

'I don't know!' She played with the knobs of the radio and he slapped her hand away. 'We're literally in no man's land right now so...'

To prove her point, she flailed her arms around, as if he wouldn't see the barren, vast landscape in front of him. Arizona was fucking huge. He was curious what Texas would be like. 

'Alright. Life after death...', he mused. Luke wasn't one to think too far into the future. A head first kind of guy and then hope that the water wasn't too shallow. It has worked thus far. Death didn't bother him. He was eighteen! Plenty of other stuff to keep him busy with!

'I don't know. I don't really believe in heaven or hell. If it existed I'd to to hell though. God being mad I don't believe in him and shit.' He laughed, imagining an angry, old white dude reprimanding him. Huh. He looked an awful lot like his own father.

'Reincarnation sounds nice though. That you can still do stuff after your first life. Like, what if you wanted to go skydiving and then you never went skydiving? And then you die! But when you come back, you can go skydiving. Yeah.'

Luke grinned, satisfied with his answer. 'I've decided: after death there's reincarnation.'

He met Julie's baffled gaze. She shook her head. 'That... was a lot.'

'You asked for it and once I'm on a roll I can't stop!' His exclamation earned him a whole laugh from her. He looked at her for a second. She had a nice laugh. Eyes closed and teeth bared and the sound melodious. Warm. Pretty.  
When her laughter died down, he asked, softer this time: 'What about you?' 

Julie settled back, peering out into the land. Her eyes glossed over. 'I do believe in God. We didn't go to church every Sunday, but we... you know, we pray. Before dinner. I don't believe in heaven or hell because like, life isn't binary like that, you know? But I do believe in the afterlife - where you go to a place, and that place is different for everyone else, and where you can finally be at peace. It helps me cope.'

Luke froze at her words, hands gripping the wheel. An apprehensive feeling dawned on him. This was not just any answer to her. 'Cope?' 

Her jaw twitched. 'My mom died four years ago.'

Oh, fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Was this roadtrip gonna be a depressive fest? But holy shit.  _ Holy fucking shit. _

'Fuck,' he let slip. His eyes widened with pure dread and apology and then Jules looked at his expression and busted into guffawing laughter, head rolling back. 

'Your face!' 

'You were lying?!', he screamed, heart pounding. 

'No! But your face when you said "fuck" - oh my god! Like you just accidentally kicked a dog or something!' She wiped the tears from under her eyes, grin glued on her cheeks. 'Best response ever to my dead mom.'

'You're awfully casual about this.' He cracked his knuckles, easing the nerves. He truly thought this would be the worst interaction he ever had. 

She quirked a brow. 'You  _ want _ me to cry?' 

'Fuck no.' If there was one thing Luke hated more than anything, it was girls crying. He had no idea how to handle that. 

'It's been four years,’ she shrugged. ‘I learned to cope. No point in being dramatic about it. People die. And like I said, it's nice to think God is guarding over her.'

Embarrassment rushed into his head, cheeks colouring red. 'Sorry for, uh, disrespecting Him.'

'I'm not gonna shame you for being an atheist.' She patted his hand on the console. He smiled cautiously. 'Just cause we have a different opinion, doesn't mean we have to crucify each other.'

'Damn. You can put that in, like, The New York Times. Whole world needs to hear that.'

She smiled. 'I'll think about it.'

It was silent for a minute, both reeling from their sudden outbursts. He watched the road, an endless strip of pavement that disappeared behind the hills. The infinite land calmed him. Here, he was just Luke. No last name. Just him and his guitar and Julie With Also No Last Name in the passenger seat. 

Then, he said: 'I don't remember the number of questions.' 

'I think we're good.'

'Yeah.'

They stopped at another gas station, the instant smell of weed hitting his nostrils. Julie scrunched her nose. He matched her expression. 

'Alright. In and out in five minutes.'

She nodded and raced inside to the bathrooms. He didn't need to go and meandered around the lot instead. Despite the smell, it was a fancier establishment, with a glossy roof, a lot of seating spaces and a well-kept patch of grass. No "predator" vibes. 

The smell was so incessant now, he had to know where it was coming from. Was the owner just burning his whole fucking weed operation? Going full "Breaking Bad"? Luke got to the back of the building and was all of a sudden met with the sight of a group of people smoking. In a circle. All wearing beads in their hair and baggy overshirts from the 70s and it looked like a cult. LA Luke would join them without a second thought, but he was on edge. They looked harmless, sure, but what was the fun in smoking a full joint by yourself in a circle? Weed was meant to be shared in someone's bedroom, windows open and a blanket stuffed under the door. This was just plain weird.

Just when he wanted to walk away, they saw him. A girl with blonde dreads and an ear filled with piercings waved at him. Others noticed, motioning at him to come closer. 

'Hi,' the girl exclaimed, cheery and high as fuck. 'Wanna join?' 

'Uh…' 

'Bro, I love your outfit,' a burly guy said. 'Like you're Avril Lavigne's boyfriend or something.'

Another slapped his arm. 'Shh! Rude! You know Avril doesn't like his girlfriend! 

Another laughed at that and rolled over, tears streaming down her face at the lame joke and then suddenly stopped to look at the sky. Aight. He was convinced. Their stuff was  _ good _ . He could drive and be stoned anyway. 

'Sure,' he caved, plopping down between Blonde Dreads and Burly Man. The girl took a puff and then gave it to him. It has been a while since he smoked, usually in secret at Alex's house if the boy's anxiety got particularly bad and needed an escape. It was mostly edibles though. Saving their voice for music and all that. 

Luke inhaled deeply and closed his eyes; he felt as it swirled in his chest and breathed out again, a plume of smoke leaving his lips. The girl smiled. 

'Rad.'

'Yeah.'

He figured out her name was Zoé and that they were driving across America to New Orleans to learn more about witchcraft and spirituality. Burly Man, Emmett, had a blocked chi and needed healing. 

'Usually MJ helps,' he confided, 'but I'm just in a funk, man.'

'I get that,' Luke said and his voice felt so far away he was pretty sure he was baked too. Huh. Only what? Five, six hits? They had a good supplier. He sunk further into the grass. 'My energy is all fucked up too.'

Another - Paisley? - nodded sympathetically and patted his knee. 'Wanna talk about it?' 

He sighed. 'I don't know man. It's like. It's like math. Like really hard math. And the numbers are suddenly letters and-' he let out an erratic laugh, reverberating in his chest. 'I think I'm having an existential crisis.'

And then he laughed wholly, head lolling back and the others joined him. Someone screamed: 'To existential crises!' and they all took another hit and wow. Wow. His head. Was. It was. 

'Luke!' An angry Julie stormed his way. 'What the hell? I've been waiting at the car for thirty minutes!' 

He peered at her. 'I'm smoking.'

She scoffed. 'I can see that. Let's go. I'll drive.'

'Wow, girlie,' Emmett said, 'sit down. Relax. Seems like your energy is all warped up too.'

She grimaced. 'My energy?' 

Unceremoniously, Luke pulled her down next to him and gave her the joint. 

'I don't smoke,' she said, pushing it away. 

He balked. The mere thought that Julie never did drugs exploded in his mind. 'You've never smoked before?'

She clenched her jaw. 'Once, but I'm not doing it again.'

'Party pooper!' A guy from the other side yelled. 

'Fuck off, Carter!', Paisley yelled back. 'You don't have to if you don't want to. You have really pretty hair by the way like  _ wow _ can I have it please? Or like, your entire face. Luke, isn't she super pretty, I can't even.'

Julie and him locked eyes, hers softening and his glossed over. She didn’t look too upset, just worried. And so he wetted his finger and put it in her ear. ‘She’s a goblin.’

‘Luke!’

Zoé snorted a laugh. ‘Damn. Girl, break up with him.’

‘Oh,’ she slapped his hand away and then pinched his arm until he yelped. ‘He’s not my boyfriend.’

Emmett was thoroughly confused. ‘But… you look so…’ He directed his gaze to Zoé and Paisley as he looked for the word. ‘What is it?’

‘Pleasing to the eye,’ Zoé said matter-of-fact. She looked the least affected by the billows of smoke surrounding them. ‘Tv couples from the CW or something.’

‘I think I have to be white for that,’ Julie mused, causing the group to laugh. 

They talked for what felt like hours, about life and problems and the world and what Kellogg’s cornflakes was the best, which Julie closed with a statement Honey pops were the best and anyone else was wrong and full of shit. It shut them up entirely. After, she heaved him upright and murmured in his ear that it was noon. Noon. Fuck. How long had he been sitting here? This grass was a time warp.

‘Well,’ he smiled (but he could also be laughing, he didn’t quite know what his face was doing), ‘we got to go. This was dope.’

Julie rolled her eyes at his drawl and redirected to Zoé, Emmett and Paisley. ‘Nice to meet you all. Good luck with the witchcraft! Your chi will be okay, Emmett!’ 

Teary-eyed, the burly dude saluted them goodbye and the rest of the circle yelled some form of adieu as well. Luke sat in the passenger seat without protest. 

‘You smell like shit,’ she said.

‘Thanks.’ He rolled the windows down, the sudden quietude ringing in his ears. His throat was dry. ‘Can you even drive?’

‘I have my license, don’t worry. Just don’t have a car of my own.’ Wordlessly, she handed him a bottle of water which he instantly gulped down. ‘Our sandwiches are in the glove compartment. Eat now before you go absolutely feral.’

He ripped open his packaged bacon sandwich and took a bite, the taste heavenly. He groaned. This was the fucking best. ‘Did you know that I once ate twenty burgers in two hours? Wasn’t even high.’

‘ _ Oh my God _ .’ 

‘Hey, Julie,’ he continued, unperturbed, ‘why don’t you smoke?’

Julie managed to get the car back on the road, adjusting the seat to get it closer to the steering wheel. ‘You’re asking me why I  _ don’t  _ do drugs? Smart.’

He raised his hands in surrender. ‘Alright. Dumb question.’ He grabbed an Elvis CD and put it on. 

Julie sighed. ‘I just… when you lose someone close to you, your life changes. Completely. And you look at stuff differently. I smoked a blunt, once, but I felt so bad after because… this is  _ my  _ life. And do I really wanna smoke when I can have fun in other ways?’ She smiled at him, soft, and he felt the daze lessen. He was gonna have a pounding headache though once it wore off. A trickle of regret lingered as he processed her words. Did he do the right thing?  
‘Like hitchhiking with a stranger,’ she added, lighter than before. 

‘Sounds like the name of a song,’ he mused. Somehow, he ravaged the complete sandwich without realising. 

‘Your next Sunset Curve track?’

His gaze flit to her.  _ Right _ . She knew. He was wondering when she'd question him about it. 

He mumbled a “maybe” and didn’t say anything more, because fuck his throat was dry. She nudged at his seat. ‘Just put the seat flat and sleep for a few hours. You’re... ‘ She tutted her lips, seemingly debating her words. ‘Well, you’re useless right now.’

He gaped. Damn. Barely twenty-four hours together and she was already debasing him. But she was correct: he was a plant. Just vibing and uttering nonsense. Luke nodded and pushed the seat down until he was almost horizontal, grabbing his sunglasses to shield from the blaring afternoon sun. With the lul of Elvis Presley and hum of the car, Luke fell asleep. 

He dreamt of the fight with his parents. How his dad screamed he was a  _ failure  _ and his mom crying that  _ he was throwing his life away  _ and the phone that kept screeching in the background and the muted tv that played baseball as if either of them gave a shit about that. And how he, in pure, red rage screamed that  _ he hated them _ . His voice raw and dry and choked emotion in the back of his throat and  _ I will never come back! _ as the last words he ever said to them. He dreamt how his mother’s shoulders fell slack at the words and seemingly came around, but he was already out the door with the keys in his hand and it was too late.  _ What’s done is done.  _ Father held mother back as he drove off. The dream was much more vivid than thinking about it offhandedly. He felt the tension in his shoulders and the burning tears behind his eyes and it was as if he was there again. Replaying the moment again and again and again but now Luke wondered: _ what if he said something else? _

He awoke to the sound of the old Taylor Swift track Julie had previously gushed about. His eyes opened first, vision a blueish black from the shades. The sound was clearer now, Taylor lamenting about a Drew that made her feel breathless and he suppressed a groan. If he knew Julie better, he’d admit he did find Taylor’s later work good, but he couldn’t give her that pleasure.  _ Especially  _ not now. 

His gaze trailed towards the girl in question, singing the lyrics under her breath and tapping along on the steering wheel, a gentle smile on her face. She always seemed to be smiling. Luke quitely lifted his shades and noticed how the sky had darkened to a deep golden. They weren’t on a desert road anymore either. He smacked his lips.  _ Yup _ . Dry as fuck. 

She noticed his state and smirked, pumping up the volume to aggravate him even more. Little shit. ‘Good evening, Luke. We’re twenty minutes away from New Mexico.’

‘You’re playing Taylor Swift.’

Julie nodded. ‘I am.’ 

Luke sighed, closing his eyes. ‘I hate you.’

‘No, you don’t.’

‘I do.’

‘You don’t.’

‘I do.’

‘You. Don’t.’

‘Jules,  _ please  _ put something else on.’ He groaned, massaging his temples. ‘I have a headache.’

She froze, fingers hovering over the buttons of the stereo. ‘What?’

‘I have a headache.’

‘No.’ Her tone was blunt. It cut. ‘ _ What  _ did you call me?’

He cracked his eyes open. Did it matter what he called her? He tried to scramble for what he said but his mind was still waking up. ‘I dunno.’

‘Jules,’ she said, ‘you called me Jules.’

He wasn’t sure where this was going. ‘Okay?’

Julie bit her lip and he jerked his seat back up, confused. Why was she so worked up about a nickname? Has no one ever called her Jules? That seemed unlikely. Every time he said something, it was like he almost stepped a mine bomb and didn’t know how to tread further. He frowned. 

Her stony expression twisted into one of guilt and looked away. ‘I know you didn’t mean to… just please don’t call me that.’ Her eyes bore into his. ‘Okay?’ 

‘Uh, sure. Yeah.’ He couldn’t help himself, curiosity bigger than himself. ‘Why?’ Did it have something to do with her mom? Why she was going to Maine? 

Julie switched lanes at the sight of a sign that read “Diner: 5 miles” and gripped the wheel, knuckles white. The longer he was around Julie, the more he realised how wrong he was about her. She seemed so transparent yesterday, with the shiny nailpolish and platform boots, but she was like… a cave. Seemingly innocent and benign, but the deeper he traversed, the more peculiar discoveries he made. (Maybe it would lead to gems, maybe to ugly rats - he’d have to patiently wait for that, he reckoned.) Luke made a note to write that down in his songbook, proud of the analogy he just made when his brain was still bleary. 

‘I just don’t like that nickname,’ she muttered, but then shot him an apologetic glance. ‘Again, not your fault. You didn’t know.’

‘I won’t use it again,’ he promised. It gnawed though. Along with all the other things Julie hid or ignored or deflected. 

‘Thank you.’

The diner was busy. It was rectangular and long and littered with travellers. Luke would’ve thought that early May meant it’d be empty, but maybe this time of the year was prime time for childless couples to go on trips. Luke knew he didn’t want children. If he were a disappointment to his parents, how would he feel if he - somehow - made the same mistakes and produced a child with incorrigible flaws of his own? Nope. Not for him. Plus, he  _ hated  _ crying. And kids cried  _ a lot _ .   
They sat in the middle of the bustle, the booth made of blue leather and a scratched up table with people’s insignia. Luke liked that. They left a mark on the world. Once,  _ Peter Hastings + Jamie Finn were here _ . He patted his jeans to find a pen, but was left fruitless. Should he ask Julie for one? Or was she against vandalism? But was it  _ really  _ vandalism if the table was already marked by others? He felt like it didn’t count. 

‘Hey, Julie?’

‘Hm?’ She looked up from the menu placed in her lap. 

‘Do you have a pen?’

She threw him a pen from the front pocket of her backpack, him grinning in delight when it was one of the sturdy black ones. This shit was unremovable. Julie caught his face and snorted. 

‘You’re going to add your name?’

‘Yeah.’ He smiled, happy she wasn’t being judgy. ‘I like thinking there’s something permanent of me in the world.’ And then he wrote his name  _ Luke  _ in handwriting that could rival a doctor and snapped the top back on the pen, satisfied. When he glanced up, she was staring at him with an unrecognisable glint in her eye. He could almost hear the cogs turning in her head. Luke shifted in his seat. Did he say something that gave him away? 

Just when she opened her mouth, a waitress sprinted towards them and took their orders (burgers, fries and lemonade - regular for him, pink for her) in a rush. It was such a flurry of movement and hasty apologies for the long wait that Julie seemed to have forgotten about their moment and went on to talk about something else. 

‘I’m planning to go into college for costume design,’ she said. 

_ Oh? _ ‘Yeah?’ 

She nodded, a reserved smile playing on her lips as she leaned forward. ‘I remember seeing Lady Gaga’s meat dress as a child and I was so… shocked that she could wear that, and then I began wondering how  _ I _ would do it. I made sketches and later I took sewing classes and like, the absolute thrill of seeing someone wear what you made… it’s incredible. It’s like a spark igniting inside of you.’ A blush was forming on her cheeks as she kept talking, excitement too high that the words flew out in rambles.

Something twinged in his chest. He hasn’t seen such exhilaration in awhile. Usually he was the one giving the empassioned speeches; it was nice to be on the receiving end for once. Then it hit him.

‘Wait. So you’re in high school? You’re a senior?’ He laughed. ‘You’re also ditching?!’

Her mouth fell agape, stunned. ‘ _ You’re _ a senior?! I thought you were taking a gap year or something!’ 

‘I thought  _ you  _ were taking a gap year!’

Dread dawned on her face. ‘So… does that your parents and my dad are both on the look out for us?!’

The waitress came with their dishes and caught the latter of her sentence, quirking a brow but refrained from commenting regardless. Luke forced a smile, muttering a thank you. 

Then, he turned back to Julie, hissing: ‘Can you not scream? Or do you want India to hear you as well?’ 

Julie fell back in her seat, muttering a string of words in a language he guessed was Spanish and then took a deep breath. ‘Okay. So. Yes. I’m eighteen and a senior in high school. I should be studying for finals right now. You?’

‘Same here,’ he said, unable to keep the goofy, shit-eating grin off his face. This was just great: both of them were fucked-up losers on the run. ‘I mean, Reggie did sign me out. So,  _ technically _ , I’m not in high school anymore. I’m not going to college anyway. But, hold up.’ He leaned in, nearly breathing over her fries. ‘Your  _ dad  _ is gonna be looking for you?’ 

A shameful puff left her lips. ‘Yup.’ 

‘Oh, fucking hell.’ If his dad tracked her down, he might think that Luke did something and then they’d identify him and contact his parents and then everything would go back to shit. He was eighteen, sure, but formally speaking his parents were still his guardians. He didn’t have a credit card or a house or was even allowed to vote. They’d see him as a rebellious child and send him back.  _ Fuck fuck fuck _ . One solution could be to ditch Julie somewhere, but he somehow had grown attached to her. (Alex called it “only child syndrome” which meant Luke “craved attention”. Whatever. He was just an extrovert.) Another solution was to get really really good at hiding. Which, now that he thought of it, wouldn’t be much of a problem. He had a lot of training in pretending to be a ghost. 

‘You know what,’ he backtracked his previous  _ fucking hell _ and slapped his hand on the table. ‘Won’t be a problem.’

She stared at him like he lost his head. ‘What do you mean?’

‘You may not know this, but I am a mastermind in the act of disappearing.’ 

After gobbling down their food which left both with a stomach ache, they drove for a couple more hours until two in the morning. Passing the New Mexico sign felt like a victory. He let her play the music for once, her luckily picking a Billy Joel album found behind an old McDonald’s cup. He noticed her fingers dancing on the dashboard methodically, soft, as if she were playing piano. He wanted to ask how long she has been playing, but was too tired. The weed and midday nap really worn him out. 

They found a spot at dusty trailer park, one whose glory days were the seventies and now just held memories. She went back in the trunk, he the backseat. 

‘I had fun today,’ she whispered. Lights flickered outside, a lone car hooting as it passed. The AC blew softly. 

‘Sorry that I was gone for a bit.’ 

‘It’s fine.’ He heard her smile. ‘They were nice.’ She paused. ‘In another life, I’d be one of them.’

Luke liked that thought and wondered who he could be in a different life. One of those hippie stoners getting his chi checked out? A doctor? A middle school teacher? A sherpa? Or would he still be a musician, no matter what universe he lived in? He hoped so. With possibilities swirling around in his mind, he mumbled a goodnight and closed his eyes. There, as the light slowly darkened behind his eyes, he recalled the way Julie gingerly wrote  _ \+ Julie _ next to his in elegant writing as they left the diner. How she rushed out with a giggle. It was mismatched. But nice.

Julie was nice. 


	3. i wonder how it feels to be safe in the palm of your hand

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title: home // catie turner

**NEW MEXICO, NOT AT ALL WHERE HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL USED TO BE**

‘Okay, you are full of shit.’

‘Julie,  _ come on _ .’

‘No. You have a horrible taste in snacks.’

‘ _ I _ have bad taste? You like peanut butter and pickles - together!’

‘It’s not weird! You, on the other hand, like white chocolate. White! Chocolate!’

They’ve been going at each other about snacks since eleven in the morning after a pit stop at a gas station that held alternative snacks and like a dozen kombucha flavours. Odd to see in the middle of NM, but pretty gnarly either way.   
And then it happened. Julie’s offhand comment that she liked to  _ dip pickles in peanut butter  _ and he nearly barfed all over the aisle of artisanal granola. They were thrown out of the place right after. He has never seen steam come out of a guy’s ears, but Luke thought the cashier came close to it. 

‘It’s chocolate!’ 

She scoffed. ‘It’s hardened sugar. And what was the other thing?’

Luke sulked. ‘Hamburgers… with maple syrup.’

Julie stared straight out the window, appalled. ‘I am… disgusted.’

‘I really feel like we’re just skimming over the fact that you mix pickles and peanut butter.’

She peered at him, a mischievous glint in her eye he often found in his own. It unnerved him (in a good way). ‘String cheese and Nutella too.’

And then that feeling was gone. He wanted to push her out of the car. ‘Fuck. No.’

They’ve been driving smoothly for a while now. It was much busier in New Mexico than Arizona, jeeps and trucks swallowing them whole. They played a game of “funniest bumper stickers” (Luke won: “My Mom Is Sexy And She Knows It - Proud Son”), Julie tossed M&M’s in his mouth as he drove (which was… not their brightest idea) and Luke let her choose the music again. He wasn’t sure why, but her music taste wasn’t as awful as he thought. She did complain that he didn’t have an aux-cord which, admittedly, peeved him too. His car was stuck in the nineties.   
Fleetwood Mac blared through the speakers. Their quarrel died down, both falling into comfortable silence. It was only day three, but it felt like much longer. He didn’t know Julie’s last name and there was still a lot to unpack, but he really  _ got  _ her. That when she was thinking her head tilted to the side and that she drank her coffee black and that she hummed unknown melodies under her breath when she thought he wasn’t paying attention.   
And that she lathered Nutella on her string cheese. What the actual fuck.

‘I have to pee,’ she said. 

He shrugged. ‘We’re in the middle of nowhere. Gotta have to wait.’

She pursed her lips. ‘Okay.’

Five minutes later. ‘I have to pee.’

‘Julie.’

‘Luke, I need to.’

‘Do you not see where we are? I can’t just  _ poof  _ a bathroom into existence.’ That would be dope as shit though. Luke used to dream of being able to teleport. 

‘Fine,’ she groaned, ‘just stop here.’

‘What?’ Was she being serious? 

She tapped on her door. ‘Just stop here. I’ll do it on the side of the road.’

‘What if people see you?’ The roads were relatively empty, most pit-stopping for lunch somewhere, but there was still a chance some random people would see her ass. 

Julie rolled her eyes. ‘I’ll hide behind the car and be quick. And if people see me… I’ve embarrassed myself worse.’ 

Surrendering, he switched lanes until he was on the shoulder. Julie flung herself out of the car as he went to a standstill, him immediately looking the other way. Cringing at the thought that he might  _ hear  _ her, he called out: ‘Hey!’

‘What?!’

‘Tell me that embarrassing story!’

She puffed. ‘Why?’

‘So I don’t hear you take a shit!’

‘I’m not-! Fine. Uh…’ He heard her shuffle. ‘Once, I snuck into an ex-friend’s house to get something back and I got caught by her boyfriend at the time who was  _ also  _ my crush.’ 

‘ _ Ooh _ , Julie’s got a little crush!’, he teased. 

‘Used to! Nick was  _ not  _ worth my time. At all.’ He heard how she hiked her sweatshorts back up and saw as she guiltily threw a wad of tissue paper into the dirt. She shot him a glance. ‘Flynn would kill me. She’s all about the environment ever since Greta Thunberg promoted female DJ’s.’ She stepped back in the car and closed it shut with a content sigh. ‘Who have you crushed on?’

He leaned back in his seat, pondering. ‘I was obsessed with this girl in elementary school. Haley. She shared her apple parts with me in second grade and that was it for me. Then I had a girlfriend, Rachel, in sophomore year but she didn’t like music for some reason so we broke up pretty quick.’ He still wasn’t sure whether she was trying to be “cool” or if she actually didn’t like it - either way, it was weird. ‘And then it’s been me and the boys ever since.’

She wiggled her brows. ‘Bromance.’

He chuckled. ‘Sure.’ Semantics, always coming back to him. 

‘Alright!’ She clapped her hands and amped up the volume. ‘Let’s hustle!’ 

Except they didn’t. 

His worst fear came true: the car didn’t move. He tried again. Nothing happened. Fuck.  _ Fuck, fuck, fuck. _ No. Not right now when it was one of hottest days of the year. The AC had been blasting since seven am. The engine sputtered and churned and then it just stopped. A thump was heard and smoke began billowing out of the hood. Julie and him shared a frightened glance. 

Julie slapped his arm. ‘What did you do?!’

‘I didn’t do anything!’, he yelled. 

She stormed out of the car and opened the hood, Luke following suit. He had no idea how the inside of a car worked though. 

‘Huh. Interesting.’ With the hood exposed, he just saw a bunch of black parts, dirtied and rusty. So  _ maybe  _ he should’ve gotten his car checked out when he got it second-hand from Craigslist two years ago. And  _ maybe  _ his parents were right when they said it was sketchy. Whatever. He was dealing with it now, wasn’t he?

Julie, however, was  _ not  _ amused.

Her voice was levelled, anger bubbling underneath. ‘Okay, I don’t know much about cars but I don’t think it’s supposed to look like that. Have you ever even gone to a garage?!’

‘Does it look like I did?’ He wasn’t too frustrated yet. They just had to fix it. Find a manual online or mess around a bit; maybe there was a gas station nearby that was able to help. It wasn’t like the car was on fire!

‘Why are you so casual about this? This car is so old it probably has asbestos,’ she called out.

Luke rolled his eyes and grabbed his phone, a janky iPhone that had more cracks than actual screen, and searched  _ black smoke out of hood of car  _ only to get results that would annoy Julie even more. Yikes. They were gonna need help.  
He turned to Julie who was now sitting on the curb, shielding her eyes from the glaring sun as she tapped on her phone. 

‘So, I have good news and bad news,’ he said.

‘Luke.’

‘Alright.’ He sat down next to her. ‘The car has to be fixed by a pro, but I’m not sure if there’s a station closeby.’

‘I already checked. Not for another twenty minutes.’ She gave him a rueful smile. ‘I forgot that roadtripping also means you have to go through the stupid stuff.’

Sweat trickled uncomfortably down his back. He wished they were still with the stoners; he’d have something to space out with until they found a solution. Shrugging the muscle tank off, he wiped his armpits. 

Julie grumbled at the sight. ‘ _ Ew _ . Can you not do that?’

‘Don’t like my muscles?’, he teased as he flexed his biceps. It was always a hit for Reggie with girls at Sunset Curve concerts. 

‘Can your muscles fix the car?’ She shot him a look that killed, him backing down. 

‘ _ Jeez _ , okay I get: no jokes.’

They sat on the curb for a while. He didn’t know how much time passed, but it went by with Julie and him napping (until the car felt like it was boiling), telling random childhood stories (how Carlos, her brother, got a black eye during Just Dance; how he got the small scar on his chin by accidentally biking into a ditch when he was eight) and eating all their snacks. He thought about grabbing his guitar and playing some music, but chickened out. There was a difference between playing for thousands of people and playing for one person. It was uncomfortably intimate. Instead, Julie began playing some music from her phone, most of it overpowered by cars rushing by. She had good playlists though. It was a lot of synth 80s music, 2000s R&B and artists so indie they only had twenty followers on Spotify. Sometimes a classic came on and he’d sing along and notice how she hummed the harmony quite well. Julie’s voice wasn’t half bad; a little raw.   
It was in those hours that passed that, for some reason, Luke felt at ease. The silent camaraderie shifted something for them. It felt like he was with Alex or Reggie, where they could be in the same room forever and they could be laughing or quiet or crying or simply  _ talking _ , and it was… okay. In a different universe, Julie and him and the boys would all be best friends. He wondered where she went to high school. They were both from LA, so what if he passed her and didn’t notice? What if they’ve crossed paths so many times and only know were intersecting? Luke didn’t believe in cosmic signs or fate or karma or God or anything, really. But… right now, with Julie humming along to “Brown Eyed Girl” by Van Morrison - the first song he  _ ever  _ learned on the guitar - it kind of felt meant to be. The song drummed inside of him. She met his gaze, smiled, and closed her eyes. 

Yeah, maybe it was. 

As a Black Eyed Peas track was playing, a car slowed down and came to a standstill a few feet away. Julie shot him a concerned look, his heart lurching to his throat as he hadn’t even considered they were two teenagers on the side of the road that were, admittedly, vulnerable to strangers. Crazy strangers. She grabbed onto his wrist as he stood up. 

An old lady stepped out of the car, no more than five feet tall with hunched shoulders and dressed in black. She had long, silvery-pink hair and a face like parchment paper. 

‘She looks like a witch,’ he whispered. 

Julie suppressed a giggle. ‘She does, doesn’t she?’

‘Hello, kids!’, the woman called out. It was croaky and faint. She pointed at his car. ‘Car troubles?’

Luke nodded warily, sharing a questioning look with Julie and then said: ‘Yeah. The hood’s messed up.’

The woman came closer. He now noticed how her eyes were silver as well. Okay, she was  _ definitely  _ a witch. He decided not to fuck with her and give her the honest answers. 

‘Are you waiting on someone?’, she asked. 

‘No,’ Julie said, ‘kind of just waiting for a solution.’

She smiled, most teeth filled out with gold. ‘Can I look?’

Luke sprung into action. ‘Uh, yeah, sure!’ He opened the hood again, grimacing at the interior. It looked  _ really  _ bad. The woman stared, eyes slightly glossed over. Luke shifted on his leg; she gave him weird vibes. But she seemed confident. Maybe she helped enough so that they could reach the next station? 

And then she prodded her finger in one of the holes and he had to back the fuck up. This was too insane for him. Julie was by his side again, stretching her neck to get a glimpse of the woman was doing. Wasn’t Julie religious? Didn’t she have some cross with her to ward off this witch? Or did that only work on vampires? Or was it demons? Fuck. He should’ve paid attention to Reggie’s crazy conspiracy theories!   
They heard some scratching, a thump, a low mutter in a language that he was pretty sure came from a spell from Harry Potter, and gargling. Could’ve been the car or the lady - he wasn’t sure of anything anymore. 

The woman turned around, victorious, and slammed the hood shut. ‘Should work just dandy now. You have a neat car, boy.’

Julie snorted unceremoniously, slapping a hand on her mouth as she saw the scathing look on his face. What the hell did this woman do? 

‘How did you fix it?’, Julie asked. 

Her eyes glimmered, expression unreadable. ‘Just a little TLC is all.’

‘Magic,’ Luke whispered in her ear. Julie pushed him away and walked up to the lady, gently shaking her hand. 

‘Thank you, miss.’ 

She dismissed her. ‘No worries. Anything for a young, travelling couple like the two of you.’

‘Oh.’ Julie looked back at him, sheepish. Luke frowned. Did they really give off the vibe they were in a relationship? ‘We’re not- we’re not dating.’

‘Oops. Apologies! 2020 is the new seventies after all,’ she winked. ‘Boys and girls can live harmoniously these days. Anyway, have a safe trip! And maybe…’ her gaze crossed Luke’s, silver irises shifting to amber. His jaw fell slack. ‘We’ll meet again.’

Unfazed, Julie nodded. ‘Yes. Thank you so much!’

The lady left, trudging back to her car and getting on the road. Luke was speechless. Did he just… imagine everything? Did Julie not see how her eyes changed like a fucking lizard? How was she calm about any of this?! And how the fuck did that woman fix the car without any tools? 

‘What’s wrong?’, Julie asked. 

‘That… Julie, did you not see that?’

‘See what?’

Exasperated, he yelled: ‘Her eyes! They- dude, they changed  _ colour _ .’

She rolled her eyes. ‘Don’t be ridiculous.’

‘Julie!’ He grabbed her shoulders. ‘She is a  _ witch _ !’

‘I think you have a sun stroke.’ She shrugged him off and grabbed their stuff of the curb, dumping everything in the car and turning up the AC. ‘Come on, I’ll drive. You can… calm down or something.’

Grumbling, he sat in the passenger seat and put on an old jazz CD Reggie once thrifted. Julie snickered at the pouty look on his face. He couldn't help it! He knew he didn’t have a sun stroke! That woman was some type of supernatural and  _ she  _ knew that  _ he  _ knew and teased him by letting her eyes do that voodoo type of shit.

The car successfully roared to life. Jule drove back on the highway. A smile tugged on his lips - at least the witch’s powers had been useful. They did lose most of the day though. 

She decided to humour him. ‘And  _ if  _ she was a witch, then she was pretty cool. I mean, her hair…’

‘You’d dye it pink?’

‘I think my hair would fall out from all the bleach, but yeah. Why not. You?’

‘I’m good.’

‘Hey.’ She placed her hand on his and saw her concerned look. ‘You look really freaked out. Just take a nap and I’ll wake you when I find a place for dinner.’

Warmth flared in his chest as he nodded, an involuntary blush spreading on his cheeks. Damn, flustered too? That woman did a number on him. 

‘I bet her name was Lucy or something,’ Julie quipped, an adorable grin to match. He shut his eyes. That was a weird thought. ‘Or some other witchy name. Like, Rowena.  _ Ooh _ , or Ruby! Have I told you I’m into astrology? I’m not sure what your zodiac is but…’ Her voice trailed off as sleep began dragging him down. He wanted to fight against it, hear what she had to say, but maybe Julie was correct in guessing the sun had blurred his mind. 

Luke dozed off with jazz and Julie’s pleasant voice whispering in the background. 

Later that night, they went to a drive-through and stopped the car at a camping site that bordered a lake. There were maybe three other cars, all next to their designated caravan. Both were excited and decided to take the day off tomorrow to enjoy the good weather and the lake. Their eyes were getting weary and desperately needed a break from focusing on the road for hours. He knew he packed his swimming trunks for a reason. They were sharing sad-looking apple slices when Luke got an idea. 

‘Why wait?’

Not following, she frowned. ‘What are you talking about?’

‘The lake. Why wait?’ A mischievous Chesire smirk grew on his face, adrenaline building in his chest until the impulse was so strong he snatched her hand and dragged her with him. 

‘Luke!’, she yelled. 

But it was too late. Guffawing with laughter, he jumped from the small wooden pallet into the lake, her a second behind. Freezing water rushed around him, exploding in his ears as he sunk to the dark deep. Julie was a vague silhouette in the periphery of his gaze. He swam up and cold air instantly hit his forehead. Mosquitos were about to swarm them in no time. The sound of crickets crowding the shrubs was almost deafening. Julie came up, gasping for air. 

‘Luke!’

‘What?’, he laughed. 

And then she splashed and dunked him underwater and he knew it was all good. They played around for a while, ignoring the numbness of their limbs as they tumbled and raced, laughter incessant and so loud it made him ache. His clothes were weighing him down, but there was no point getting his trunks now.

Julie taught him how to float on his back (which took an embarrassingly long time) and for a moment it was tranquil. 

‘I used to believe in mermaids,’ Julie said. They were floating side by side, fingers barely touching. His eyes were fixed on the moon. It was full. 

‘Me too,’ he admitted. 

‘Really?’

‘Yeah. I think because I used to have a crush on the girl from “H2O”. The brunette one.’ Luke chuckled, thinking back of how mesmerised he was by the girls in that show during elementary. 

‘Cleo,’ she supplied. ‘I think everyone had a crush on her. Flynn too.’ Julie paused and he, making sure he didn’t lose his floating ability, took a glance at her. Her eyes were wide and astonished, lips parted as condensation left her lips. She almost seemed lifeless, safe for the slow rise and fall of her chest. Long curls drifted around her like an aura. 

If he didn’t believe in mermaids before, he’d belive in them now. She looked otherworldly. Untouchable. He stared at her profile with fascination, afraid that any noise he’d make would break the spell and bring her back to earth. 

‘I’m happy,’ she whispered. 

Green crossed brown. Her look was unreadable, but the words ran deep. Pure, unadulterated.  _ Happy _ . Like a truth spoken into the universe and answered with a breathy smile of his own, too stunned by the overwhelming presence of  _ her  _ to give a decent response. Julie was ethereal. She didn’t look away. 

‘Me too,’ he said.

Then, it was her that broke the trance. She let her body drop back into the water and swam to the shore. Luke took a moment to collect himself, inhaling deeply as he stared back at the moon. Its grinning face stared back. He stuck his tongue out and then came into action. It was cold as fuck. A shivering Julie stood on the platform, rummaging through his bag to find the car keys. Lights flickered as she found them and dove in the backseat to grab one of the fleecy blankets he used to cover his belongings. When he reached the shore, he heard her gasp. With a blanket wrapped around her, one blue hand held his guitar. 

‘You have it with you?!’

His teeth were chattering and urged him to run into the car. Didn’t matter if his seats were gonna be soaked; rather that than die of fucking hypothermia. 

‘Uh, yeah…’, he drawled, grabbing a towel to dry himself off and changing his wet t-shirt for a thick hoodie. Julie looked away when he began pulling off his pants. 

‘Why didn’t you tell me? I would love to hear you play.’

‘You do?’

‘I like your band, so…’

When he was finished changing, he got out of the car again. It’d be awhile before his toes had feeling again but  _ God  _ \- wearing warm clothes felt like being hugged.

‘Your turn. It’s not like I was trying to hide it, but it’s very… uh… intimate, I guess. To play for one person.’ Luke loved sharing his music with others, making them feel whatever he wanted them to feel with just a few verses and a chorus, but it was different with Julie. Her stare unnerved him in a way that made him feel like he was flailing. He supposed she just had good eye contact and that _ it wasn’t a big deal _ , but somehow… 

In just a few days, Julie had the ability to look straight through him. See his thoughts and pluck them from his mind. It was scary. It was scary how well she fit herself in his life. His runaway life, at least. 

Julie appeared from the car in another set of clothes, bundled in woolen socks and a sweater. They probably looked ridiculous. It was May and they seemed to be preparing for an Alaskan winter storm. Julie noticed too and chuckled. 

‘We look cute. And I understand, Luke. If you ever change your mind…’

‘I’ll let you know,’ he whispered, a steadfastness to his tone that surprised himself. 

‘Thank you.’

The pair stared at one another for a moment. A quiet understanding of  _ yes, I respect you _ and  _ yes, I promise you _ . He wasn’t sure what he was exactly making a promise for - aside from playing the guitar. It felt definite though. An irrevocable urge to say  _ yes _ . Yes to anything she said. 

_ Yes _ , he thought,  _ I care about you _ . 

* * *

He was awoken by the bright chirps of birds, so close it felt like they were singing in his ear. The car felt humid, their soaked clothes making the interior smell like wet dog. Luke wrinkled his nose. Today, he’d let the doors stay open. No fucking way he was gonna drive with that stench around. 

Julie had already opened the trunk, eyes sleepy as she quietly ate a rice cracker and stared out at the serene landscape. The lake looked different during the day. Normal. He joined her on the trunk and grabbed a Pop Tart from the carton.   
He has cataloged what he felt yesterday - that imminent feeling that he was on the edge of a cliff and that Julie made him jump  _ for her _ \- as exhaustion and the effect of the full moon. Lunacy and all that. Julie herself didn’t affect him like that. As if Luke would ever be shaken by something as trivial as a  _ girl _ . Reggie chased girls - Luke stayed with music. 

‘What’re you gonna do today?’, he asked. 

She swallowed the cracker, pensive. ‘Read. I think. Maybe swim if it isn’t too cold.’

‘You swam last night,’ he pointed out. 

She shot his a look and pressed a finger into his shoulder. ‘ _ You _ dragged me in the lake with you.’ 

‘Right,’ he chuckled. 

‘I thought my fingers were dying.’

‘Lucky,’ he gaped, ‘I still don’t feel my toes.’

Nudging her sock-clad foot against his, she asked: ‘Now?’

He smiled, that warm feeling returning. ‘I was joking.’

‘Oh,’ she mumbled, cheeks flushing. ‘I’m still tired.’

‘Yeah, you’re not a morning person.’

She scoffed. ‘You’re just a 24/7 person. When do you  _ not  _ have energy?’

‘Being tired is a choice,’ he shrugged. 

‘ _ Oh my God _ .’

The day was spent lounging around the lake. Julie, as told, was reading some old Kerouac paperback. One glimpse and he noticed the butterfly stickers on the back and pencil annotations in the yellowed margins of the paper. She looked almost embarrassed when he asked what it said, so he didn’t press on further. There was a lot Julie didn’t say. Then again, she didn’t know why he did the things he did. 

As for him, he swam when the heat got too much and explored the grounds. The lake was in an alcove of the woods, the car parked on the meadow surrounding it. There were signs leading to trails that stretched miles. This was clearly a place to sleep for those that trekked the woods. He hadn’t seen the people who the caravans belonged to. Maybe they were hermits. He chose to walk the smallest hike and hoped that his simple sneakers wouldn’t hurt his feet. 

It was the first time since he met Julie that he was alone again. But when he thought about it, he realised it has been much longer. LA was so busy, so loud, so much of everything. And Luke liked that. He was busy and loud and much too. But he was never able to think. And then he snapped. And now here he was. Finally, truly, alone. He wasn’t used to being alone with his thoughts, because when he was, they decided to war against his beliefs and what he deemed correct. Like the guilt he felt, that he previously found to be righteous anger. Or that the fear of playing in front of Julie was really just cowardice.

Those thoughts keenly reminded him why the stereo was always on. Silence was scary. 

He hiked up a small hill, pebbles crushing under his feet as he reached the top and overlooked a sweeping, mountainous landscape. Who would’ve thought a state like New Mexico was actually… kind of beautiful? He breathed deeply. In another life, he’d be a park ranger. A swift memory of a young Luke playing with a park ranger Playmobil came as it went and then he wondered what it would be like to run around the woods naked and then he wanted to scream and see how far it travelled and what if he just decided to fuck it and walk the longest trail? Challenge how long he could be alone, how much he could be with himself. 

Or maybe he’d keep listening to music with Julie. That sounded better. 

Passing a brook on the way down, he heard how the sound of water hitting rocks mixed with the faraway hum of the radio. He came out of the woods into the clearing and saw Julie dancing by herself. An upbeat folk song was playing, her moves big and exaggerated as if the music possessed her in all different directions. The bass reverberated in his bones, pushing him closer. It was then that she saw him, her elated expression widening, and began to dance even sillier than before. He laughed, walked to the car and amped up the volume. He didn’t need to travel; songs would do it for him. 

Yes, Luke decided, music was always better. 

In the afterglow, they ate dinner. A few miles from the campsite was a random ass diner that he was pretty sure was haunted  _ or _ housed multiple murder scenes, but they sold beef jerky and pretty good fries, so they didn’t  _ really  _ have a choice. (Later, he’d get a stomach ache and wonder out loud if maybe there  _ were  _ some human parts hidden in the jerky to cover up their scandalous activities. Julie would roll her eyes and tell him he needed to get rid of his brain.) They played hangman and tic-tac-toe on a map they found in the glove compartment and Julie told him all Carlos’ best jokes. He was content. Yet something lingered at the back of his mind. Something he thought of while hiking. 

But he chickened out. They had such a nice dinner just joking around that he didn't want to dampen the mood. Luke kicked down doors and claimed the room if he wanted to, but when it came to personal shit... it was hard.

He heard Julie's easy breathing in the trunk. He stared at the ceiling, eyes burning as it began to look like a broken TV-screen. The instant relief he knew he would have if  _ he just strummed his guitar _ began to feel like withdrawal, fingers itching to touch the snares. But he couldn't. Because  _ if  _ he did...  _ when  _ he did…

Luke didn't know if there was a way back.

A murderous scream erupted from the trunk. Julie yelled her voice raw as she thrashed and kicked and cried in her sleep. Luke sprung up and hit his head in doing so. Cursing, he crawled out of the car with mortification bubbling in his throat. He opened the trunk and instantly got a hold of her shoulders.

'Julie!'

She didn't stop. If he didn't do something she was gonna hurt herself! He bend over and pressed her torso against his, arms pressed against her sides to stop her from flailing. Luke clenched his teeth, keeping a whimper between his lips. She hurt his ribs, but he didn’t care.

Suddenly, she fell slump in his hold.

His heart was erratic, body trembling at what had just conspired in the last minute. What the fuck did she just do? 

She awoke, expression drowsy yet twisted in pain. 'Mom?' 

Luke stared at her, disbelief falling onto his features.  _ Oh _ . 'No,' he choked out. He wanted to throw up. 'It's Luke.'

Her disoriented gaze found his, realisation settling. They stayed like that for what felt like ages, but he knew it must've only been a few seconds. 

'What happened?', she whispered.

'Nightmare.' He detangled himself. 'You were yelling really loud.'

'Oh.' She looked down, looking so small it made him ache. Whatever she dreamt about, it must've included her mom. She placed herself at one end of the trunk, he on the other. She silently stared back at him, eyes unfocused through the darkness.

He swallowed the bile down. 'Wanna talk about it?'

She rolled her lips, a frown etched on her forehead as she struggled for words. 'I dreamed that... 

One week ago, I found my mom's diary. It contained all the answers I’ve always needed. She had this... whole secret life I never knew about. She was part of a big band in the nineties. She lived all over the world. She... hid this  _ entire  _ part of her identity and now that she's gone... I feel so lost. I have no idea who I am, because I didn't even have the  _ slightest  _ clue who she truly was. It was like the ground disappeared and,' she huffed bitterly, 'I feel like I’m still falling. It's- it's terrifying.’ 

Julie paused, pressing her eyes shut to let the tears flow freely. Luke could only focus on breathing.

‘But in her diary… she wrote that she was born in Maine. That she grew up in this small seaside town and dreamed of more.'

She let out a shuttering breath, everything spilling out too fast.

'I also dream of more. And I think that if I go there, I get to figure it out too.'

Luke didn't know what to say. 

'I dreamt that my mom was disappointed in me. That all of this is a mistake.' Her voice broke at the latter, torso hunching over with anguish.  
Thick with emotion and more tears rolling, she said: 'I'm sorry. I didn't mean to load this onto you.'

Luke fell into action instinctively, hand reaching out to grab hers. 'Julie, no, don't. Don't apologise. You don't-' He shook his head, trying to collect his thoughts. 'You don't have to apologise. That's heavy shit.'

She puffed out a laugh. 'Heavy shit.'

Luke didn't know how to comfort her. He wasn't good at that kind of stuff. Alex was an expert at calming people down, whereas he ran away from a single tear. He would never be able to be Alex, but he could try. In his own way. 

'Do you wanna know why I'm here?'

Julie looked up, surprised. He let go of her hand and wringed his own. Nerves tensed his neck, but the darkness was welcomed. It gave some sense of anonymity. 

'I, uh, I fought. With my parents. And I told them I hated them. That I was never coming back.' He couldn't look at her, the absolute guilt eating him alive. He told his mom he hated her, which he didn't even mean, meanwhile Julie's mother was  _ dead _ . 

'They were so mad I was following my dream to be a musician that they kicked me out, but instead of crashing at Alex or Reg, I just kept driving. I haven't told the boys yet, but...' He never said it out loud. 'I wanna start new. Somewhere else. I owe this band my life, but I just can't do it anymore. Not like this.'

Luke pressed his eyes shut, willing the tears to stay behind his sockets. Everything was too much. The emotions, the memories, the guilt. The goddamn guilt.  _ He ran away _ . 

'I'm sorry life turned out for you this way,' she whispered, looking equally as helpless as him. 'Thanks for... for sharing.'

He blurted out the words before he could take it back. 'I know I'm not... the easiest person to hang out with sometimes, but thank you. For sticking with me. For caring.'

Julie twisted her lip. 'Thank you for giving me a ride.'

He laughed, so quiet it disappeared as it happened. 'You're welcome.' And then, croaking: 'Can I play? Please?' 

'Of course,' she whispered. 

He played until the sun came up. With each chord, the weight in his chest lifted. By dawn, both were smiling. Broken and teary-eyed and far from being okay - or even normal. But smiling. Still smiling. 

It was a start. 

‘Hey, Luke?’

‘Yeah?’

‘You can call me Jules.’


	4. you take all my inhibitions, baby

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title: there's nothing holding me back // shawn mendes

**TEXAS,** **IN WHO KNOWS THE FUCK WHERE. IT’S ALL FUCKING DESERT BUT LUKE THINKS THERE ARE DEFINITELY COWBOYS NEARBY**

As Luke expected, emotions led to awkwardness. 

They crossed the border by noon, passing the cheery _ Welcome To Texas  _ sign in silence. While they were still fine at dawn, the bright daylight showed the ugly parts the shadows of the night were able to hide. Julie’s puffy eyes, Luke’s pale face. It told him that what had happened, was real. He did tell her about his guilt. She did tell about her purpose. Luke felt like he accidentally saw her naked or something - and she him. Unfortunately, in this unbearable Texas heat, they were left in shorts and tanks, making his comparison a little  _ too  _ accurate.

Safe to say he couldn’t look her in the eye. 

Chuck Berry kept the pace up, his classics churning from the radio. Luke nodded his head along as he drove, absentmindedly tapping on the steering wheel as his eyes wandered across the endless road. They were alone once more, the hectic highways of New Mexico fading with each mile that passed. 

Luke wasn’t looking forward to this part of the trip. Texas was big and unending. He would like to try the barbeque, but he once heard Texan kids dying from food-truck BBQ before they even reached the hospital. Getting killed by honey-lathered meat was  _ not  _ the vibe right now.

Despite this, he felt relieved. He finally played again. It had been the longest period of not playing ever since he first picked it up when he was ten. Second longest time was the time he broke his wrist when he fell on the ice skating rink, but even then he just learned to play with his left. The feel of his callous fingers strumming flooded him with new melodies and songs, with a type of enthusiasm he hasn’t experienced in a while. It was like he drank five Red Bull’s or something. It spurred a power in his gut, pushing him to write the songs he used to roll his eyes at. The urge scared him. Emotional songs were not his thing. He didn’t know where to start. 

‘Look,’ Julie said, holding the map in front of her face. She drew a giant butterfly in the northwest. He mustered a smile. 

‘You draw?’ It made sense, he supposed. She did want to make costumes. He wondered if that dream of hers would change when she got to Maine. Was any of what she previously said even true anymore? 

She shrugged. ‘I like to doodle sometimes. What do you do when you’re not playing music?’

‘I  _ listen  _ to music,’ he grinned. She rolled her eyes and suddenly it wasn't so awkward anymore. ‘You know this, Jules. It’s me, myself and music. Sticking it to the man with awesome songs.’ He nodded at the radio. ‘Chuck Berry gets it.’ 

She folded the map. ‘That could be a Tinder bio.’

‘ _ Ooh _ , Reggie had it for a second. Swiped right on  _ all  _ the girls in the area and then got overwhelmed when he got like a hundred messages and then deleted it.’ He tutted his lips. ‘I don’t think my charisma would shine through over text.’

‘ _ Right _ ,’ she drawled. ‘Because charisma is something you  _ definitely  _ have.’ The sassy remark took him aback, placing a hand on his chest with faux-hurt. 

‘Jules,’ he gasped, admonished.

‘It was an open goal.’

He sputtered a laugh and shook his head as he rolled into a gas station for snacks. It has become routine by now: Julie grabbed all the bacon sandwiches she could find and he picked out soda flavours they haven’t tried.  _ Elderberry _ .  _ Blue Tangerine _ .  _ Aquatic Mango _ .  _ Spicy Chocolate Bean _ . Brands were fucking insane. 

‘Luke?’

‘Yeah?’

‘Do you want “bacon cheesy panini” or “cheddar bacon bits sandwich”?’

‘Both.’ He walked up to her, grinning from ear to ear as he placed his assortment of drinks next to her. ‘Boom. Cherry Hibiscus and Salty Pineapple!’ 

‘Ugh,’ she spit. ‘After this I’m not drinking soda for a year.’

Laughing, he placed his hand on the shelf. ‘Nah, because drinking soda will make you think of  _ me  _ and I am the best person ever!’

He didn’t even realise he was looming over her when she rolled her eyes goodnaturedly and slipped underneath his arm. He fell slack. What the fuck was he doing? One second he was buzzing with energy by just looking at her, and the next he was cold all over when he realised he was _buzzing with energy by just looking at her_. It was… unwelcomed. (But nice.) His hand raked through his hair, collecting himself. It was just because of what happened last night, he reminded himself. They connected. Nothing more.

‘Are you coming?’

‘Uh, yeah!’ 

The cashier watched a k-drama as they paid for their groceries, arms brushing. He felt her gaze, but when he looked, Julie was staring at her wallet. Luke bit back a smile, allowing himself to feel giddy. Only now. 

And that giddiness instantly disintegrated when they stepped out and the car was gone. Julie dropped the bag. 

‘ _ No _ .’

Luke felt bile rise on his throat as confusion set in. He… he parked it right there, right? The car should be there. Was he that sleep-deprived and just forgot where he parked it? Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,  _ fuck _ . This could not be happening. 

‘Are you fucking kidding me?’, she whispered. ‘Did you lock it?’

‘Uh. Yeah. Yeah. I, uh, I think.’ Luke swallowed, doubting his own memory. He did park it there, right? Not somewhere else? 

‘Do you  _ think  _ or do you  _ know _ ?,’ she bit, anger simmering from her tone. 

He puffed. ‘Does it matter?’

‘Luke, it has all our stuff!’, she cried out. ‘My mom’s diary! Your guitar!’

‘What do you want me to do?! Fucking teleport?!’

‘I don’t know! Can you?!’

Luke took a deep breath, trying (and failing) to stay sane. Alright. Someone  _ somehow  _ hotwired the car in the five minutes they were out. The only thing they could do was report it to the police. The criminal couldn’t have gone far. 

‘Let’s just call the police,’ he mumbled. 

Julie moaned and dropped her head in her hands. ‘I can’t believe this is happening.’

‘You and me both, Jules.’ The irritation rose in his voice, unable to keep it down. A broken car was one thing, a  _ stolen  _ one - he couldn’t keep his cool.

‘Fuck!’, he screamed. 

They went on autopilot after that. Julie called the police and he answered the cop’s questions. What the car looked like, where they were (How the fuck should he know? It was  _ Texas _ ), the gas station, who the cashier was. They arrived ten minutes later, two cops with a cowboy hat and Luke wanted to just  _ give up _ at the sight of it. A cowboy hat?  _ Really _ ? The woman comforted the still very distressed Julie and the man asked Luke more questions. He got a little nervous. What if he let slip he wasn’t even supposed to be travelling in the first place? What if they called his parents? He was eighteen, but maybe situations like these were meant to be solved by the guardians or something. If he looked antsy, the cop said nothing about. Eventually, they drove them to the police station - something Luke was very familiar with, recalling all the times they got caught by the police for playing on the streets illegally - and let them sit in the break room. 

By then, Julie had a clear head again. ‘We should make a new plan.’

He shifted in his seat, head on his propped knee. ‘I’m listening.’

‘We can only wait for the cops to find our car, so we better just find a campsite in this town and hopefully other campers will let us sleep in their tents.’

At first he wanted to say no. They had no idea who could be on those campsites and Luke was not ready to be murdered by a stalker  _ slash  _ psychopath  _ slash  _ unhinged horse girl. But then he thought of the stoners from Arizona. Emmett working on his chi, Zoé being kind. They had also been strangers. Maybe they’d have luck again this time. 

‘We still have our phones, wallets, ID’s and the food from the store. We’ll be fine. Our breaths will smell, but…’ Julie shrugged, helpless.

‘Rolling with the punches,’ he finished.

‘Yup.’

He huffed. ‘I’m used to  _ giving  _ the punches, but-’

‘Luke.’ She placed her hand on his. ‘I know it’s your car and this sucks, but  _ please _ . We can’t be irrational right now.’ 

‘Okay,’ he sighed and slumped in the chair. They filled out final paperwork and the cops promised they’d contact them as soon as they found the car. Luke felt it was useless. The guy could be all the way in a different city, thrown it off a cliff, lit it on fire. The chances of finding it seemed slim to none. The pair trudged out of the police station, confidence at rock bottom. It weirdly reassured him. Couldn’t get any worse, right? If they were at the bottom, they could only go up from there. 

He needed to let off some steam. And the answer was right in front of him. 

‘Let’s do something fun,’ he said. 

Julie looked at him, dead behind the eyes. ‘Did you- did you not just hear me say we shouldn’t be irrational?’

‘Jules,’ he pressed his hands on her shoulders, ‘we’re fucking depressed right now. We gotta have some fun!’

‘We can have fun on the campsite.’

‘Jules.’

‘Luke.’

He leaned in, peering. ‘ _ Trust me _ .’

‘I do!’, she exclaimed, throwing the bags in the air. They must look absolutely insane to outsiders. 

‘Then come on,’ he urged. ‘I’m not doing it without you.’

Julie sighed, giving in. ‘What are you suggesting?’

He grinned, throwing his thumb over his shoulder to the sign he’d been looking at. ‘Let’s say “fuck you” to the world.’

On the side of the road was a dilapidated sign that read  _ desert hill bridge _ , presumably one that has gone out of use. Julie shot him a look but followed regardless. An idea was forming in his head, curious if they’d actually be able to pull it off. It all depended on whether they could actually stand on the bridge or not. It was a long trek, surprisingly, so long that by the time they reached the bridge the night has begun to fall. The sun was low, harsh golden light making him squint. They passed time playing “two truths and a lie”, where he found out she played soccer when she was younger, studied butterflies with her mother, and was born a week before she was intended to. She seemed less grumpy - even intrigued.

They arrived at the site. The bridge was intact. Luke let out a laugh, relieved. Even better: it overlooked a highway with cars racing down, glittering lights reflecting onto the asphalt. A chill drifted past, Julie crossing her arms and Luke cursing himself for wearing nothing but a muscle tank and joggers. Huh. Guess hypothermia was coming for his ass after all. 

‘Okay,’ she smiled warily, ‘we’re here.’

Cautiously, he placed one foot on the bridge and put some weight on it. It creaked and was moldy and graffitied, but it seemed stable enough to hold two people for five minutes. Perfect. 

‘Do you wanna know how the boys and I say “fuck you” to the world?’

She tilted her head. ‘Am I going to regret this?’

‘Nope.’ He grabbed her hands and pulled her onto the bridge. She squeaked, staring at her feet like the bridge would suddenly disappear. He led her to the middle. The wind was stronger here, her curly hair flying in all directions. It hit his cheek; it made him grin. Hands still clasped in his, she quirked a brow.

‘You look at a highway?’

‘We,’ he spread his arms and broke into a full-blow grin, ‘are gonna flash our butt.’

Julie burst out into laughter, doubling over at the mere  _ idea _ . He stared back unimpressed. She didn’t believe him? Fine. He’d show her. Luke began loosening his waistband. Catching on, she grabbed his arm to stop the motion. 

‘What are you doing?’ 

‘Did you not hear me? I’m gonna flash my ass.’ He chuckled. ‘I’m assflashing.’

‘But,’ she sputtered, ‘ _ why _ ?’

‘Cause it’s fun! Come on, Jules. We didn’t just walk an hour to then not do it.’

Julie peered at him for a moment, him maintaining the stare. He had to win. Today was fucking awful and they  _ needed  _ this. Beginning to waver, Julie’s gaze flitted from him to the highway to her jeans. 

‘Fuck it,’ she mumbled. Luke whooped, throwing his fist in the air. Victory!

‘Hell yeah!’

They took position, fingers hooked on their pants. Julie let out a nervous grin. 

‘You’re gonna feel alive, Julie,’ he promised. 

‘Just shut up,’ she quipped. ‘Three, two, one!’

And then they fucking did. They yelled and screamed and hooted as they dropped down their pants, flashing their ass to the entire Texan highway and were congratulated with honks of cars and trucks. The rush of adrenaline coursed through his veins, blood pumping to his head in a dizzying velocity that he was ready to take it further and just fucking streak down the side of the road. He took a peek at Julie ( _ just _ her face - he was a rebel  _ and  _ a gentleman) and saw how her eyes were closed with unadulterated exhilaration. A euphoric “Fuck you, you klepto!” soared from her lips and he couldn’t help but grin, fond. Seeing Julie so… free, it was - it crashed him back to earth in the most delightful way. It- 

'Freeze!'

_ Oh, fuck my life.  _

Both their hands shot up on instinct, faces still trained on the ground, ridden by fear and left-over elation. They really couldn’t catch a fucking break, could they? 

'Flashing and trespassing is forbidden, kids,' the commanding voice called out. Luke dared to take a peek and snorted out a laugh at the sight. Julie stomped on his foot.

'Luke!', she hissed.

The cop was short, pudgy, sweaty and not at all the threatening figure Luke thought he would be. He probably got hired for his deep voice. How did this five foot four dude get a bass like that? He honestly was a little jealous.

'Mocking a cop. You're doing a great job, boy.' His twang was so laughable it made him snicker. 

Julie was freaking out though, her hands trembling. He wanted to hold it. Luke heard the cop come closer.

‘Pull up your pants,’ he said and they quickly did so. 

'Don't worry, Jules. He doesn't have a gun,' Luke whispered. 'I say we make a run for it.'

Julie glanced at him like he was meant for the asylum. 'Luke,  _ no _ .'

'Julie. Think of the other option. They're gonna call our parents.' He also probably wouldn’t get his car back. She nodded. 

But then she did something neither he, the cop, or herself expected. They were about to dash out of there, when the cop got to them a second too early and roughly grabbed Julie by the shoulder. Luke was about to protest, when Julie twisted her body in one rapid motion and swung her fist. Socked the guy straight in the face, body falling smack on the ground. It cracked.

Julie gasped, staring at her fisted hand in surprise. If the situation were different, Luke would laugh his ass off, but Julie just  _ punched a cop _ so they definitely had to get out of there because  _ holy fucking shit _ . He snatched her free hand and dragged her away, running and running until he got back to that one gate and jumped over it with ease. She a second behind and just as swift. Probably because of that monster-like adrenaline or something  _ because what the actual fuck _ . They kept running. The night air was cold, cooling down his heated cheeks and erratic heart that thumped out of his chest.  
The highway and the bridge were out of view when he laughed maniacally. 

'What the fuck just happened,' he wheezed. He couldn't stop laughing, getting cramps in his abdomen. 

Julie came out of her shock and joined him, giggling with her head thrown back. 'Oh my God, I just slapped a cop!' 

He stopped and caught his breath. 'No, Julie,' he heaved. She slumped down to the gravel. 'You suckerpunched the motherfucker. You just. You just did that.'

Her giggling stopped short, realisation setting in. 'I just. I just did that.'  
Cradling her head in her hands, she stayed a quiet for a while.  _ Oh _ . Luke found she shouldn’t feel guilty - the guy was an asshole - but she did just break a major law. An existential crisis seemed fitting. 

'I was taught to never provoke a cop and I just...' She shook her head, incredulous. 

‘You saved us, Jules. Like a fucking rockstar.’ And then, because he needed to be honest with her: ‘Scared the shit out of me though.' 

'Really?’

‘Yeah.’

‘Sorry.’ Julie contracted even more, looking so small he felt bad admitting it. He dropped down next to her and pulled her into a hug. Her arms instantly wrapped around his torso. Both were shuddering with energy. It felt like he just ran a marathon. 

‘He deserved it,’ she whispered in his ear. Luke chuckled, humming in agreement. 

'You good?', he asked after a moment. 

'Yeah.’ She rubbed at a tear stain on his shoulder. ‘You?' 

Luke smiled, tucking a curl behind her ear. 'I'm good.'

'Okay.' Meeting his gaze, dazed, she said: 'Let's, uh, let’s find a campsite before he catches on to us.’

It was almost nine when they finally found one, close enough to the police station but far enough that the cop wouldn’t casually drive by and see them. Luckily, it was filled with other campers. They received curious looks. They must look insane: two, dirty teenagers with backpacks, trampled sneakers and a little, plastic bag holding funky flavoured soda. Then again, it was  _ campsite  _ \- the last place anyone was allowed to judge. 

A crowd was gathered on logs around a large bonfire. They were laughing, talking, a few holding guitars and ukelele’s. It seemed like a fun bunch, Luke allowing himself to hope they’d accept them into the group (he really just wanted a sweater and a tent - he wasn’t asking much). Julie, whose streak of recklessness hasn’t died down yet, stepped to the group first. A girl noticed them, her silhouette outlined by the warm glow of the fire. 

‘Hi!’

‘Hey, I’m Julie.’ She awkwardly waved. ‘This is Luke. Our, uh, our car was stolen today and we were wondering if any of you could help us. Uh, share a tent or… something.’

‘Oh!’ The girl’s eyes grew big with sympathy and prodding at the girl next to her. ‘Becca, they need help.’

Becca turned towards them, brows raised. ‘Oh my God, y’all look horrible.’

‘Thanks,’ Luke muttered. 

‘Sorry,’ Becca said, ‘that just… I say things without thinking sometimes. What do y’all need?’

Luke, deducing Becca was the “leader” of the group, stepped forward. ‘Some food? Maybe a hoodie and a tent? We get it if-’ 

A guy who had begun to follow along, sprung upright. ‘Hold on, I have a fleece in my backpack!’ 

‘Grab my backpack too, Josh!’, the first girl yelled. ‘I’m Kate.’

‘Thank you so much.’ Julie’s voice was filled with deep gratitude, the weight of it making Luke slump his shoulders with a sigh. He was so relieved that everyone they’ve come across - aside from the cop - have been so inviting. He was so tired and these strangers had no qualms helping them. Becca could’ve laughed in their faces and shooed them away. But she didn’t. Luke should have more trust in people. 

Josh came back with the backpacks, slinging Luke a big fleecy sweater that smelled like cigarettes but felt like an literal  _ dream _ . He could drop to the floor right now and sleep this instant. Aching muscles wore him down. Kate handed Julie a pink hoodie in a similar fabric. It swallowed her.  _ Cute _ .

Becca patted next to her. ‘Sit down. Tell us about your day. Hey, Mohammed! Pass the chicken!’

Julie recounted the day, Luke nodding along as he devoured the delicious chicken. It was his first real meal in a while. Not store-bought or from a fast food joint. He realised how much he has missed it. Even if he enjoyed the road trip and how he was carving his own path, he has craved for that little bit of normalcy. Like eating chicken. He didn’t even notice the way Julie’s cheek was smushed against his fleecy shoulder until she stole a crispy potato wedge from his plate. He glanced down, noticing how her hands were wrapped around his arm and how her shy smile was directed at Josh as he made a joke. He held back a grin; they looked like two marshmallows mushed together. But then her knee touched his and he realised that  _ oh, they were mushed together.  _

Josh lowly whistled. ‘Damn bro. How long did you even walk today?’

‘Don’t remind me,’ she said, rolling her eyes. He was still on the fact that Julie was basically sitting on his lap. Did she-? Did she realise? Not that he minded; the warmth she emitted was welcomed. Luke supposed he shouldn’t say anything. ‘I’m not walking  _ one inch _ tomorrow.’ 

‘And if they find the car?’, Luke jabbed. 

She peered at him, eyes gleaming with mirth in the fire. ‘Then you’re carrying me.’

He chuckled. ‘Sure.’

Soft music caught his attention. There, on the other side of the campfire, a guy strumming a simple melody on the guitar. Kate mumbled something about how “adorable” they were, but Luke didn’t focus on that for a second. He didn’t realise until now that for  _ hours _ , he hadn’t heard a single note of music. It was like balm to a wound. Absentmindedly, he began humming along and slowly recognised the chord patterns of the familiar song. Julie and a few other caught on too.

Josh started singing the first verse, his baritone voice melting with the strums like honey. It soothed Luke’s soul. This was exactly what he meant when he said he was all for music and nothing else. If music could bind together strangers without a single explanation -  _ any  _ form of art, for that matter - than what else did one need in life? Others joined in, Kate whispering in Julie’s ear that she sounded like a dying whale when she sang, making the girl chuckle quietly. 

Luke jumped in with the chorus, his voice instantly drawing eyes towards him. Call him arrogant, but he loved the attention. The guitarist grinned with enthusiasm and strummed louder, the sound overtaking anything that was present in the surrounding woods. It overwhelmed the senses and completely surrendered the campers to  _ feel _ . The music drummed in his bones. 

And then Julie joined, and it was like his entire world fell off its axis.

_ When the evening pulls the sun down,  
_ _ And the day is almost through,  
_ _ Oh, the whole world it is sleeping,  
_ _ But my world is you  _

Her voice was raspy and melodious - like a freaking  _ angel _ . It had rhythm and depth and he could sense that she could do so much more than this simple, acoustic song. Luke was stunned, unable to look away as she sang the verses. She flushed under his gaze and shrugged, as if to say:  _ Woops! Forgot to tell you my voice is fucking awesome!   
_ They went back into the chorus and Luke decided to just go for it and harmonise with her. Their voices matched perfectly in a way he hasn’t experienced before. She held his stare this time, singing right into his eyes and he could only hear the strums and his heartbeat and see how her eyes lit up like gold in the fire and he was utterly  _ mesmerised _ . 

Why did she not tell him? Why did she hide this gift from him? All the wasted carpool karaoke!

_ Can I be close to you? _

His lips were parted as the song drifted into its end, eyes roving across her face to remember this exact moment. This exact fucking moment that Luke realised Julie was extraordinary. 

The group clapped and yelled for an encore, bringing the two out of their reverie. The guitarist went into another, more upbeat song, leaving Luke to figure out what the hell just happened. What the hell he just  _ felt _ . It felt like the world he once thought he knew, changed. Nothing was the same now that he heard Julie sing. 

‘That was some Troy and Gabriella shit, y’all,’ Becca commented, earning a snort from Kate. 

Julie let out a nervous laugh, retracting any physical contact they previously had. The loss made him cold. . 

‘Oh, we’re  _ way  _ better than Zac and Vanessa,’ he rebutted, easing the mood. ‘That fucker didn’t even sing in the first movie.’

Songs flowed in and out for the next couple of hours, Julie and Luke sometimes joining in when they were familiar with it. Whenever she was but he wasn’t, he stared at her. He couldn’t help it. It was just so fascinating seeing her form the lyrics and listening as she gave them so much more meaning. Every syllable became important. Unprompted, ideas and melodies spun around his mind. How would she sound on unreleased Sunset Curve tracks? The ones where he knew something was missing but he never knew what? Like “Bright”? Or a proper duet, how would that sound? Did she write lyrics herself? He bet she’d be amazing in R&B. He wanted to explore it all -  _ right now _ . But with no equipment and no car, all he could do was listen. Listen and stare and smile and sink his teeth into her sweet voice. Luke was okay with that. 

It was after midnight when the fire went out, the remaining people quietly packing up and getting ready for bed. Tents zipped up, low whispers coming from the edges of the site. Becca let Julie refuge in her tent, Luke in Josh’s. It was spacious enough for two grown boys. Oddly enough, he didn’t feel that awkward sleeping next to a stranger. Josh told the funniest jokes tonight and was just as obsessed with meat as Luke. Had a full-blown conversation about beef jerky like half an hour ago.   
Jules and him lingered between the two tents, him wanting to say everything all at once but also knowing that it wasn’t the time for it. 

‘Today was… crazy,’ she whispered. ‘I’m glad you were here with me.’ 

‘Of course,’ he muttered, meeting her gaze. But when he felt  _ too much _ , he added: ‘I’m glad I’m still alive to hear that voice.’ 

Julie looked down, abashed. ‘It’s- it’s really not that big of a deal.’

It was though. And they both knew it. No one sang like that if it didn’t mean something. ‘Is that why you’re following your mom’s path? Because… music was also a part of her?’

Her smile was bittersweet. ‘Yeah.’ She patted his arm, meaning they’d talk about it tomorrow. ‘Goodnight, Luke.’

‘Night, Jules.’ He watched her go into Becca’s tent - pressed down the urge to say more, do more, want more - and turned to his own. He crawled into the tent, Josh illuminated by his phone.  It smelled like cigarettes here too, but Luke found it comforting. It reminded him of the cigs the tech crew smoked at gigs. 

‘Sorry I don’t have more,’ Josh said sincerely. There was no sleeping bag or pillow for Luke, just the tent and the thin blanket covering the ground. He dismissed it with a wave of his hand.

‘Don’t worry about it, dude.  _ Way  _ better than anything Julie and I anticipated.’ 

Josh smiled and went back to his phone. Outside, it was quiet. Not even the buzz of insects. 

‘How long have you been together?’

‘Huh?’

‘You and Julie?’

‘Oh.’ The reoccuring question began to bother him a bit. Couldn’t boys and girls be just friends? Couldn’t two strangers that weren’t strangers anymore drive together? Couldn’t two strangers harmonise so perfectly he was still reeling and leave it at that? (No. They couldn’t.) ‘We’re friends.’

Josh frowned and looked away from his phone. ‘Music partners?’

‘Uh, no.’ It even sounded ridiculous to Luke. What the hell  _ were  _ Julie and him? (Semantics, semantics, semantics, ...) ‘Legit met her less than a week ago.’

Josh blinked. ‘That’s… surprising.’

‘We’re trying to not question it.’

‘Cool.’

‘Yeah.’

He eyed him. ‘Are you gonna tell her you like her or is that also not being questioned?’

Luke grimaced. ‘You’re pretty invested in my non-existent crush on her.’

‘You think I didn’t see that thing at the campfire? Oozing chemistry like that?’

Luke couldn’t argue. Calling it “chemistry” seemed like a stretch, but they had a moment. Bleh. He couldn’t believe he called it “a moment”. They were singing! Big deal! Flashing their ass to the Texan highway was fun too! 

‘We didn’t- - - dude, I’m just driving her to Maine.’

Josh’s pragmatic expression didn’t waver. ‘Okay? And after?’

He froze. ‘What do you mean?’

‘What happens after Maine?’

Oh. Right.  _ After _ . He wasn’t sure where Julie stood, but he didn’t want to lose contact - especially now that he heard her sing. But if she insisted for him to forget it…   
Luke didn’t know how he’d react to that. Upset, at a minimum. He was too tired to mull over it right now.

After Josh bid him goodnight and turned on his side, Luke stared at the ceiling, body exhausted yet mind racing. He didn’t know when (or if) he fell asleep, but one thing he knew for sure. One thing that kept repeating. Julie was the sun. And he had to remind her she was. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Bloom" by The Paper Kites featured at the bonfire


	5. heard your voice leading me through the darkness to the dawn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title: nobody knows // the lumineers

**AWAY FROM THE COWBOYS, BUT STILL IN TEXAS**

‘Yes, this is Julie,’ Julie said as her phone rang during breakfast. The entire gang sat out around the firepit again, the bleary sun shining through in the early morning. It was brisk today. A much needed break from the incessant heat. Luke was munching on soggy cornflakes, watching her. 

‘You found the car?’ Julie caught his stare with joyous disbelief, him dancing in his seat. Hell yeah! Karma’s a bitch you fucking criminal! The car better be in good shape! 

‘Absolutely! We can pick it up by ten!’ She paused, expression freezing up. ‘Nope. We did not see two teenagers running around at night, sorry.’

Luke chuckled. Safe to say he was not visiting Texas anymore. There was probably some wanted poster hanging around somewhere. 

‘Thank you. Yes. I’ll see you then. Bye!’ Julie threw her phone in her pocket and flung herself in his arms. ‘We got the car back, baby!’, she cheered, earning hoots and whistles from the group. Luke laughed and hugged her back, chest growing warm. She was still wearing that pink hoodie and he couldn’t deny she looked pretty. Josh's words rang in his head, decidedly ignoring it. No point in entertaining that dumb idea. 

‘Apparently everything is still there except for some snacks and drinks. So unless we forgot to write something down, it’s all there,’ she said. Both let out a breath in relief. Luke admittedly didn’t have faith in some local cops, but they did it. Thank the fucking music gods. He was worried there were some damages though… those were worries for later. For now, he’d celebrate. 

Becca, Kate and Josh hugged them goodbye, the first pushing money in Julie’s hands even when she protested. 

‘You said y’all were low on money. I have plenty.’

‘You don’t even know us,’ Julie reasoned.

Becca grinned. ‘Just thank us when you win a Grammy.’ 

Half an hour later, they arrived at the station with his car awaiting them. It had a few new scratches and the driver’s door was bruised, but Luke didn’t care. His car was intact. The cops were outside, waving at them. 

‘After further inspection we did note a few CD’s were missing,’ the woman from the night before told apologetically, ‘but that’s really all.’

Luke’s eyes widened. ‘Which ones?’

The woman grimaced. ‘The Elvis Presley CD-’

‘Fucking hell.’

‘The Kooks-’

‘Are you fucking-’

‘and The Beatles.’

‘Oh for fucks sake. The Beatles? Really? He can just spit on me while he’s at it.’ 

Julie placed a hand on his arm. ‘We’ll replace them when where in Dallas.’

The woman nodded supportively. ‘There are many second-hand record stores in Dallas!’

‘Fucking sacrilege,’ he muttered. 

Julie rolled her eyes. ‘Calm down. You’re not even religious.’

The radio was blaring as they drove away. Luke kept seething. Sure, he was happy the guy stayed away from his guitar and other belongings, but his CD’s? The carefully curated library he was so proud of? Asshole. Julie was unimpressed and mumbled he should take a chill pill.

Luke harrumphed. ‘They were my _babies_ , Jules.’ 

She stayed silent for a second, and then, with a tentative smile: ‘Let me try that salty pineapple soda.’

And just like that, Julie diffused his anger. He mustered a smile of his own and handed her the drink from his door sleeve. Eyeing her as she took a sip, he saw as her nose scrunched up and lips wrinkled like a lime. Luke laughed, Julie screwing the lid back on.

‘That was disgusting.’

‘You know what’s not disgusting?’ The lilt in his voice made her look at him. ‘Your voice.’

Julie snickered. ‘Really? You’re doing it like this?’

Luke did not stay awake the entire night and then crawl behind the wheel for them to not talk about it. No fucking way. ‘Jules. _Your_ . _Voice_.’ 

‘It exists,’ she said matter-of-fact. But the blush on her cheeks told otherwise. 

He threw his hands in the air. ‘You have a _gift_ , Julie! Why’d you hide it?’

She shrugged and Luke felt even more confused. If he had a voice like that, if he could sing _like that_ , he’d never stop. He prided himself on his singing abilities, but Julie was on a whole other level. She could start a solo career right now and skyrocket into stardom in seconds. Or maybe she already had a career and he just didn’t know because she focused on a different genre. The LA music scene was pretty huge. Luke was grasping for logic. Julie’s expression twisted into a scowl ridden with guilt and suddenly, he _understood_ . The more Luke began to know Julie, the more he realised how intertwined she was with her mom. How everything leading up to now was all because of her mother’s presence continuously orbiting around her. He hasn’t _just_ been talking to Julie. All the decisions she’s made this far were all influenced by her mother. 

(Except when her head was on his shoulder, he backtracked. That would be weird if her mom’s soul did that or something. Gross. Delete thought.) 

‘Because I haven’t… I haven’t sung since my mom died. I thought it was irrelevant.’ Julie plucked at the hoodie Kate allowed her to keep. ‘I didn’t think I’d still be driving with you.’ 

He supressed the need to hold her hand or just fucking stop the car so he could hug her. Getting kicked out by his parents was one thing - he didn’t give up music because if it, but Julie? She _did_ . She hasn’t properly sung in four years? To him, that was worse than death. She must’ve _felt_ dead. He saw her last night. The way her face lit up… it was like standing in an open field in the middle of the night and looking up and seeing the brightest constellations and being completely in awe. Julie became so overwhelmingly _everything_.

‘What made you change your mind?’

‘The people,’ she smiled. ‘The song. It was one of our favourites to sing together. She was… she was there last night.’ Julie caught his gaze and it felt like he was looking at the sun again. ‘I don’t think you realise how happy I was.’

He puffed, bemused, as he turned into a different lane. ‘I did.’

‘Oh.’

‘You, uh,’ he tugged at his hair, ‘you were amazing.’

‘So were you.’

‘But… but you _knew_ I could sing, Jules. Let’s see what you can do! Aren’t you curious how your voice has evolved since you were fourteen? That’s four years!’

‘Haven’t played piano either,’ she chuckled. 

He almost slammed on the brakes. ‘You play too?! I fucking knew it! Don’t think I don’t see you playing on the dashboard!’

Julie laughed at his antics, and as he kept prodding her for minutes on end to _just please sing please please let’s just sing let’s see lets just please fucking sing something_ , she surrendered and grabbed her phone. 

‘Do you know Corinne Bailey Rae?’

He quirked a brow and briefly looked down at his Red Hot Chili Peppers shirt. ‘What do you think?’

‘Well, she’s also a legend, so…’ Julie took a deep breath, fixed a pressed smile on her face and loosened her shoulders. Watching the road, he wrapped his hand around her arm, thumb caressing the smoothness of the sweater. She was always so warm. Meanwhile the boys used him as a cooler during the summer, pressing his hands against their foreheads and cheeks to fight the heat. 

To his surprise, she kept hold of his hand. 

A shaky laugh blurted from her lips. ‘I need-’ she puffed, trying to catch her breath. ‘Sorry. I just need… I need something to ground me.’

Luke gulped and without a second thought, tightened his hold. Her hand was soft and small and trembling. If this would make her sing again, he’d happily hold it for eternity. 

She went to one of her Spotify playlists and tapped on a song. The picture enlargened, but he was none the wiser. He had no idea who this was. She kept the volume high enough for the guitar strums to be audible, but low enough her voice would take charge. 

_Maybe sometimes we got it wrong, but it's all right  
_ _The more things seems to change, the more they stay the same  
_ _Oh, don't you hesitate_

Her voice was just as raw and melodious as last night, yet more clear because of the car acoustics. It was catchy song, his free hand tapping along to the beat on the steering wheel. Julie kept her eyes closed, a gentle smile as she sang. 

And then she went to her head voice and his universe once again… stopped. 

_Girl, put your records on, tell me your favorite song_ _  
_ _You go ahead, let your hair down_ _  
_ _Sapphire and faded jeans_ _  
_ _I hope you get your dreams_ _  
_ _Just go ahead, let your hair down_ _  
_ _You're gonna find yourself somewhere, somehow_

Their joined hand was flinging up and down as she got into the groove of the music, her smile morphing into a full beam, teeth on display. She began to belt the lyrics and he felt like he could see her heart lurching out of her chest because it was _so much_ and _so good_ and it was like he was witnessing a fucking miracle. Move aside Moses, Julie could part the sea with her fucking _voice_. 

Her soulful sound brought chills down his back. He almost went back to his earlier thought of just stopping on the side of the road and fully immerse himself. And he did. He stopped at the shoulder and she didn’t even notice as the notes rolled from her lips with ease. Like she never even stopped. She went to a higher pitch in the bridge, her runs so smooth with that lilt in her voice she always had and it felt like _honey_.

Luke was obsessed. 

The song faded out. Julie opened her eyes, looking from their clamped hands to his incredulous expression to then realising they weren’t moving. Cars rushed by. Luke shook his head. 

‘You better never stop again.’

And she didn’t. She laughed and let go of his hand and told him to _just drive_ and then she kept singing Corinne Bailey Rae songs and it was the most beautiful thing he has ever heard. For a moment, he thought of throwing away punk and rock and metal and just become the King Of Acoustic. That that would be his way of starting over. But then he remembered how heartbroken he was over the criminal’s sacrilegious deed of stealing his fucking Beatles CD and figured it’d be best if he remained in his lane. 

The songs flowed from Corinne to others he knew as well. He joined in, blending his voice with hers like last night but now, it was better. Like a ball of energy that grew and bounced off the walls and threatening to explode the car if they let air touch it. Luke wondered what would happen if they nurtured it. 

Since the night of her nightmare and he told her everything, seeds of a song had been blooming in his head. It was a ballad with simple chord progressions, that was all he knew. He was stuck on the lyrics though, and with everything going on, he hasn’t had the time to work on it. Didn’t really feel like getting emotional during lunch. The revelation that Julie sang changed the game. After what they’ve gone through, he knew she wouldn’t judge - maybe even wanted to help. 

‘Hey,’ he said. 

She kept singing, raising a brow.

‘I, uh, I was thinking about this and I was wondering if you also wrote lyrics?’

Julie stumped short and lowered the volume. ‘Oh. Yeah. I used to with my mom. I mean, I still write poems so I guess those are kind of like songs.’ 

‘They are!’, he encouraged. ‘What did you write about?’

‘With my mom - you know, I was a child - it was about self-love and being confident. I think she used it to teach my life lessons,’ Julie chuckled. ‘I began writing poems every time something good happened. To, like, cope with the grief. I’ve written like a dozen poems about Flynn and my dad and my brother.’

‘Julie?’

‘Yeah?’

‘Would you like to help me with a song?’

It could’ve been the way he said it or his tone or the underlying message that was so clear to her, that made her expression soften to sympathy. But he didn’t mind. Because he knew she _understood_ . Truly understood. The way she talked about her mom, how she seemed alive even though she wasn’t, was the exact opposite of how he felt about his mom. He was dead to her and she was dead to him but it _hurt_. They didn’t mean to think of each other that way. How he left things off… there was so much unsaid. Julie would be able to help tilt things back. 

(He hoped. Oh God, he hoped.)

‘Of course.’

Lunchtime came around and Luke was pleased to see the landscape had changed entirely, no trace of the previous city that now forever tainted in his memory. Less desert and more trees. He parked the car at the door of the gas station - no way in hell he’d let the car get out of his sight again. He’d handcuff himself to the fucking door if he had to. 

‘I’m picking flavours now,’ Julie said. ‘I still taste spicy pineapple.’

He grinned. ‘Sure. I think I’m picking other sandwiches today.’

‘No bacon?’

‘I’m still thinking about that chicken from last night.’

‘ _Ooh_. Valid.’ She grabbed nondescript waters and lemonades and stood next to him. ‘I think I want something with more vegetables.’

‘The only veggies I eat is ketchup on my hotdogs.’

‘Gross. Hm, a mozzarella panini.’ She grabbed it from the cooler. ‘That chicken hummus one looks good.’

‘What’s hummus?’

‘You don’t know hummus? It’s a chickpea paste. You should try my tía’s, it’s so good.’ 

He looked up in surprise. It was a casual comment, but did Julie mean it? Was he invited? Josh’s words had been recurring in his mind. What came after all of this? 

Wordlessly grabbing the chicken hummus sandwich, as well as a family-sized pasta for tonight and some random snacks at the register, they paid and were off again. This time, the car was present. Julie shot him a teasing look and he rolled his eyes. 

‘We’re not gonna show our asses today?’

He smirked. ‘You can if you want to.’ 

‘That’s the biggest fuckboy move I’ve ever seen.’

‘You should see Reggie then.’

‘Your friends sound _so_ weird.’

They ate the food at a nearby park. Julie took the time to check where they actually were. Telling him they were in Abilene and that they just had to follow the I-20 to get to Dallas and that the fastest way to Maine was through Mississippi. All the while he was trying to figure why chickpea paste tasted so good. _Chickpea_ \- what the hell even was that?!

Julie was the one behind the wheel now, laughing at his jokes as music was blasting and he was braiding little plaits between her curls. It almost made him forget of their conversation this morning - if not for the ugly thought at the back of his mind that told him to _stop! Go back! Don’t open that can of worms!_ But then she laughed again at his dramatised singing of Franz Ferdinand and the thought vanished.

They ate the pasta after arriving on the campsite. This one was empty, much to Luke’s disappointment. He really enjoyed talking with Becca, Kate and Josh. Julie was obviously good company, but even they rolled their eyes or had prolonged silences sometimes. In those moments, he’d amp up the volume or open the windows and let the frustration wash away. It worked. 

Julie looked at him every few seconds, gaze guarded and awaiting. He tried to ignore it, but he knew what she was thinking. They’ve gone through so much in such little time that she knew him all too well. 

Luke cut through the tension at sundown. He just had rip the band-aid off. _Three, two, one: rip._ ‘I wanna start working on the song.’

Julie looked up. ‘Okay…’, she trailed, but her face and tone said otherwise. 

‘Come on,’ he urged, ‘I can’t do this without you.’

‘Are you sure? It’s-’

Luke took a step forward, so close she had to look up. ‘Julie… _please_. I need to talk about this.’

Julie sighed, the edge of her lip tilting. ‘Okay.’

They say down on the grass, leaning against the side of the car. He looked at the fading sky, trying to make an adequate sentence and then thinking “fuck it” because he just needed to fucking _speak_. 

'I've just... I've felt this overwhelming... grief? I don't know it's not the right word it but it's like I'm on the edge of greatness and then suddenly the ground fucking disappears and that's... that's how I feel. It's like I died before I actually dead. To my parents, at least.'

Julie said nothing. He panicked, instantly feeling like an asshole for even thinking of comparing getting cut off to dying when her mom was, you know, ash. 'I know it's not the same, but-'

'Luke. I get it.' He wasn't sure if she actually did, but he took it as a sign to continue. 

'You do?! Thats-!' He tempered his eagerness. Even now, his energy got the upperhand. 'That's... thanks.'

'Where can I help?'

He carefully opened the dog-eared page, to reveal scribbles and scratches of words and throwaway sentences with no clear direction. He knew how it should go, but he didn't exactly know how to write it. He was scared that, if he found the words - the words that he didn't say, that he should've said - he'd just... crumble. That his own pride would swallow him whole and nothing would be left.

'I like that,' she mumbled, pointing at a series of words that didn't make much sense to him.

'Yeah?'

'Yes, what if you- is it okay if I make a note?'

A week ago, he scolded Reggie for even _daring_ to touch his book. It felt unorthodox letting her makes annotations, but he asked for her help. He had to compromise. 'Yeah, sure.'

In her neat handwriting, Julie wrote one full lyric with the corresponding notes he had already figured out. He let out an amused huff. It was like she dove in his head and plucked the right idea from a storm of thoughts. Julie was right: she got it. 

'I like that,' he whispered. Luke bend over and wrote another lyric underneath, and one thing led to another and they were brainstorming about the moment that led to end of the life that he knew and were searching for the exact words and hummed lyrics and scratched others and she squeezed his hand when he came up with unsaid and Luke wondered if this was what rock legends felt like when they found the meaning of the universe (or the lack of). Luke felt like he was creating a new universe, one that came _after_ . He told her just that, and Julie told him that some philosophers weren't even sure time existed. That _stop_ and _repeat_ and _go_ and _continue_ were arbitrary. Luke liked that. It fit in with everything he believed in.   
And then they put it into the song as well and it was unlike anything Luke had ever written. Julie helped, but it was more of a gentle nudge in right direction - plus, she had a freaking Thesaurus in her brain. 

Julie and him were no longer on two sides. The little differences they had, dissipated as the night went on. By dusk, it felt like he was looking at a reflection of himself (just with prettier eyes and long curls and a smile that made his stomach coil). She was him and he was her and it felt like this otherworldly fucking ordeal but it kind of was. It was more than just a song. 

Her eyes were closed as she leaned her head on his shoulder, listening to how he sang the lyrics under his breath. Almost a prayer. Too loud and everything would shatter. 

'It's perfect, Luke,' she whispered. 

He swallowed back a very dumb and very not cool thought and said instead: 'Alex on the drums, Reggie on the bass, them echoing on the interlude before the bridge.' He went across his mental checklist. 'You duetting?' 

Julie smiled. 'This is your song.' Her tone was blunt and he didn't push her. She was right (she always seemed to be). It was his song. He should protect it. 

'Do you think you'll ever show it to your mom?' 

'I don't know,' he said truthfully. 'If they allow me back in, then maybe. I'm just... this is what I had to do and I feel good now.' He did. A pressure on his shoulders has been lifted. It didn't fester anymore. Or nag at night, causing him to lose sleep. Not that he slept a lot in general, but still. The cramped space wasn't going to ruin his mood tonight. 

'What's next on Luke's list of ultimate catharsis?', she joked. He snorted. 

'I'm good, thanks.' 

'No yoga? Meditation? We're not going to drink a special tea to get you to another spiritual plane?' 

He peered at her, faux-offended. 'Are you trying to convert me?' 

Julie bursted into laughter. Luke joined her, grinning. It was far too late for them to be hanging out in the dark. Somehow, Texan nights in May were cold. 

'I don't think the church wants you,' she snickered. 

'Rude!' 

They chatted more, Julie's quip swiftly diverting them from death and trauma all the shit that has fucked them over, and came back to what the best snacks were, overrated movies, and what the best Just Dance routine was. (Surprisingly, they both believed "Rasputin" was the best. A One Direction dance was a close second for Julie, though.)

They continued talking in the car, lights on.

In the yellowly glow that made her seem orange, she said: 'I don't remember the last time I felt this happy.'

'I mean,' he smirked, 'I get it.'

'Shut up! I mean it! It's like I was always "performing" or something. I always felt like I was being watched and controlled from a distance. Like one misstep, one wrong thing that would maybe give away I was still sad about my mom - because why wouldn't I be? - they'd start coddling me again.' She flung her hands in the air. 'Like, wow! I'm finally free! No one knows me or cares and it's such a relief. Like Becca? And Kate? They don't know I have a dead mom. And they liked me. They didn’t pity me or had something to gain.’

Her brilliant smile was warmer than the lights. Luke was not a lover or a fighter or a poet or a contrarian - he was just an eighteen year old boy. But there was the incessant thought that Julie was the sun and so bright that he felt like she could burn him. 

‘I'm free.'

The next morning, Luke awoke at the sound of a train passing by, its thunderous sound lurching him from the backseat onto the floor. The thud didn’t disturb Julie though. Her soft breathing was rhythmic, continuous. If Luke were prone to sleep, he’d be lulled back by the sound, but alas - once he was awake, there was no going back. Another train passed. Alright. Time to get moving. Cracking all the joints in his body, he sat down on the hood of his car. For the few minutes he’d have for himself, he decided to take a risk and look at his phone.

**_mom: 50 messages and 3 missed calls  
_ ** **_dad: 46 messages and 7 missed calls  
_ ** **_reggie: 112 messages and 40 missed calls  
_ ** **_alex: 93 messages and 61 missed calls_ **

Oh. Fuck. Big fucking fuck. He skipped his parents and went straight to Alex and Reggie’s texts. Listening to hours of voicemails seemed useless. Threads upon threads of worried texts, Alex going from confused to angry to uber-concerned. Reggie was simply wondering how he has gone MIA for so long, seeing as Luke was… well, attention-seeking. (Fine. He could admit it.) 

He went to the group chat and sent a quick, reassuring message. 

**im doing good boys! im in texas rn and gettin time to breath. back soon!!!** **  
****keep shredding that banjo reg!**

He hasn’t had the guts yet to tell them he wasn’t sure about Sunset Curve’s future. Those were NYC-Luke’s problems. 

A bush of curls popped next to him, more hair than face as she laid down in the grass. She stayed quiet. He put his phone away. Wordlessly, he laid next to her and watched as the sky coloured from a hazy orange to blue. Another morning, another day. 

‘I need coffee,’ she muttered. 

‘You look like shit.’

She shrugged. ‘I think my body is starting to reject the trunk.’

He turned the radio on and fished their bags from the backseat. There was a shallow strip of river next to the campsite, perfect for them to clean off the grime from the past nights. Walking in sand and dirt and between the dewy grass made them look like straight up hobo's. A cold stream wasn't ideal, but he was tired of the dirty bathrooms at gas stations anyway (the janky mirrors did nothing for his confidence). As they changed into swimwear, the radio host announced they were gonna play the newcomers in the music scene.

'Is gonna be you someday, Jules!'

'Very funny.' She grabbed the tube of shampoo and lathered her hair with it, dropping her head in the water. He splashed at her. 

_'Weather will be sunny, about 85°F, and the morning commute on the I-20 is going smoothly. Grab your coffee and put on a smile, people! Let’s kick off with “All Eyes On Me” by Dirty Candy!'_

'Trust me on this: we're gonna get you on a stage.' He cannonballed, cringed at how his butt hit the bottom, and scrubbed soap on his chest. 

She wrung her hair out. 'With the money you definitely have.'

'Duh.'

_'That was Portland with their single "Pouring Rain". Did you know that the band members found each other when they were looking for roommates on Craigslist? Next up: Claire Rosinkranz!'_

They dried off and kept on their swimwear, both low on clean clothes. Once they were in Dallas, they’d have to go to a laundromat, maybe find a proper shower; Luke was desperate for a hot shower. He put on his cheesy Hawaiian shirt, which made her giggle, and she a pair of black dungarees. Her hair was a mess of frizzy curls and he had a scruff that was beginning to show. They looked like nomadic surfers or something. He also _felt_ different. Like he wasn’t the same person that started the trip a week ago. It made him think of Julie and her spiel about philosophers, how meaningless time perhaps was. How their was nos tart to his journey and no end to it either, and that there was just _now_ and nothing else. No backwards or forwards. It was weirdly comforting. 

_‘We’re gonna add some funk to your day with binki, a North Carolina superstar in the making! After, it’s game time!’_

‘I have some songs that I think you would slay,’ he said, remembering the songs he annotated as “missing something” and left alone for a couple of months. He knew she was it. 

Julie looked up from tying her shoes. ‘Oh? You were serious?’

‘Yeah, I have this song “Bright” that the boys and I never got to perform because we all felt it wasn’t entirely right. And I think we were missing _you_.’

She quirked a brow and deadpanned: ‘You were just missing a female voice.’ 

‘Okay, maybe,’ he conceded. ‘But c’mon on! Give it a shot!’ He put on big eyes and a pouty lip and clasped his hands. Julie rolled her eyes, biting back a smile. He creeped closer and kneeled in front of her, putting on a show by whimpering like a dog. This is what he liked to call: ambush mode. 

Julie blurted out a laugh and shook her head. ‘Oh my God, fine! But no promises!’

‘Awesome!’ Ha, he still had it! 

They collected their stuff and dropped it in the car, Luke behind the wheel and Julie next to him. As per usual, she sat cross-legged and pulled the chair close to the window. He wondered if the seat formed itself to her body. Was there a perpetual indent? Would he look at the passenger seat in a few weeks and notice the crinkles and pulls she made? 

_‘And that was “Heybb!” by binki! This is the coolkid radio station where we celebrate new talent. Next up: game time!_ _Are you an upcoming an upcoming artist and wanna show the world watcha got? Call coolkid FM at 3PM today and maybe you’ll get featured on the show! Do you have what it takes?’_

Their eyes met at the exact same time, heads whipped around as Luke was grinning and Julie looking incredulous. This was fucking fate and he was _living_ for it. The Texan population redeemed themselves with just this radio station. 

‘How?!’, she yelled.

‘Hell yeah!’, he screamed. 

Her disbelief morphed into a grin. ‘Let’s do it!’

‘Yeah?!’ He didn’t even have to push her? Rad!

‘We’re gonna rock their faces off!’

They high-fived and with a surge of energy, sped off the campsite. Julie blew up the volume of the radio, both of them whooping and singing along to the song. It was like a switch has been flipped for Julie; could be because of his incessant pleading to do stupid shit, but regardless, it was working. She seemed to genuinely enjoy it too.

‘Okay, what are we doing?’ Julie instantly went down to business. Right. They had a few hours to plan and rehearse for a song when they were, well, not a band. 

‘I mean, I was talking about “Bright”, but that can wait. We need like, electric guitar and drums for that. Maybe…’ He thought of something, but the idea died in his throat. He wasn’t sure if he was ready to expose himself like that. Daunting as hell. 

But then Julie plucked the idea from his thought bubble and he wanted to be upset about it but fuck - _how did she do that?_ ‘What if we do “Unsaid Emily”?’ 

He gulped. ‘I thought you said you didn’t want to duet it?’

‘I don’t. But we both know it perfectly and it’s just your guitar.’ She bit her lip. ‘I get it if you don’t want to, it’s personal…’

Didn’t Luke wanna make music to make people feel? Wasn’t that the whole point? He felt conflicted. He realised that all the Sunset Curve songs were, while personal, never just about him. It was about Reggie and Alex too. It was about their hustle to make it to the top, it was about the sacrifices they’ve made, the sweat and tears and blood they’ve shed. It was never about Luke and his feelings. Instinctively he felt that it was nobodies fucking business. Then again, he was able to trust Julie. She helped him with the song. She shared his pain. She understood. And if she understood, maybe others would too. _And wasn’t that the whole fucking point?_

Plus, she was offering to duet and he was dying to hear her sing again. This mas maybe one of the last times he sang with her. The offer was too tempting to give up. 

Fuck it. 

‘No, let’s do it.’ His voice was resolute, surprising her.

Julie frowned. ‘Are you sure?’

‘Yeah. Let’s… let’s blow their minds.’ 

Between nine and two-thirty, they rehearsed as they drove. Luke tapped the cadence on the wheel as Julie held his songbook and worked on harmonising with him, adapting the song from a solo to a proper duet. Notes on where she echoed, was a second voice, took over, made adlibs - Luke was excited. He never produced a song in a car before! If they wanted to, they could record themselves right now with his phone and put it on Youtube or something. During lunch, he practised the guitar on his own. Julie somehow made friends with the girl behind the register and watched a telenovela on the dingy tv-screen. She kept surprising him. 

They were halfway to Dallas when three o’clock arrived. Stopping on the side of the road, surrounded by cars rushing by on their left and a grand field of corn on their right, they kept the passenger door open and propped Luke’s phone on the seat. When the radio host announced the game was starting, Luke lightning-fast called him. 

It rang, them waiting with bated breath.

It clicked. 

_‘Hello, you’re on coolkid FM!’_

Luke and Julie whooped victoriously, her snatching the phone. ‘Hi! We’re Julie and Luke!’

_‘Hi, Julie and Luke! Tell us about your band!’_

‘Uh,’ she chuckled, ‘we’re not a band. We met on the road like a week ago and we both have a passion for music. We made a song and…’ She looked at him with a hint of a smile and his heart stopped short. ‘Here we are.’

_‘That’s hella seventies, girl! I love it! What will you be performing?’_

She handed the phone to him. ‘We’ll be playing “Unsaid Emily”. It’s uh… it’s a pretty personal song but we think it’ll really resonate with people. That’s, like, the only thing we wanna do: make people _feel_ our music.’

_‘I’m excited! You heard it folks: this is Julie and Luke with their song: “Unsaid Emily”. Take it away, guys!’_

Julie gave him a firm nod and mouthed _ready?_ He smiled reassuringly. He was. And if he wasn’t, it was too late for that now.

Luke cracked his neck, placed his guitar pick on the strings, and began. The audio was probably crappy with the wind and the cars, but it felt intimate anyway. Here he as in the middle of nowhere pouring his heart out to a radio station with this girl by his side he didn’t know the last name of. And he loved every second of it. He loved how she softly joined in on the second verse and blended with him so effortlessly, how their registers gave the song an edge it wouldn’t have otherwise. He loved the fucking catharsis he felt while singing it. The song was now out there in the universe; people heard him, knew of him, passed on a song that maybe meant something to someone else and _maybe_ \- - - his mom was listening too. It was all Luke ever wished for. 

The final chorus came in: the apotheosis of their voices reaching the sky with grief and anger, yelling at the gods that they were here and this is what they had to say. 

Tears leaked from his eyes as the final strums rang through the air, unaware that Julie has reached for his hand and was mumbled words of comfort in his shirt. But his mind was reeling. He looked down at his free hand and swore he saw his pores, the atoms, shaking with aliveness. Luke was so fucking alive and no venue or weed could ever compete with that. 

_‘Wow… that was… that was unbelievable,’_ the radio host said. _‘What an amazing way to kick off the afternoon. Thank you so much Julie and Luke. Anything you wanna say?’_

Julie, knowing he wasn’t ready to speak, took word. ‘Not really. We just wanted to show people this song and… I don’t know, maybe there is more coming in the future.’

‘If you haven’t told someone you love them and think you have enough time, think again. Call them right now and fucking tell them,’ spit Luke. He had to, he couldn’t end this without saving people from the same mistake.

_‘Imma call my girlfriend after my shift,’_ the host joked. _‘Thanks again, guys. Hopefully we’ll hear more of you!’_

‘Bye!’, they said. 

And then the host ended the call and Luke and Julie could only stare at one another. Without a word, she slipped her arms around his waist and pressed her cheek against his shirt. He held onto her tight, head on her shoulder as he tried to regain his focus. Everything seemed to be happening at once. He shuddered out a breath.

‘It was perfect,’ he whispered. 

‘It was, huh?’

‘Thank you.’

‘It was nothing.’

‘That’s where you’re wrong, Jules.’ He met her gaze. ‘It was everything.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Girl Put Your Records On" by Corinne Bailey Rae feautured in the car. Inspired by this cover of the song though: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kX4hOPzAUkE&ab_channel=AllySalort


	6. johnny cash and backseat laughing (always ends too soon)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title: dna // lia marie johnson

**DALLAS... JUST DALLAS**

‘ _ Ooh _ , look!’ Julie held up a Hawaiian shirt just as tacky as his. ‘We can match!’

After arriving in Dallas late last night, they parked in a Walmart parking lot and slept there until an employee knocked on the window and told them to scram. They parked elsewhere and wandered the streets since. Downtown was pretty gnarly: lots of street art, indie stores and cafes. For some reason he thought they’d all be walking around with cowboy boots and have a strong accent, but the city people were chill.

They’ve gone to the laundromat, tried and failed to get into a museum and got smoothies at a hipster joint. A good morning so far, Luke found. 

They were at a thrift store when Julie presented the bright purple and yellow Hawaiian shirt. 

‘I fucking hate that.’

‘The shirt or us matching?’

‘The shirt.’

Julie smiled. ‘I’m getting it.’

He was mulling around the store when something outside caught his eye. If Julie really wanted to tick everything off “Luke's list of ultimate catharsis”, then she’d go along, right? 

‘Hey, Jules?’

‘Hm?’ She put her paid shirt in her backpack and joined him. 

‘Look.’ He pointed out the window. 

She blinked. ‘The street.’

He rolled his eyes. ‘The store, you dork.’

Realisation dawned upon her and her weary sigh that followed made him laugh. She didn’t even  _ try  _ to hold him back anymore. 

‘A tattoo? Seriously?’

‘I’ve always wanted one and I’m eighteen!’ He truly did. Ever since they moved to Orange County and essentially lived on the beach, he’d been so impressed by the tattooed surfers. Their chests and arms inked with symbols and stories and when Luke started playing music, he wanted to be the same. His parents had been against this though.  _ Think of your future!  _ they said. _ No boss will want to employ you!  _ As if Luke would ever want to work for someone. This was his chance. Hopefully the shop had a spot free. 

‘It’s, like, a lot to take care of.’

He frowned. ‘How’d you know that?’

‘Flynn has a tattoo.’

‘Look, whatever. I’m getting one.’

A smile crawled on her lips. ‘Okay… then I guess it’s time for me to check it off my bucket list as well.’

‘ _ What _ ?’ He beamed. This has gone  _ way  _ better than he expected! 

Amusement gleamed in her eyes. ‘You didn’t think you were the only one contemplating getting a tattoo?’

He jumped up and pushed her out of the store, throwing a “bye” over his shoulder at the employee, grinning like a fool. ‘This is perfect! What do you wanna get tattooed?’

She pursed her lips. ‘I’m debating between two. You?’

Luke put his arm out. ‘“Now or Never” on my wrist. It’s the single that got us on a stage.’ He pulled his songbook out of his bag. ‘In my own handwriting.’ 

Julie nodded appreciatively. ‘I like that. Okay. Yeah. Let’s do it. I think we have crossed all the lines there are.’ 

‘Nice.’

The tattoo shop was typical. Dark red and blue walls littered with pictures of tattoos and the occasional famous person that came by. Black leather couches, dimmed lighting, a sad-looking water dispenser, insignia scratched into the wooden coffee table, a girl with yellow hair and tatted from head to toe behind the counter. A charming smile slipped on his face as he approached her.

‘Hi, we were wondering if anyone was able to tattoo us today.’

‘Sure.’ The girl popped her gum. ‘As long as it’s small.’

He glanced at Julie and she nodded. ‘Yeah. I want one on my wrist and-’

‘On my ribcage,’ Julie quipped. He raised a brow.  _ Well then.  _

The girl - Gemma, he read on her nametag - typed something on the computer and got from behind the counter. ‘Sit down, please. Explain to me what you want and I’ll relay it to the artists.’

Julie nudged him to go first as they sat down in the cracked chairs. He scrambled to open his songbook. ‘Uh, I want “Now or Never” on my wrist like this. Like not even four inches.’ 

‘In your handwriting?’

‘Yeah.’

‘Cool.’ Gemma took a picture of the writing on her iPad. ‘What about you?’

Julie clasped her hands. ‘I want two, small butterflies on my ribcage on the left. Just black and white, very simple.’

‘What kind of butterflies? Do you want to look in the binders?’ 

‘Monarch butterflies,’ she said, resolute. Luke was baffled. Butterflies? He had no clue if it was for the aesthetic or if it had meaning - knowing Julie, probably the latter. He didn’t know how to ask her. Seeing Gemma smile sympathetically only proved his theory further.

‘That’s nice,’ Gemma said. ‘I’ll forward it to Dash and Kriss and have them sketch something for you. Takes about thirty minutes.’

When she went back to her spot and left the two alone, Luke turned in his chair to Julie. She seemed to be expecting his inquisitive stare, meeting his gaze with equal force. 

‘It’s eating you alive, huh?’

‘I’m fucking dying, Jules.’

Julie rolled her lips and took a moment to collect her thoughts. Luke wanted to hold her hand, her expression so similar to when she first sang in the car that he wanted to be that tether again. But he treaded lightly around her. There was still a lot that was kept in the dark and he didn’t want to overstep. 

‘My mom… she used to call me “mariposa”. That’s “butterfly” in Spanish.’ Her melancholic smile made him grab her hand anyway. Her eyes glossed over. ‘It was my favourite thing ever. It felt like being hugged, you know? And when she died, no one called me that anymore. It felt I died with her. In Mexico, where my mom’s from, the monarch butterfly is a sign that the souls of the dead have returned for Día de Muertos. Where life and death come together in celebration.’ Julie’s smile turned bright and placed her free hand on his. A heap of fingers.

‘Having butterflies on my body, right by my heart, will feel like she’s with me.’  __

She didn’t remove her hand and neither did he. It twitched as he willed himself to not do something stupid. Like hug her and never let her go because  _ fuck _ , why did the world treat her like this? 

He swallowed back the pity she didn’t want or need and said instead: ‘Fucking hell, Jules. Always sucking the fun out of everything.’

She stuck her tongue out and slapped his arm. ‘Asshole.’ The mood was light again and he could breath. 

Every time Julie talked about her mom, Luke floundered. Because the more she did, the more he was proven correct that Julie and her mom were intertwined in every way possible. It was never just Julie he was talking to and it terrified him. She was larger than life. And then he wondered if he would ever be larger than life. That his music would spread further than a concert hall. That he would tattoo something to honour his mom. That he would be able to say something and have the world thunder. 

He hoped so. 

Like Gemma said, Dash and Kriss came by thirty minutes later. They were just as stereotypical as the establishment. Dash had tattoo sleeves, a shaved head and gold eyeliner; Kriss long, blue braids, an all black attire and stars tattooed under her eyes. Basically, they were way too cool for either of them. Luke was intimidated. Dash took Luke under his wing and Kriss Julie. He led him to the back, where a slim hallway held rows of doors. The studios, Dash informed. They went to the one all the way in the back. 

‘Was supposed to go on lunch break but your tattoo is hella rad. Couldn’t let Wren take it.’ Dash grinned and showcased the cross tattooed on his front tooth.  _ Gnarly _ . He really was way too cool for Luke. 

‘Sit down. I traced your handwriting onto the parchment paper. D’you like it?’ Dash handed him the piece of paper, a perfect match to his handwriting sketched out. This dude could forge stuff if he wanted to. 

‘Yeah, it’s great. Thanks.’

‘Awesome. Then we can start.’ Dash began prepping arm and setting up the right tools. The studio was similar to the lobby. Dark walls, posters of tattoo designs, the only difference being the dentist-looking chair Luke was sitting on. 

‘Do you already have a tattoo?’

‘No, this is my first.’

‘Ah, I’m taking your tattoo virginity,’ he winked, ‘always a pleasure. But I’ll talk you through it then. Might hurt.’ He dipped the needle in the tattoo ink and turned the machine on. ‘Ready?’

Luke took a deep breath. He forgot that he got squeazy from needles. Fucking genius. ‘Fuck it.’

‘Awesome.’ And then the needle touched his skin and Luke let out a cry. What the fuck. What the actual fuck. He knew it hurt, but this was more than just “a pinch” like WikiHow said it would be! 

Dash laughed. ‘Where are you from, Luke?’

‘California,’ he took a sharp breath and kept back another groan.  _ Motherfucking shit fuck shit-  _

‘Damn,’ he whistled, ‘love that place. They have some good shops though. Why get one here?’

‘Impulsive decision, really.’

‘Always the best decisions. Was that scrawl also deliberately ugly?’

‘Uh,’ he stumped, momentarily forgetting the pain, ‘that’s just my handwriting, dude.’

Dash stopped to get ink and smiled shamefully. ‘ _ Oh _ . Woops. My bad.’ He went back in and this time it hurt a little less. Luke still clenched his jaw though. 

‘Your girlfriend getting the same?’

‘She’s not - ouch - she’s not my girlfriend. And no, she’s getting butterflies tatted.’

‘Cute. And sorry. I forgot we were in the seventies again and you hold hands with your friends.’

He tutted his lips. ‘I feel like you’re making fun of me.’

‘Bingo!’ He laughed, nearly flinging the needle in Luke’s face. ‘Nah, I’m just messing with you. Friendship is cool. Where are you headed?’

‘New York,’ Luke said, still peeved people kept thinking they were together. What was it with people constantly talking about the seventies?! ‘She’s headed to Maine.’

‘Man, if I wasn’t working full-time I’d backpack every chance I got.’ Dash twisted Luke’s arm to get a better angle. ‘What did Plato say? Knowledge exists in knowing that you know nothing. Or something like that. Or was that Socrates? I don’t know, man. Point is, travelling makes you realise how fucking dumb you are. Real humbling. I went backpacking through India when I was younger - almost died twice! Changed me as a person.’

The more Dash said, the more Luke realised that he wasn’t trying to help Luke through the tattoo, he just wanted to fucking talk. One of those dudes in high school that would start a discussion in class with the teacher for no fucking reason. (Dropping out was the best idea he ever had.)   
Dash kept babbling on and before he knew it, the tattoo was done. In his scrawl,  _ now or never  _ across the wrist. It was perfect. 

‘Way better than “YOLO”,’ Dash said. 

‘People still get that?’

‘Unfortunately.’

Julie wasn’t done yet as he went back to the lobby. Gemma perked up behind the counter. 

‘Can I see?’ He showed her. ‘ _ Ooh _ , that’s rad. Way better than those white girls getting “YOLO” tatted on their arm.’

Julie came back forty-five minutes later, Luke so bored at that point he and Gemma were eating potato chips and playing President. She had her t-shirt in her hand, the protection film right under her sports bra. 

‘Finally!’, he exclaimed.

Julie rolled her eyes. ‘It’s detailed work.’ And then turned to her side to showcase the tattoo. It was pretty: two small, hyper-realistic butterflies fluttering on her rib. 

‘Sweet,’ Gemma commented. ‘I’ll give you guys the ointment you have to put on the tattoo. For the next two weeks, you’ll have to do it four to five times a day! If you want it to last for a long time,  _ please  _ do it. Don’t take hot showers for a while too. Just try to keep it as clean as possible.’ She gave them the product and their pamflet. ‘If you have questions or problems, just call us.’ 

After they paid and bid goodbye, it was well after lunch. They got burritos to go (extra spicy for Julie, fried onions for Luke) and walked around the crawling streets of the Dallas Arts District. 

Munching contently, Julie said: ‘I think I’m picking our next activity now.’

Luke nodded, sucking corn from between his teeth. ‘Sure. What do you wanna do?’ 

‘Let me think for a sec.’

She picked up her phone and began scouring Google, him absentmindedly eating his burrito and ignoring the tingling sensation on his wrist. The casualty of Julie and him getting something permanent on their bodies did not go unnoticed. Until the day he died, he had Sunset Curve etched into his skin. Like getting your lover tatted on and hopefully staying together. Luke didn’t regret it. It was scary, whether or not permanence was even a thing (whether or not he’d ever have a true legacy or if it was all an illusion), but he liked how it looked. He used to scribble the answers of tests on his palms or lyrics on his arms - he was meant to be inked. 

Julie squealed, patting his shoulder with excitement. ‘ _ Ooh! _ I got it!’

He grinned. ‘What?’

‘Let get our fortune read!’

Luke blinked. ‘You wanna be scammed?’

‘Oh, come on!’ She threw her hands up. ‘You’re always pushing me to do stupid shit! It’ll be fun! There’s a psychic like three blocks away.’

She took a final bite of her burrito, threw the aluminum in the bin and stared up at him expectantly. Luke surrendered and matched her grin. Fine. He’d amuse her. Secretly, he was a little curious though. He was ninety-nine percent sure it was complete bullshit… but what if it  _ wasn’t _ ? He was surprised Julie even wanted to do it. Wasn’t she just as terrified of the future as him?

The psychic was housed in the basement of a slim townhouse between two, big clothing chains. Somehow, she survived. (“Must be the powers of the universe,” Julie teasingly whispered.) The aroma of sage instantly hit his nose as they descended the stairs. The indigo walls were tacked with astrological maps and voodoo dolls and dreamcatchers. A soft, eerie hum of music was heard from above. Was this a haunted house or a psychic’s cave? Or were those things the same? 

An old lady in dark cloaks and long, graying hair appeared form behind the corner. She had a pack of tarot cards in her hand. 

‘Greetings, travellers,’ she chanted. Aight, that was pretty weird. 

‘Didn’t we already meet a witch?’, he whispered.

‘Shut up,’ she hissed in a singsong way. ‘Hi!’ Julie stuck her hand out with a bright smile. ‘I’m Julie, this is Luke. We’d love to have our fortune read.’

Baring her yellowed teeth, the lady grinned back. ‘Hello, Julie and Luke. I’m Rowena.’ She shook Julie’s hand, her nails pointy and painted a chromatic red. Luke was expecting a crystal ball to roll by. Look, he didn’t want to be cynical, but they already spent quite a bit of money on the tattoos and that wasn’t a scam. This definitely was. 

‘Solo or together?’

Julie shrugged. ‘Together?’

She chuckled. ‘I thought so. Come in!’

They walked further, past a galaxy-printed curtain into a small, round space. In the middle was a round table and three chairs. One made for a king from some fucking Disney movie, the other two wooden and crickety. 

‘Alright, Julie and Luke.’ She took a deep breath and zeroed in on Julie. ‘Julie, meaning “beautiful flower”, “youthful”, “rose”. Rose is also a name. I feel a strong connection, like - oh wow, a very strong connection. Is that correct.’

Julie nodded, wide-eyed. ‘My mom’s name is Rose.’

Holy shit. Holy fucking shit. Julie was joking, right? How the fuck did this psychic know?! 

Rowena smiled conspiratorially. ‘That makes sense then. She is here, right now. She is in my mind. I hear loud music. I hear cars. I hear-’ Her finger pointed to Luke. ‘You’re thinking very loud, Luke. Luke, meaning “light”, “the one born at dawn”, “the bright one” - a lot of loud music. Also very bright. Does “bright” mean anything to you?’

His jaw fell slack. ‘Uh. Yeah. I- I wrote a song called “Bright”.’ And Julie’s smile. Her smile was always bright. 

‘Excellent, that explains the music. It’s deafening - wow!’ Rowena pressed a finger against her ear, cringing. ‘It’s very angry. It’s confused. The music is confused. It’s directionless. You are lost.’ Her eyes bore into Luke and he swallowed. Okay, this was way too creepy. She slid the tarot cards across the table, a straight line with the same intricate design on the back. 

‘Julie, pick a card.’

Cautiously, Julie tapped one off-center. Rowena flipped it around. A sun with a baby on a horse holding a red flag. Luke made a face. Was that… good? 

Rowena beamed. ‘Life will be good to you, Julie. It reflects happiness and success. You will get through your personal struggles and your - Is it a battle? Or is that Luke’s energy? - struggle with music and your mom will help you with that.’ She slipped a finger through Julie’s curls. ‘Firm. You will be placed in a leadership role in the future.’

‘I will?’, she gasped. Julie actually believed her? Probably should’ve expected it: she was best buds with the witch that fixed their car as well.

She nodded excitedly. ‘Yes! Now, Luke, you are much more certain. It is loud and lost, but it is very distinctive too. Are you in denial about something?’

‘Uh, I don’t know.’

‘Pick a card.’

He quickly tapped a random card, creeped out she’d pull some voodoo magic. He still didn’t believe, but… (He didn’t gave a “but”. The world was crazy enough as it was without supernatural powers.) It was a naked girl with a sash around her. Why were all these people naked? 

‘Ah, the World card. I was expecting this. Even the stars realise you are in denial and feel incompletion. You have unfinished business. But once you find what that is, you will feel harmony, fulfilment, and a sense of belonging.’ 

‘And how do I find out what that is?’, he asked, curiosity piqued. He stopped questioning the  _ how’s _ and caved. Even if he didn’t understand her… methods, what she was saying made sense. 

Rowena tilted her head. ‘You only have to look. The truths of the universe are very often right in front of our nose.’ 

The words settled in his bones. The truths of the universe. What did that even mean? Why would the universe care about him, a boy with no real significance? He was no president or astronaut or doctor curing cancer - he just played music. And as far as he knew, he was no Bob Dylan. The longer he was on the road, the more he realised how small he actually was. There was more than the stage. There was more to life than the life he had.

Rowena was right: he was lost. 

‘I don’t…’, he muttered, suddenly feeling Julie’s touch on his arm. It was hot against his skin. 

‘You will figure it out,’ Rowena said. ‘You’re smart. Be cautious of your impatience and competitiveness. Those can be good, but can also be your downfall.’

‘How do you-?’

‘Hair says a lot about a person.’

Stunned by her reply, Julie took it as her cue to speak again. ‘Is there anything else you can… uh… see?’

Her smile grew sympathetic. ‘I unfortunately cannot speak with the death, my dear flower. I’ve said my piece. I can tell you guys are meant to be on this journey together. Whatever that journey may be.’ She cracked her knuckles. ‘Would you guys like some hallucinogenic tea? Spiritual cookies?’

And she was back to her bullshit. Aight. Time to go.

‘No, thank you,’ he quipped, springing upright. Julie stifled a giggle. ‘How much do we pay you?’

A mysterious look overtook Rowena’s features, solidifying Luke’s belief she was definitely otherworldly, and smiled as if she knew something they didn’t. She probably did. ‘It’s free’

Julie frowned. ‘Are you sure? We can pay.’

Rowena dismissed her. ‘Don’t worry about it. It’s free. It’s supposed to be free. Buy food with the money - although, I’d recommend staying away from the hotdogs. I have a bad feeling about those today.’

Luke blinked. ‘Noted.’

Julie gratefully shook her hand. ‘Thank you so much. Have a great day!’

‘You too, flower.’ With the flourish of the hand, she held the curtain open for them to slip out again. 

They ascended the stairs, reaching the world of the normal again. He felt he was in, like, a submarine and could finally breath once the sun hit their faces. There was a layer of mystique stuck to his clothes that he couldn’t rub it off quite yet. He shivered. 

‘Spooked?’, Julie teased. 

He gaped at her. ‘Dude, you weren’t freaked out by that?’

‘Of course, but I told you I was into astrology! You shouldn’t be so cynical.’

‘Jules, trust me, I’m no cynic after this. She looked inside our fucking  _ minds _ .’

He made a gagging sound. ‘I feel weird.’

She wiggled her fingers and prodded his forehead. ‘Are the truths of the universe coming to you?’

‘No.’ He pushed her hand away. ‘I still don’t know what that means. Why did she have to be so cryptic?’ 

‘She was right,’ Julie grinned and Luke knew she was relishing this. ‘You  _ are  _ impatient.’ When his face didn’t change, she rolled her eyes. ‘Don’t worry, Luke. Aren’t you the one always going with the flow?’ 

Well,  _ yes _ , but now that Rowena gave his insecurities a name - unfinished business - it was all he could think about! Did that mean his mom? Leaving the band in the dust? (Like Bobby?) A general lack of knowing  _ anything _ ? Or was it something as simple at what came after the drive? Fuck, man. Josh really got to him. Luke was a doer, not a thinker. Alex was the thinker and Reggie drifted between whatever worked best in the moment itself. It was like he put on a shirt backwards. Nothing made sense anymore. How did Julie stay so calm? That woman predicted her dead mom’s name! And now that he thought of it, he was _ pretty sure  _ the witch from before was just this one with different hair. Luke told Julie just that and she laughed, patting his shoulder fondly. 

‘That would honestly be amazing.’

He distracted himself by proposing to go to a record store and replace his stolen CD’s. There were various ones scattered across downtown according to Maps, but they decided on the most authentic one; their prices were usually more reasonable and didn’t cater to the hipster audience. He wanted the OG’s. 

The shop was cramped, floor to ceiling cabinets filled with CD’s, tapes and vinyls. Luke almost frothed at the mouth: this was the dream. He decided that in another life he’d be a record shop owner. At least that question was answered now.  
A forty-something lounged behind the counter, toying with the stereo as he was searching for the right track to play. Right now, an old Rolling Stones song bounced from the corners. His fingers glided across a row of CD’s, smiling. This was his safe haven. 

Julie and him split up, her ascending to the duplex and him crouching in a dark alcove with fraying vinyl covers. He flipped through them: David Bowie, Nina Simone, ABBA, Wham!, Nirvana, Ray Charles, Louis Armstrong - all the good ones. If Luke didn’t just pay for a tattoo, he’d buy them all. Venturing to the CD section, he was relieved to find they were alphabetically placed. He would be distracted and drowning in other artists instead of retrieving The Beatles. Elvis Presley, The Kooks and The Beatles, Luke reminded himself. Don’t get distracted. 

But then he saw a The Velvet Underground CD and he knew he was done for.

Julie found him thirty minutes later, cross-legged on the floor with piles of CD’s surrounding him. She had a handful with her as well. 

‘I could be here for hours,’ she sighed dreamily. 

Luke looked up. ‘Can we?’

Julie shrugged. ‘Not like we have anything better to do.’ She sat down next to him and began looking through another box. He glanced at her pile: Selena Quintanilla, Fats Waller, Aaliyah, Whitney Houston. His respect grew another tenfold. (Not that it wasn’t already in another stratosphere… Julie was literally the best person he ever met and he hasn’t quite come to terms with that.) 

‘You know you can listen to the CD’s as well?’, the man quipped. Their heads popped up from the aisle.

‘What?’, Luke asked. 

His head nodded to a wall at the other side, with three stereo’s and attached headphones.  _ Oh _ . The man grinned at their dumbfounded expressions. 

Julie smiled abashedly. ‘Thank you.’ 

They grabbed their favourite ones from the ever-growing pile and sat down on the pleather chaise longue. Hips touching. He placed the Fats Waller CD in the middle stereo, handing Julie one ear cup of the headphones, him the other. The sweet soulful tones hit his ear, closing his eyes with delight. Something about old jazz felt like the start of music to him. Classical music was annoying, he found, but jazz - that was when people started playing for the people. He peeked at Julie, drowned in the sound with eyes closed and a content smile edging her lips. He wondered if they passed each other in record stores before, before she stopped playing, and they just didn’t remember. What if they’ve stood right next to each other debating whether or not to buy this exact CD and it was all colliding now? Luke blinked.  _ Nah, too insane.  _

They switched to The Velvet Underground’s self-titled album from 1969. It was one of his dad’s favourites. He said because it was released the year he was born, but Luke always thought because “Pale Blue Eyes” reminded him of mom. It was quite a sad song though, so he didn’t really get that. 

He heard sniffling. Turning to Julie, he noticed silent tears spilling on her cheeks. He softly touched her shoulder. She jerked up and lowered the headphones. 

‘It’s just so beautiful.’ She rubbed her cheeks. ‘I think this is what love sounds like.’

Choked up by her honest confession, he averted his gaze. He suddenly realised how intimitate this was: hidden in a nook of an old record shop, huddled over a stereo and sharing headphones. A love song. He wanted to pull away, create space to relieve the warmth spreading in his chest, on his face. But he was stuck. Stuck on the sweet notes of “Pale Blue Eyes” and Julie. 

‘Did you know it’s actually about a girl with hazel eyes?’, she whispered.

Breath hitched. ‘What?’

‘Yeah,’ she nodded, ‘Lou Reed wrote about it in his book.’

Hazel eyes. Oh. Maybe that made more sense for his parents then. He felt flustered. The song and the meaning and Julie’s closeness - it was all too much. 

‘Do you have hazel eyes?’, he asked. 

She smiled. ‘They’re just brown.’

They were pretty, Luke thought. Not  _ just  _ brown.  __

They ultimately bought a heap of CD’s. Luke the ones he intended to buy, plus The Velvet Underground and Nina Simone CD. Julie the ones she had in her hands previously. The employee was quite pleased - “Not many buy actual CD’s anymore,” he said when they paid. “Fucking Spotify.” They promised to recommend the store to their friends and left.

It was deep into the afternoon by now, early evening making businessmen walk home with brisk steps and friends meet up at pubs. The atmosphere changed. It was relaxed; less frantic rush of the city. Ties loosened, smiles widened, laughs fuller. They followed the stream of adolescents and walked into the heart of the nightlife with strips of bars and restaurants and live music. 

‘This is super similar to the Sunset Strip,’ he commented.

She shrugged. ‘I don’t really go to WeHo much.’

‘What?!’, he gasped. ‘But it has the best clubs!’

‘We’re eighteen,  _ remember _ ? I didn’t blackmail venues to let me in,’ she teased. ‘Besides, East Hollywood is underrated as hell.’

‘Yeah, only you would say that.’

‘It’s true! You should go to Charlie’s Shack when you’re back in LA. It’s where all the new bands find their managers. Flynn and I go there all the time.’

‘Oh, I’ve heard of them, they-’

And then Luke smelled the delicious aroma of meat and he knew they were heading in the right direction. Snatching her hand, he dragged them past the shops and into a park littered with food trucks. They glittered with embellished neon lights advertising their goods: waffles, tacos, Korean BBQ, kebab, fried prawns, samosas. One had a speaker tacked on, Congolese music playing. Luke bounced on his feet, excited. 

‘It’s so cute!’, Julie exclaimed. 

‘Okay,’ he turned to face her and placed his hands on her shoulders. ‘Here are the rules. You can choose what we’re eating-’

Her brows rose to her hairline, sputtering a laugh. ‘Are you-?’

‘- but it  _ has  _ to be meat!’ 

‘The “majesty” is letting  _ me  _ pick? What an  _ honour _ .’ Julie stuck her tongue out at the end, making him roll his eyes. So what if he was a territorial over his food? Everyone had their vices! 

Julie craned her neck, eyes glossing over the trucks with scrutiny. Churros glistening with melted sugar made his stomach coil and rumble.  _ Ooh _ , he wanted like six of ‘em! 

She tapped his shoulder. ‘Döner kebab, sounds good?’ 

Thick meat spun on a pin like cotton candy and placed in a bun with vegetables and a secret sauce. It was  _ mouthwatering _ . Julie grinned cheekily as she took the buns and thanked the guy. Luke groaned; it smelled fucking amazing. They leaned against the side of the truck, illuminated by the lights, casting Julie in blue and him in red neon. 

‘Best. Idea. Ever.’

‘My dad’s obsessed with take-out, we get it every Saturday.’

They dug in and Luke was so overjoyed that it tasted even better than it smelled he wanted to cry. No fucking way they could go back to prepackaged pasta after this. They recounted the day and looked at their tattoos again and marvelled at the fact that _ they just did that _ on a whim. Laughed at Gemma’s quips and Rowena’s mysterious smile and how, apparently, Kriss was just as loopy as Dash. Julie said that this was their best day so far, no inconveniences or crummy people or stolen cars. It made him laugh, because fuck - she was right. They’ve had so much shit happen to them in less than ten days. 

He wiped a smudge of sauce from her chin when a thought occurred to him. ‘Hey! I never got around to showing you “Bright”!’ 

‘ _ Ooh! _ Show me now!’, she urged. 

‘Okay!’ He grabbed the songbook from his backpack and pulled out two folded pieces of paper. It has been folded and unfolded so many times it was almost breaking in the middle. He smiled nostalgically. He wrote this when he was fourteen and the band was just created, back when Bobby was still a member. He wasn’t one for long - a mere six months - but it was an amazing time either way. Figuring out how to play together and the magic they felt when it worked. Booming life into a space. “Bright” was his hopeful, somewhat naive, wish they’d become big someday and that their parents would finally understand. It seemed silly back then. Now, it was kind of tragic. Luke presumed that was why they never played it; it was too ominous. Maybe… maybe Julie would breath new life into it. 

He handed her the papers. ‘You said you played piano and I think that would even work as, like, an interlude? Kind of the calm before the storm and then: bam! Explosion of sound!’

‘It’s really good,’ Julie muttered, impressed. ‘Your handwriting is terrible, by the way. Didn’t wanna say it when we wrote “Emily” but…’

He snatched the papers from her grip. ‘Thanks, Jules.’

‘Oh, stop!’ She took it back. ‘I’d love to sing this. How does it-?’

He hummed the melody, mumbling the words under his breath. She nodded along. They were bouncing on their feet and muttering the words and jiggling the kebab and they probably looked insane. And then Julie stopped looking at the papers and began to sing it softly with the rhythm of his continuous humming. Luke wondered if this was how The Beatles felt when they performed “I Wanna Hold Your Hand” on The Ed Sullivan Show in 64.  _ Giddy _ . He had a hard time keeping the silly smirk off his face.

‘Hey, kids! If you’re gonna be singin, you can go to do it at Sue’s or somethin!’, yelled the food truck dude, nearly toppling out of the window. Julie flinched and muttered a string of apologies, but Luke only focused on the last part of his remark. 

‘Sir!’ He came forward, his “I would make a great son-in-law”-smile sliding on and placing his arm on the counter. ‘If I may ask politely: where is Sue’s?’

The man rolled his eyes. ‘Pacific Avenue. Now scram!’

Sue’s was a old, smoky pub with young and old mixed together. It seemed like a place locals favoured, hidden in a nook with barely any advertisements and drinks written in Dallas slang. On the far left, a small surface of raised flooring: the stage. It held an old-timey piano and a mic leftover from the 90s. A dim light shone at the bottom of the stage. It reeked of sweat and alcohol and history and Luke  _ loved  _ it. Julie seemed intrigued as well, drinking in every little detail around her. He motioned at her to sit at a table, one far enough from the bar they wouldn’t notice they were young but close enough to still hear the performers properly. 

A young man came onstage with an acoustic guitar. There was a spring in his step, people muttering acknowledgements as he seated himself on a barstool. He must be a regular.

‘Hey, y’all.’ His bass voice filled the room. ‘Thanks for having me. I’m Spencer. This is “Lotus”.’ His southern drawl was strong as he began singing about balance and tranquility and the escape of the countryside. About hedonism and love and medicine.

Country wasn’t really Luke’s thing, but even he could appreciate it. Reggie would be in tears. He should ask Spencer if he had a Spotify and send the link to Reg.

Julie was rocking in her seat, a beam scrunching her nose. The reason why they were here spurred in his brain - they should perform too! The lowkey setting made Luke deduce it wasn’t with a sign-up sheet and just free for all, so they could just jump on stage after Spencer, right? Playing “Unsaid Emily” was out of the question. It was one thing doing it on the radio where no one could see him, but in front of people? When there was a chance he’d crumble by the start of the bridge? Julie could only clean up the shatters and glue him together so many times. 

Spencer’s voice faded out. ‘Thank you,’ he muttered. The crowd cheered and snapped their fingers, glasses chiming between friends. Would Luke get away looking twenty-one? Nah. He shouldn’t risk it. (He totally did though.) 

Julie’s expression twisted into something cryptic as Spencer descended the stage, wheels churning. She must be thinking the same. A light bulb went off! They could perform “Bright”! They haven’t really rehearsed, but-   
Oh shit! His guitar was still in the car! Maybe he could-

‘Hi everyone, I’m Julie. I’m here for a day and since you’re all strangers, I don’t have a problem playing this for you.’ 

The people grinned, nodding at her candor. Luke stared at her, baffled. One second she was by his side, the next she was on stage charming the audience. He didn't even see her run. Was she about to perform… alone? With what material? As far as he knew, she hasn’t written any new songs recently. Those poems haven’t been transposed yet, he thought. 

She attached the mic to the stand and sat behind the piano, spreading sheet music across the top. Luke shut his mouth and gulped. The light glowed with dust particles around her curls, a halo formed. A vision. 

‘This is “Wake Up”. Thank you.’ 

An elaborate piano interlude began and Luke was finally introduced to her skill. He couldn’t see her fingers, but he saw as her arms fluttered swiftly from one chord to the other. Her brows were pinched, eyes focused solely on the papers. He had no idea what was about to engulf him. Push him to his knees. 

_ Here's one thing I want you to know  
_ _ You got some place to go  
_ _ Life's a test, yes, but you go toe-to-toe  
_ _ You don't give up, no, you grow _

Oh. He moved to the edge of his seat. This was… this was not just… Luke was at a loss. 

_ And you use your pain  
_ _ 'Cause it makes you you  
_ _ Though I wish I could hold you through it  
_ _ I know it's not the same  
_ _ You got living to do  
_ _ And I just want you to do it _

_ So get up, get out, relight that spark  
_ _ You know the rest by heart _

Her voice grew in crescendo as the chorus hit, crystalline tone bouncing off the walls and commanding any ignorant fool.  _ Julie was singing! _ it yelled. And when she sang, people listened. He was again overcome with the feeling of staring into the sun. The way her face contorted in pure nirvana as she hit every single note. Better than any drug imaginable. 

_ Wake up, wake up if it's all you do  
_ _ Look out, look inside of you  
_ _ It's not what you lost  
_ _ It's what you'll gain raising your voice in the rain  
_ _ Wake up your dream and make it true  
_ _ Look out, look inside of you  
_ __ It's not what you lost  
_ Relight that spark, time to come out of the dark  
_ __ Wake up, wake up

Luke didn’t understand the song, not entirely, and he knew he never would. This was a moment between Julie and her mom and he and everyone else in the room knew it. And it pained him. The sun too bright. She visibly worked through the song, as if discovering its lyrics in her head, plucking them from between the clouds. It felt like an end. (Or a beginning, if he were to follow what Julie said about the philosophers or what Rowena said about the truths of the universe. There was nothing linear about anything they were doing anymore.) 

Julie belted and whispered and sang  _ sang sang _ and suddenly it was over and no one dared to sit by the final note of the piano. Silence settled. Julie looked up, trembling smile and teary-eyed, and whispered a “thank you”.

And then the world erupted. 

Luke didn’t hear any of it. He set himself off from his chair, the piece falling over, as he ran to the stage. Julie barely met his eyes when he scooped her up in his arms and heard her light laughter in his ear. Her feet dangled above the ground. 

‘You were amazing!’, he yelled. 

‘Thank you!’

He reluctantly let go, feet settling on the ground as he kept a grip on her waist. His etched smile wouldn’t leave, not when Julie looked up at him with an equally fond gaze. 

Was that one light hot or was it just him? 

Suddenly, he heard the audience coo and Luke realised he was on stage. Oh. Right. 

‘Woopsie,’ she whispered.

He chuckled as both got off, Julie getting pats on the back and compliments thrown from every direction as they went. A bartender glided to their table, placing two glasses with a mysterious red liquid in front of them. 

Julie grimaced. ‘Um-’

‘Mocktails,’ he winked. ‘On the house. Come back anytime, Julie.’ 

Luke nodded excitedly. ‘Thanks!’ When the bartender left, he turned to her. ‘That was… Julie, you were amazing.’

She averted her gaze, playing with the straw. ‘Thanks. The song, it’s… it’s my mom’s. She wrote it for me before she died and I never found the strength to play it. But this place… I don’t know.’ She stroked her ribcage. ‘It was like my mom was whispering in my ear to do it.’ 

‘Maybe Rowena wasn’t so crazy after all,’ he teased. 

She chuckled, eyes gleaming. ‘Maybe.’

How quickly their high would come teetering down. After midnight. After the bar. After they went back to the car and Julie slept in the passenger seat and after his distracted thoughts made him go left instead of right. How the low came crashing by when Julie woke up and took one look at the signs on the road and screeched:

‘WHY THE FUCK ARE WE IN MISSOURI?’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oof. so many references in this one. the research man, the RESEARCH
> 
> fun fact: initially, i wanted them to get a self-done stick and poke tattoo with becca and kate, but it requires too much equipment for it to safe and believable. 
> 
> chapter inspired by "tales of ba sing se" from avatar: the last airbender


	7. you never gave a warning sign (i gave so many signs)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ambiguous chapter title: exile // taylor swift ft. bon iver

**NOWHERE**

It was raining. 

They were driving in silence, just the soft hum of a song he didn’t recognise giving some relief to the building tension he stupidly created. Missouri, Mississippi - it was an honest mistake! So they weren’t exactly sure where they were right now, _whatever_ , but they were still going east! Somewhat! Luke was pretty certain they were headed to Illinois. 

Julie’s arms were crossed, expression sullen and lips like she bit into a lime. Her knee was bouncing. Luke puffed, agitation building in his neck. He should say something morale boosting. What would Reggie say? Blabber about country music? Indulge in a grand fantasy? Boast about the girls he hooked up with? Nah, that wouldn’t work. Then again, he did have one fantasy he’s been thinking about… 

'Hey,' he trailed, 'I've been thinking.'

'Hm?' 

'Why don't you stay in New York with me?' 

Julie frowned, looking away from her window. 'What do you mean?' 

'That you stay in New York with me once we get there.' He gave her a careful smile, but her frown deepened. 

'You know I'm going to Maine.' Her jaw tensed in defense. 'I'm not changing my plan.'

Luke rolled his eyes. 'Jules, come on.' 

'What?', she cut. It was such an abrupt shift that he accidentally bit his cheek. 'What are you trying to say here, Luke?' 

'I'm not-!' 

' _Luke_ .' Her entire body was on edge, tone aggravated and his mind yelled at him to _go back! Do not pass go!_ But there was no taking back. The war lines were drawn. He steeled himself.

'Okay. Fine. I don't wanna see you get hurt when you won't get what you're looking for.'

'What the hell? My mom lived in Maine, I'll find the answers I've been looking for.'

Luke snarled. 'What _answers_ , Julie? That she went to the beach? That she learned how to fucking swim? Your mom was born there Jules, she didn't live there! You're gonna be disappointed!'

'You don't know that!', Julie yelled, 'You don't know me and you _certainly_ don't know my mom!'

'I do know you! That's the whole fucking point! I care!' Frustration roared in his chest, daring to pop from his throat and spout heinous things. 

She scoffed. 'If you really cared, you wouldn't hold me back.'

'Oh, come on! Don't give me that bullshit!' 

'It's not bullshit! If you really fucking cared, Luke, you would realise that I wasn't always comfortable with the shit we were doing. If you really cared, you would've listened and understand what my mom means to me!' 

'I do! Don't twist the situation, Julie! What's so wrong about not wanting your heart to get broken?! You're-' He took a shuddering breath. 'You're - - - Julie. I don't...' 

'Stop the car.' Her voice had gotten low, icy. He bumped against a wall. 

'Jules-'

'Stop the fucking car, Luke!'

'Fine!', he roared and made a harsh turn. 

She slammed the door open before he even reached the shoulder and stepped out, snatching her bag from the backseat. Her face was red with fury. He was trembling with anger. What the fuck was her problem? 

'What are you doing?' 

'I'm hitchhiking,' she bit. 'Thank you _so much_ for your services, but I'm good now.' The cynical lilt made him wanna get out of the car and continue fighting. 

'Julie,' he warned. 

'Go!', she yelled, so loud and so shrill that it hurt his ears and made her throat raw. She banged the door shut. 'Go! Just fucking go!' 

Luke hit the gas and sped off, blood pounding in his ears. He could've said more, tried more, but he was so mad. He let out a scream and stomped the steering wheel, accidentally hitting the horn. If Julie wanted to be like this, so be it. He couldn't care less. She was fucking uptight and a rule-follower and overemotional and too much. He played with fire and she with gasoline. It was meant to end in flames. Going over the speed limit, the roar of his nineties car sounded quite unhealthy, but he didn't care. He was done caring. 

Why couldn't she see he was trying to help? She confided so much with him, told him her stories. From childhood to the death of her mom to the poems that were lyrics at the bottom of her backpack. How did she not see Maine would be a disaster? She was gonna be wandering around some fucking lobster shack and find "purpose" in the meaningless sand. Travelling across America all for nothing. He gave her an out! Stay In New York and figure it out from there but no - she was too fucking stubborn to realise that. His fingers tingled with fury. 

He slowed down slightly - the car was really gasping for air right now - and went into another lane. Looking in his rear view mirror, he noticed she was ready out of view, not even a small purple dot on the horizon. Their journey was officially over. It was never supposed to last this long anyway. How could he have been so stupid to let this girl infiltrate his life and change the way he saw the world? This was supposed to be his thing and he let her worm her beliefs and decisions into it. So fucking dumb. 

Luke rolled his lips as a seed of doubt settled in the back of his head. He was doing the right thing, right? Letting her stand there on the side of the road? He knew Julie could take care of herself, but she was a girl, alone in a state she knew nothing about. She charged her phone before, right? If something happened to her, was he responsible? Oh shit. If something happened to her, it wouldn't matter if he was responsible or not not, he would simply think he was. Because whether he liked it or not, Julie and him were intertwined. And he liked that. He really liked that. Because Julie has become... his best friend. In her own way that was different from Reggie or Alex. Julie made him laugh and chuckle and shake his head and roll his eyes and he never wanted her to stop and he liked that. 

Oh, fuck. 

He made a U-turn, similar to the one he made back in Arizona. But this time, it wasn't out of simple intrigue. This time, it was frantic. This time, he cared so much it scared him. He'd worry about it later.

His priority was finding Julie and convince her to trust him again. 

He drove back to the point she jumped out, Julie nowhere to be found. Did she already find a new car to hitchhike with? That fast? Bile clumped in his throat. The thought of some skeeze opening his door for her... 

He raced to the most nearby gas station, darting down aisles and hurriedly asking employees of they've seen her. One lamented that "girls so often disappear on the road" and Luke wanted to knock him out right then and there. He drove by fields and campsites and checkpoints and _nothing_. How did she just get away so quickly? Did someone really pick her up? They stupidly never exchanged phone numbers, so he couldn't call her either. Fuck. How quickly everything came crashing down. It hasn't even been an hour.

He kept driving in circles, each previously passed point making him more frustrated. Defeated, he stopped where he left her. Alright. New game plan. It was unrealistic he was gonna find her. She must've gotten a ride immediately after he left and he hoped she had enough people skills to see if the person was a psycho or not. Seeing as she continuously talked about predators, he assumed she did. He had to convince himself she was safe. The only thing he could do now was to keep driving to New York and hope for a miracle. A sob wracked his body. Horror stories assaulted his imagination. Argh! No! _She was safe, she was safe, she was safe, she was safe, she was safe._ Julie was safe and he knew that because Julie was smart and strong and not afraid to kick ass. He had to believe she was safe. 

He took ten minutes to calm down - breathing exercises he has seen Alex do - and then got on the road again. He drove slow this time, furiously blinking the tears away from his blurred gaze. There was static in his brain. Pure silence passed across hours, no hum or tap or music. He didn't deserve it.

What was he even thinking? Convincing her to stay with him? And then what? Play House with her? Create a new band through the sheer power of friendship? Fucks sake, how stupid was he?!

Luke stopped at the border between Missouri and Illinois. Saint Louis. He drove for eleven consecutive hours today: it was after midnight. Quickly peeing in a bush - no way he was paying to use a fucking toilet - he went inside the quiet establishment; the bell jingled above his head when he opened the door. He flinched at the sound.

A tired waitress sluggishly passed him, coffee pot in hand. Elevator music hummed in the diner. The bright lit store held only three other people. He foolishly hoped to see Julie, but they were all bearded men in suits. Jehovah's Witness? Mormons? If Julie were here, she'd excitedly walk up to them and start a chat. Luke slipped past them and bought a Red Bull.

Cold air hit his face when he went back out, a light drizzle making his skin clammy. He cringed. _Great_ . His goal was to keep driving, as he wanted the trip to get over with, but he reasoned he shouldn't be driving in the rain at night. He'd sleep here for now. Luke got in his car and drove it onto the patch of grass behind the station. A few others cars were there too. All dark. He was alone.  
He clicked the overhead lights on and decided he should listen to a little bit of music before he went to sleep. Just some Billy Joel to ease his mind. He closed his eyes and sunk into the backseat. Only now did he let his erratic thoughts rest.

Someone knocked on his window.

He shot upright, heartbeat flying through the ceiling as he bumped his head against the side. Luke truly could not catch a break. He forced his eyes open, wincing from the pain, when he looked right into the bloodshot eyes of Julie. 

_Oh_. 

They stared at each other for a moment, numb. Then, he wordlessly unlocked the car and Julie took a seat next to him. She was uncharacteristically cold. No one said a thing. Luke couldn't look at her, reeling and stunned and and close to crying and so mad and so relieved and so overwhelmed that - as Rowena would say - the universe decided to give them a second chance. Of all the gas stations in all the towns in all the world, Julie walked into his. 

'I'm sorry, Julie,' he whispered. 

Julie flung herself into his arms before he said her name. His arms wrapped around her torso tightly, face dug in her neck and breathing in her smell and sweat and peach deodorant. Adrenaline rushed away, limbs feeling heavy and tired. _She was safe._

'I'm sorry,' she cried. 'I shouldn't have run away.'

'I shouldn't have suggested-' 

'You care.'

'Still. Maine is your quest. New York's mine. I shouldn't have come between that.'

' _I_ should've been more understanding.'

Luke chuckled and pulled back to wipe her sniffling tears away. He let his fall free. 'Let's agree we're both shitty people.'

Julie laughed. 'Agreed.' And then she wiped his tears away and her touch was fiery hot. He placed his hand over hers, an incredulous grin pulling on his face. How did they find each other again? What was the probability? 

Julie seemed to hear his thoughts. 'Crazy, right?' 

'How did you get here?', he sputtered. 

'That "witch" we met in Arizona? Passed me five minutes after you drove off. Her name's Ingrid by the way. Super nice.'

His head was exploding. 'She- she was there? You saw her again? How is that even-?' 

'Possible? I don't know.' Julie shrugged, looking as exhausted as he did. 'A cosmic sign? But I know you don't believe-' 

'Dude, I believe in it now.' 

She bit her cheek, flailing for something to say. He couldn’t think straight. He was still unsure whether the droplets of her skin were real. Whether anything that happened today, was real. 

'How was it, uh, being alone?', she said. 

'Terrible,' he quipped. 'Don't ever leave me alone again; I have no idea how hermits do it.'

Julie giggled and he grinned at his own expense and everything felt kind of normal again. They had some bumps and bruises, just like the car, but they still worked. They would be okay. 

Julie jabbed her thumb at the trunk. 'Okay if I sleep in the trunk?' 

'Is that even a question?' 

* * *

'Huh,' he puffed. 'I expected Springfield to look a little more... Springfield-y.'

'Yup.'

They arrived in Springfield, Illinois by noon the next day after a tentative morning. Julie was more soft-spoken, him less impulsive with his words. It wasn't quite the same anymore, but not necessarily in a bad way. Testing the boundaries again, setting new lines - understanding one another better. They had to pardon themselves for it: going from strangers to very close companions was quite unorthodox. Luke had been excited to see Springfield, on the presumption that it would be like on The Simpsons. Much to his dismay, it was just a regular ass town. A boring one at that. No nuclear towers or Moe's bar or Homer choking Bart. He was very disappointed. Julie was more surprised he thought it'd be like the show in the first place, but nonetheless comforted him. 

Right now, they were on a rooftop car park. 

'I mean, we can just nap for a bit and then I'll drive,' Julie said. 'You've been driving a lot.'

'But what if it _is_ like Springfield though?' 

'Luke, it's not gonna be like the show.'

'But what if it _is_?' 

Julie made a face and he knew he was pushing it. 'Then what are you suggesting?' 

'Find some good food? I'm still thinking about that kebab.' He smacked his lips. Even that man’s sour mood couldn’t stop Luke from dreaming about that juicy meat.

She pouted. ‘Can we nap and _then_ find food? And don’t tell me you’re not tired, your head is literally swaying.’

It _did_ feel fuzz and static was blocking any coherent thoughts. Maybe he should nap… for like… an hour or something. An hour tops and he would be good as new! Luke nodded and let Julie lead him into the backseat. The second his head hit the couch, he was gone. 

He woke with the crinkling of aluminum. His eyes cracked open, gunk in the tear ducts, and saw Julie bend over her phone, absentmindedly eating a burrito bowl. There was a steaming paper bag on the dashboard with his name written in sharpie. Jeez, how long was he out? 

'Wha-?' He crawled to the front, painfully jabbing his stomach on the console and fell into the driver’s seat. By now, Julie was bemused. 

'Luke, you've driven for like, 24 hours in total, in the past two days. I was going to let you sleep in.'

He blinked. Sleep in? 'How- how late is it?'

She glanced at her phone. 'Five fifteen.'

'I slept the entire day?!' And then he noticed the blurred colours of the sky and the desolate car park and the papery taste in his mouth from not having a drink in hours. His crippling FOMO wasn't helping either. He made a face and Julie handed him a water bottle.

'I woke up at noon. Walked around a bit, got food. Springfield is really boring, you didn't miss a thing.' She perked up. 'Oh! I also got a keychain!' Proud, she showcased a Homer bobblehead keychain with a nuclear tower and "Springfield" written in cacophonous colours. Tacky as hell. Luke loved it. 

'Cute,' he noted. 'What'd you get me?' He grabbed the bag. 

'Uh, like ground beef burrito with extra guac. I also picked a weird flavour soda.' 

Was it odd to be touched she remembered he liked extra guacamole? That she knew he'd love to figure out what the soda tasted like? He pushed it back and picked the drink from the bag. "Sriracha Sorbet and Peaches". 

'What the fuck.'

'I know. The guy didn't know what it tasted like either. Too scared to try.'

He laughed. 'That's fucking dope.' Unscrewing the lid, he took a big gulp to which Julie made a surprised squeak and hid behind her hands. 

'And?!' 

'Oh my God,' he coughed, throat burning. This was like those cayenne vinegar shots Bobby used to drink before a show because it was "cleansing" or whatever. Fucking hell. Who the fuck decided to make this? 'What the fuck.'

Julie snickered. 'That bad?' 

'Try it.'

She took a small sip and made a shrewd face. 'I like spicy food but this... nope.' Smacked her lips. 'It's like... expired peach sorbet and then trying to hide it with sriracha. This is the best worst flavour we've tried so far though.'

Luke chuckled, mockingly placing a first place medal on the neck of the soda, and grabbed his burrito. A pamphlet of coupons fell out too. 

' _Ooh_! Would this work in other states?!' 

'Probably,' she shrugged. 

He inspected the pamphlet, every possible sponsor and deal pushed in bright colours and flashy pictures. Something in the corner caught his eye. 

_SING @THEPIT_IL AND GET THREE MEALS FOR FREE!_

Eyeing Julie, he wondered what she'd say. She did seem comfortable performing last night (No wait, two nights ago? Three? Fuck man.), but would she do it again? With him this time? Would she think he was trying to push her again? Tempt her with music and a chance to play more? He scoffed inwardly. He wasn't some fucking creature tempting "innocent" Julie. If she wanted to say no, she could say no. 

'Jules?' 

'I didn't mess up your order, right?' 

"No, no! It's good! Look.' He handed her the pamphlet and tapped his finger at the blurb. 

Scanning it over, she nodded. 'You wanna play tonight? Sure.'

He grinned. 'I want _us_ to play tonight.'

She looked up. 'Us? We don't have anything prepared.'

His grin widened. 'But we do.'

After realising The Pit would open in exactly an hour and you had to get on a list somehow, they quickly freshened up - Julie back in that mesh top, him in one of his sleeveless shirts - and practically ran to the bar. It was definitely a lot more elevated than the pub from Dallas. No stench of cigarettes or men that probably fought in the Vietnam war. Young people - looking for an escape of the Springfield life, Luke assumed. 

'Aight, I'm gonna try and get our names on the list,' he whispered, to which Julie nodded and pulled on a charming smile that competed with his and began chatting up the bartender. Luke shook his head, perplexed. Julie the seductress? Who would've thought?

Quickly checking no one was looking, his fingers lurched for the pen and scribbled their names on the bottom of the paper. There wasn't really any space left, but he hoped the guys running this loved music more than they loved rules and let them play regardless. 

He nonchalantly sauntered to Julie and whispered: 'Done,’ in her ear. She thanked the bartender for their drinks and sat down at a table. 

'You got us in?' 

'Yup.' He'd omit the fact he wasn't _exactly_ sure. 'We're last.'

Julie puffed. 'Great. I'm going to feel nervous for hours.'

'Hey,' he grabbed her hand. 'That just means we have more time to rehearse.'

'Where?', she giggled. 'In the alley?' 

'Sure!'

'They'd fine us because we don't have a permit.'

'Right... then it's gonna be fire from the get go. Now or never, right?' 

A smile pulled on her lips. 'Right.'

People trickled inside as the minutes ticked on, friend groups hoarding tables and musicians claiming the space near the stage. It held a keyboard and a couple of microphones. He _wished_ he had his electric guitar, but with both their talent, he hoped it would be enough. They'd throw the house down! 

The first performer ascended the stage fifteen minutes after their arrival. An older woman, about his mom's age, with a bass guitar and 80s pullover. 

'Hello, I'm Claire. This is "Houndstooth".'

'Hi, I'm Mohammed.'

'What's up, we're Night Rumours!' 

'Hey, I'm Luna!' 

'Hi everyone, I'm Olivia and this is Sean, Kingston and Joey. We're Eldest Kids Suck!' 

'I'm Jess, this is "Faring Well".'

Artists came on and off like clock-work, all the better than the on before. Julie and him would really have to prove themselves, they had to end with a bang. The one thing he wanted from an audience was after a Sunset Curve concert, they’d talk about it until the sun came up. About the lyrics, about the music, about how it made them feel - whether that was anger or joy or anguish. It didn’t matter where Luke was. If he played, he wanted his music to linger in their bones and haunt their dreams. “Bright” had to leave Springfield in shambles. 

Sooner than he expected, the emcee came on with the clipboard. Luke held his breath. 

‘Thank you, Margaret! Well folks, that was the fina-’ He froze, peering at the paper. ‘Uh. Never mind. Final act of the night: Luk and July…?’

The crows laughed and Luke felt Julie’s scathing scowl burning on his temple. He grinned, flustered, mouthed _sorry_ and dragged her to the front. Julie wiped the look off her face and nervously faced the audience. The crowd was encased in darkness, only two dimmed lights making the singers visible. It felt like the real deal. 

He plugged his guitar into the acoustic amp and she readjusted the mics. Complete silence and anticipation. Even he felt nerves spike in his stomach. The mic reverberated as she sat down in front of the well-loved keyboard. He stood next to her, guitar an extension of himself, and nodded at her to take the wheel. She fixed a smile. 

'Hi, we're Julie and Luke. We've, uh, known each for about ten days.' The crowd chuckled. 'This is a song he wrote a while back and we rehearsed it today for, like, twenty minutes. It's called "Bright". Thank you.'

Julie fell in with the piano, Luke realising with awe that he was now standing with her on stage, not looking from the crowd all baffled. This wasn’t like on the side of the road or quietly at four in the morning. To everyone, they were “Julie and Luke”. A team. A pair. 

Her verse began, every line with growing confidence. Luke smirked; he knew she would pick it up fast. He adjusted his fingers, ready to jump in. 

The version was, admittedly, not what Luke had ever intended for the song, but it _worked_. It was mfucking magic. Intimate, he found, the words harbouring another layer of meaning that wouldn't have reached the audience if it was drowned out by electric guitar and booming drums.

The chorus kicked in, Julie jumping up and grabbing the mic as she went, him upping the tempo of the strumming. They faced each other, matching energies and challenging each other to trump the other. 

He roared and sang and belted and strummed his fingers till they were red and raw and close to bleeding and Julie was right there with him, pushing him to go faster and reach greater heights and they were so _so so so_ bright. 

Suddenly, her mic caught his eye as she reached for him, him singing into hers. She was grinning so big and mouthing the words and it just made him wanna be better. His heart was exploding from his chest in pure ecstasy.

_This is it._

They went into the last chorus, jumping and kicking and singing and getting everyone from their seats. He added in an elaborate riff for good measure, Julie adlibbing as he went and it was so much fun. How fast they went from their lowest low to a newest high. 

_This is it._

_This is it._

_This is it._

How could he ever stop now that he knew what it felt like? How could he ever not sing with Julie anymore? How could he not tempt her into writing songs together? She was his musical equal. Their heavy breaths mingled with the dissipating tones of the strings, staring at each other as if they blacked out and only now realised what they’ve done. 

Julie let out a laugh and the crowd came alive. Cheering, whistling, wilder than after Julie’s solo. Someone yelled for an encore, making him grin with pride. Hell yeah, that was more like it! 

Luke shifted his guitar to his side and took her hand. They bowed, relishing the praise. It thundered through bone and marrow. He never wanted it to stop. 

Eventually, they managed to snap out of it and descend the stage back to normalcy, her hand still gripped in his. His head was throbbing and let himself imagine for a moment what it would be like if they did this every night: stopping in every city they went through and playing in pubs and cafes and parks and do that, forever. But then someone tapped him on the shoulder and the moment evaporated like smoke. 

‘Hey, you guys were amazing!’, a man said. He was a little taller than Luke, with a deep skin tone and even deeper brown eyes, hair in mess of twists. He looked cool. 

Luke grinned. ‘Thanks, dude.’ 

‘Yes, thank you,’ Julie added, glowing. She downed her glass of water. 

‘Okay if I sit?’

‘Sure,’ Luke said. 

They found out his name was Raoul and that he had a lot of musician friends himself. That he was in his senior year of college studying audio engineering. Luke decided he liked him when he shared his beer with him. 

‘Yeah, I’m definitely driving tonight,’ Julie quipped, tapping against the glass. 

‘One sip won’t-’

‘Don’t even try.’

‘Alright.’

Raoul laughed. ‘Where are you heading?’ 

‘Maine,’ she said. 

His jaw fell slack with surprise, making Luke edge towards her. Then, it morphed into excitement as Raoul said: ‘You passing through Ohio?' 

Julie tucked her chin. 'Uh, yeah?' 

'Okay, that’s amazing,’ he breathed. Was that… relief? Luke wasn’t sure what was happening. ‘I know this is weird, but can I get a ride? Kinda got stranded here.'

Her brows furrowed. ‘You got… stranded? In _Springfield_?’

‘Weird, right? My boyfriend was supposed to be my ride back but then he broke up with me.’ Raoul shrugged, as if to say _c’est la vie_ , and waited for their response in hopeful suspense. Luke glanced at Julie, who was biting her lip with apprehension. 

‘Can you give us a minute?’, Luke said. 

‘Yeah, sure!’ Raoul raised his hands and stood up. ‘Take all the time you need.’ Then left to go to the toilet. 

He turned towards her. ‘What’re you thinking?’

‘It’s your car.’

‘And you’re sitting in it as well.’

Julie paused. ‘He seems nice. I don’t get weird vibes from him. I don’t know if I entirely believe the boyfriend story though, but you didn’t know anything about me either.’ 

_Yes, but he’s not you._ ‘I think we should go for it. And the second any of us get a weird feeling, we’ll just kick him out.’

‘And it’s only seven hours,’ Julie added, less tense than before. That was true. Since they relaxed the entire day, they could realistically drive throughout the night and be in Ohio by morning. And what was life without another surprising turn of adventure? 

Raoul came back from the bathroom, Luke nodding at him. 

‘You decided?’

‘Welcome to the hitchhikers!’ Luke exclaimed. 

‘I’m basically using him,’ Julie teased, mock-whispering. Raoul laughed at her antics as Luke nudged her. 

‘ _Please_.’

‘Face the facts, Luke.’ 

He scoffed. ‘As if you don’t love me.’

She crossed her arms. ‘I don’t. I _tolerate_ you.’

‘Sure.’

‘It’s true.’

‘Oh yeah?’

‘Mh-hm.’

‘If I recall correctly, you called me cute.’

‘I called your _hair_ cute. And I think I said that to get a ride.’ She leaned forward. ‘And I think it worked.’ Alright, Jules. Checkmate. For now. 

They grinned, aching the muscles in his cheeks. He looked away first. _The sun, the sun, the sun._

Raoul seemed confused, but said nothing. ‘Okay. Uh. So what’s the plan?’

Unaffected, Julie said: ‘We slept during the day so we’re gonna drive tonight. You have the backseat to yourself.’

‘Thank you so much,’ he breathed, the same glint in his eye Julie had when she asked him in Arizona. _Finally_ , it said, _an escape_. Maybe the boyfriend story was true after all. Or maybe it was just one piece of a shitty puzzle. It wasn’t his business. If Julie and Luke could unprompted drop out of their last months of high school, then this dude could drive with them without judgement.

They left The Pit, Luke in front as Julie and Raoul had a comfortable back and forth behind, him lamenting about his terrible boyfriend (Like, really terrible. As in verbally abusive asshollery level of terrible.) and her recounting their journey so far (leaving out the details that they were likely blacklisted by the Texan police… oops). She also added that their parents didn’t know and Luke almost whipped around and slapped his hand on her mouth because _stop! What if Raoul was more sensible than they considered?!_

‘Your parents aren’t worried? They haven’t tried calling you?’, Raoul asked. 

‘I, uh, I deleted all my contacts, actually,’ Julie sheepishly admitted and then Luke did whip around, surprised. He didn’t know that. 

‘You did?!’, Luke exclaimed.

‘By deleting them, they can’t track me.’ Julie seemed like a whole other person all of a sudden. The only thing she needed was a gun and a cigarette and she could pretend to be Bonnie in search for vengeance and Clyde. ‘I’m on Instagram every few days so Flynn can see I’m liking her stuff and that I’m, you know, alive - but that’s it. You still have your contacts?’

They arrived at the car park, her paying the machine as she had some change and then taking the elevator up to the roof. It was cramped, but Luke saw it as rehearsal for later when the three of them cramped in his car. 

Luke puffed. ‘Duh, yeah. The boys would die if I didn’t text them sometimes.’

Julie frowned. ‘What about your-’

‘Can we not…?’ He unlocked the car. 

‘Okay. Yeah.’ She raised her hands. ‘Sorry.’

‘It’s fine.’

They shared a smile of understanding. Julie understood Luke and Luke understood Julie and those new boundaries didn’t hurt and settled a calmness between them. There were no more truths to uncover.

They cleaned up the car as Raoul smoked a cigarette, white smoke pluming in the night sky. Pushed everything to the trunk, wiped the crumbs from the backseat couches, replaced the air freshener with one they bought in New Mexico. The car has never been so clean. Julie must’ve had the same thought, a teasing grin catching his eye with him tugging at her t-shirt in retaliation. 

‘You can get in, Raoul,’ Julie said.

Luke sat down in the passenger seat, Julie in the driver’s and both having to readjust a lot. Julie basically flew forward and Luke backwards. She huffed. 

‘Short!’, Luke teased. 

‘Closer to hell, right?’, Julie bit back. _Oof_. She was on a roll today. 

Raoul perked up from the back. ‘Is the, uh, flirting gonna be happening all night?’ 

‘What?!’, they exclaimed simultaneously. Zoé, the witch, Josh, Dash, Raoul - who was next? 

Julie laughed. ‘We’re not flirting.’ She turned the ignition on, slowly rolling out the lot and illuminated by the streetlights, Luke swore he saw a hint of pink on her cheeks. He tried to not linger on it; there was nothing to linger _on_. Why did he even entertain the idea Julie might be feeling something? These people’s assumptions were really getting to him. 

The man blinked. Once. Twice. ‘Okay.’ And then fell back in his seat. Luke swallowed hard. His breath had been stuck in his chest. Why was he so tense? _Jeez_ , who was he? A twelve year old dweeb getting flustered at the mention of a girl? Julie has essentially become a second Alex or Reggie; there was no difference. 

It felt like a lie. 

‘So, Raoul, what’s Ohio like?’ Julie swiftly switched the subject, leaving Luke to mull on the incessant resounding _lie_ drilled in his head.

He wasn’t lying. Alex and Reggie meant the world to Luke. They were his brothers, his family, the reason he was still going and trying and trying again. The boys and him were connected. Julie was no better or worse than that. And yet and yet _and yet_ that whole fucking thing with sun and that she was the sun and that he felt on fire when she looked at him and just now - just now, in the bar, when they were bantering and a smile was glued to his face and he didn’t want to stop. Because was this what true, unconditional, endless friendship supposed to feel like? It was as if the ties that were severed before got thicker, for once a scar not harmful but helpful. 

Her crystal laugh brought him out of his reverie, eyes snapping to her blissful face, head thrown back at something Raoul said. 

‘No way! Are you serious?!’, she giggled. 

Raoul chuckled. ‘Yeah! There’s more cattle than people where I live!’

‘Oh my God!’

The night went on with waves of bright chatter and lulls of silence. Around midnight, Luke placed their Velvet Underground CD in the stereo on low volume to accompany Julie on her long drive. If Raoul and him were to fall asleep, she wouldn’t be entirely alone. They hummed the lyrics under their breath. 

It was one AM when Raoul asked: ‘What does music mean to you?’

‘Who’re you asking?’, Luke replied. 

He blew a raspberry. ‘Doesn’t matter.’ 

‘You go first,’ Julie said. Her glasses were on, a sight he didn't often see. 

‘Okay,’ Luke muttered, pensive. ‘I guess, uh, it means life. Music is life. It’s fucking dumb but I think that’s the best way to explain it. Like, we’re all living and music connects us all. Like in the bar tonight? That was something we all experienced and we didn’t know any of these people. They didn't know us. And we all let it happen to us. It’s life.’

‘Music _is_ the start of time,’ Julie winked. 

He laughed. ‘Yeah. We keep having the same conversations, huh?’

‘What else is there to talk about?’ She tutted her lips. ‘Music is a conversation to me. It’s therapy. It’s painful. It’s drugs. It’s love. It’s the best thing to ever happen.’ She turned the volume up, Lou Reed crooning. ‘Like - uh, what did Bob Dylan say? - “I sing by night, wander by day”. Bob Dylan said that. Music feels like the night, it’s Lou talking to us about love and we’re gonna talk about that.’ 

She glanced at Luke and then at Raoul through the mirror and she grimaced. ‘Does that make sense?’ 

‘Yes!’, Raoul sprung in before he could. ‘Yes, it makes sense. Didn’t expect it is all.’ His head appeared between the seats. ‘I’m, uh, writing a thesis about the effects of music on the human psyche and this is really interesting. I was interviewing people that weren’t actively involved with music - another reason why I was in Springfield - but maybe I should start interviewing artists as well. Thank you.’

‘Oh,’ she mumbled. ‘No problem.’

Luke wordlessly replaced the CD with one of Bob Dylan and earned a grin from Jules. _Music is a conversation._ He never thought of it like that. It was much gentler than his “now or never” ideology. It did feel like that, when they were on stage and she tilted her microphone his way as if she wanted him to share his thoughts, to share the moment _with her_. There was no reason to bust doors or scream louder than another or ambush a place - she allowed him to be with her. It made him wonder, once again, how he’d go further. When he got to New York and had to decide what the future held for him. How could he do the exact same thing he used to do with Sunset Curve (bust doors, scream loud, ambush) when he knew how different it could be? 

(He had to keep lying to himself.) 

  
It was probably somewhere between two and three in the morning when his head lolled back at the sound of Julie and Raoul’s whispers and the soft hum of the radio. He used Kate’s pink sweater as a blanket. It was warm. In a car with two strangers of which one wasn’t a stranger, he felt warm. _Don’t fall asleep be with them don’t fall asleep cherish this it’ll be over soon don’t fall asleep don’t have asleep stay with her hear her soft laugh don’t fall asleep you won’t hear it for long don’t fall asleep listen to the music have a conversation don’t fall asleep don’t fall asleep. Don’t fall asleep. Don’t fall asleep._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sorry i live for angst i think the 19k break-up story i wrote wasn't enough. also say hello to raoul!


	8. i get so lost inside your eyes (would you believe it?)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title: adore you // harry styles

**THE SMELLY ROADS OF OHIO... LIKE _FUCK_ , DUDE**

It was still dark out when he woke up. Dusk, muddy colours of blue and grey. It was completely silent, safe for the buzz of the car and trucks passing by. The roads were wet. It was as dreary as the days before, but at least him and Jules weren’t screaming their lungs out at each other. 

Jules. 

Her eyes were trained on the road, smaller from sleepiness and cheeks flushed from the blazing heat wafting through the AC. Somehow, she had gotten a Red Bull from the glove compartment (Did she? Completely snap herself in half to get one? The fuck?) and was taking small sips, one hand on the wheel. Behind him, he heard soft snores. Oh man, how long did Julie drive alone? He wasn’t questioning she was competent enough, but driving alone sucked  _ ass _ . Legitimately the sole reason how she got in his car in the first place.

For a while, he watched her. How she wiped under her eye and pushed her hair back and scratched her chin and yawned and tapped aimlessly on the wheel. How she randomly hummed melodies under her breath or bopped her head to a beat only known to her. 

It’s been two weeks now. He has known Julie No Surname for that long. As the morning was approaching, he knew they were in Ohio, which meant that after they dropped Raoul off, Julie and him would eat breakfast, stretch their legs and then switch places for one final drive to New York. Where Julie would say her goodbye and find her way to Maine. Where he would have to say goodbye and hate it. It felt like he was running out of time, but what else was left to do? She knew more about him than anyone else. They were repeating topics, they’ve sung, they’ve laughed, they’ve cried. It was done. He didn’t fault himself for being emotional about that, but he hated how helpless he felt over the fact that he would never know her last name. 

Julie caught his eye. A smile pulled on her lips as she placed the drink in the cupholder. 

‘Hi,’ she whispered. 

‘Hey.’

A beat. His stomach twisted, him sitting up straight to ease the tension. 

‘We’re in Ohio.’

He nodded. ‘Sweet. Are you tired?’

‘Yeah, but,’ she glanced at Raoul, ‘I’ll just keep driving till we’re in Massillon.’ 

‘You sure?’

Her smile widened, puffy eyes crinkling. ‘Yes, Luke. I’m sure.’ 

Another beat. The tension in his chest hasn’t eased. He couldn’t look away. 

‘Did you sleep well?’ 

‘Uh… yeah.’ Luke averted his gaze. Could Raoul wake up? Julie didn’t seem as bothered as he was though, turning back to the road and recounting the stories Raoul shared throughout the night. Apparently, she’d only been driving alone for about two hours. Raoul seemed to be a night owl just like him. It was about his thesis and all the gossip at the Ohio State University and hookup culture and more about his ex and about his Congolese heritage.

Damn, Luke missed  _ a lot _ . It was nice however, simply listening to Julie talk. Voice low to keep Raoul from waking up and muffled laughs. It felt like they were in their own cocoon. As the morning progressed, he got rid of the pink hoodie and consequently, Julie slipped it on. It made him happy. He knew it was hers (or well: Kate’s), but he’d been hugging it the entire night and she had no qualms wearing it instantly after. It was weird. He didn't understand it. He presumed his brain was foggy still. 

Raoul woke up by eight in the morning, a loud, obnoxious yawn breaking the easy chatter. Julie jumped at the sudden sound.

Luke snickered, ‘Damn. Good morning, Raoul!’

‘Morning,’ he said, abashed. ‘Never slept this well on a couch.’

‘Pee break in like, ten minutes,’ Julie announced, noticing a gas station plaque on the side of the road. Luke sighed in relief as he shrugged his shoes on. His butt was starting to ache.

The station was a fairly large patch of ground, with a fleet of fast food joints, a supermarket, a barrack of toilets and showers, and a campsite. Julie unlocked the car and Raoul instantly fled the car, running to the toilets. Luke stood next to her, both cracking necks and joints. 

She dumped her head on his chest. ‘I’m so tired.’

He rolled his eyes. ‘Then let-’

‘No!’, she whined, ‘I’m driving till Massillon!’

‘Jules.’

‘Nope.’ She lifted her head and he balled his hands to resist pulling her back. ‘I’m going to the toilet. And then I’m driving again.’ And then she left, leaving Luke to decide what to do. 

He went to the supermarket first, filling a carton cup with watery coffee and wandering around the aisles looking at the funny sodas. The kombuchas were pretty weird today (Tajin Mango Cucumber? The fuck?), so he filled his arms with them. He dropped them in the passenger seat and went to the bathroom after. Raoul was sitting on the cleanest side of the row of sinks, scratching the gunk from his eyes and brushing his teeth. He peed and stood next to Raoul. Luke looked at him through the mirror. If someone told him he’d be housing two strangers in his car two weeks ago, he’d laugh. He’d  _ chortle _ . He was far too used to people like his parents judging him for his decisions to trust strangers like that. But then Julie and Raoul came around. And the stoners and the campers and Dash and Rowena. He couldn’t quite explain what changed - he was eighteen and confused. But he knew that once he went back to LA, Alex and Reg would feel a difference. That “unfinished business” hasn’t been solved yet, but it didn’t matter. This whole fucking journey has changed him. 

And it was about to end. Fucking hell.

‘What’re you thinking about?’, Raoul asked. Luke blinked and noticed how he kept the tap open. He closed it shut. 

Quick thinking, he said: ‘Uh. About the fact I’ve been living out of my car.’

‘Eh, don’t we all?’ Raoul smiled ruefully. 

Luke frowned. ‘Yeah?’

‘I mean, not  _ all _ ,’ he backtracked. ‘But a lot of us that don’t wanna live with our parents anymore just live in our car and couch-surf. What you and Julie are doing is not, like, new.’

‘Oh.’ He hasn’t thought of that. Who knew how many people at the bars they’ve visited weren’t just locals or travelling, but actually car-living or couch-surfing? How many people were in the exact situation as him? ‘Do you live with your parents?’

‘Yes, Massillon is my childhood town.’ He perked up. ‘You and Julie should stay over! As a thank you! My parents love making food for other people!’

Oof. The proposition tempted him. But didn’t Julie wanna get to Maine as fast as possible? Did they have time for another elongated stop? Then again: homemade food. His stomach grumbled. ‘You sure?’

‘Yeah! My mom always makes too much anyway and then you can take the leftovers with you.’

‘Okay,’ Luke smiled, ‘sure. Jules would like it.’

Raoul quirked a brow. ‘Jules, huh?’

‘It’s  _ just  _ a nickname.’ Luke pinched some water at him. 

‘Alright,’ he chuckled, raising his hands and hopping off the counter. ‘Just a vibe, man.’

‘Guys?!’ Julie’s voice rang from the entrance. ‘You ready?’

The boys shared a look of understanding and then Luke said: ‘Yeah! We’re coming.’

Julie was already back behind the wheel by the time they arrived, a steaming pile of croissants placed on the console and one of the kombuchas Luke bought in her hand. He climbed inside. She looked much more refreshed than before. 

‘I like the peach raspberry one,’ she said. 

‘Too scared to try mango cucumber?’, he teased. When she rolled her eyes, he added: ‘Raoul suggested something.’

Raoul recounted his idea with even more excitement, which was met with Julie’s doubt and “not wanting to be an inconvenience”. But when she glanced at Luke and he was pulling out the stops with full-on pleading puppy eyes, -  _ because homemade food _ \- she relented. 

‘Okay… I  _ am  _ very curious about momma Ngoy!’

The boys cheered and Julie sped off, crumbs of croissants sticking to their shirts and lips. 

After traffic being a bitch, they arrived in Massillon by noon. It was simple town, large enough to be considered one, but small enough to not drown in the copious buildings and overflowing people. Raoul lived on the outskirts of Massillon, but he promised they’d be able to fill time hanging around downtown. Apparently there was some interesting exhibit or something. 

Julie rolled onto the red gravel of an average, two-story brick home with a small porch and a garden overgrown by weeds and flowers. A lone black garden gnome stuck out from a bush. It was lived-in and Luke loved it already. She came to a stop. Raoul grinned excitedly. 

The three stepped outside, looking like a ragtag group of weirdos, Raoul standing in front of them. 

‘Alright I’m gonna get inside, you wait here, okay?’ He went inside, leaving them alone.

Julie pursed her lips. ‘I really hope we’re not intruding.’

‘C’mon, Raoul said it would be fine.’ 

‘The only people that can come around unannounced are Flynn and my aunt. Maybe they’re the same.’ Promptly, Julie stuck her finger out and wiped a crumb from his chin. He blinked.  _ The fuck? _ She saw his expression, hand falling slack. ‘Sorry, you had- I should’ve just told you.’

‘No, it’s fine,’ he replied, a puff of laughter coming after. Why was he so flustered about this? He took in how she was anticipating and smiling and breathing and it all became a bit much. Stepping back slightly, he felt like breathing again. 

‘And uh,’ he added, too loud, ‘Raoul was confident about it.’

‘Okay.’

Raoul came back out five minutes later, Julie and Luke already bored by then and playing Hot Hands, his red by being distracted by her laugh. Luke was hissing, cooling down his hand, when Raoul said it was okay for them to come in. They dragged everything inside and dumped in on the stone tiles of the hallway. The walls were beige and rich colours of brown and red. Cabinets were decorated to the brim with wooden and stone ornaments. Tapestries and masks hung from the wall. Aight. This was not your typical American household.  
They tentatively stepped inside the living room, holding one big couch, a La-Z-Boy, a tv and a large desk that had a desktop and a few desk chairs. Once more, the walls were covered with hangings. Soft, jazzy music was playing. 

An older man and woman, Raoul’s parents, stood on the side expectantly. With the more buoyant one being the man, he stepped forward first, a beam on his lips. 

‘Hello! I’m André!’ He held out his hand, shaking Luke and Julie’s excitedly. ‘We’re so happy you brought Raoul home.’

The woman seemed to melt as well, rolling her eyes good-naturedly. ‘We told him that boyfriend of his was up to go good. Hi, I’m Esther.’ 

They greeted the parents back, Luke instantly relaxing. These people were just as disarming as Raoul. 

‘I love your sweater,’ the mom said to Julie. 

‘Thanks,’ she grinned, ‘I got it from a friend.’

‘You seem absolutely bone tired though! Why don’t you take a shower and then Raoul will show you around town. Right,  _ mon fils _ ?’ 

Raoul threw his arm around her shoulders. ‘Oui, maman. Pas de stress.’ When he saw Luke’s confusion, he added: ‘I’m French. I didn’t tell you?  _ Ha _ . Surprise!’

Julie giggled and accepted his mom’s offer, letting the woman drag them upstairs to a bathroom; a freestanding, porcelain tub with shower head and a curtain separating it from the toilet.

‘Towels are underneath the sink. There’s also shampoo and conditioner for guests. Take all the time you need.’ And then she left them alone, soft rumbling and music heard from downstairs. 

Luke nodded at the tub. ‘You can go first if you want.’

‘You sure?’

‘Yeah, I’ll just wait in the hallway.’

Appreciatively, she patted his arm. ‘Thank you.’ 

Luke was alone again. In an entirely foreign place. Here he was, sitting on the wooden flooring of house from a dude he met less than twelve hours ago, with his parents he knew for less than five minutes that would, later today, cook for him and Julie out of the goodness from their heart - _ just cause _ . Maybe Raoul guilted them into it but that didn’t matter. It mattered because they did it anyway. The animosity that hung around strangers like dust in LA was nowhere to be seen. Raoul seemed surprised even when Julie and him deflected the idea at first. Luke knew he shouldn’t begin trusting random ass people now, but he should be more open to the possibility of it. That people could be good. Could mean well and want him to be well. Because  _ fuck  _ \- here he was. 

The shower went off and a newly clothed Julie with dripping hair appeared. She had a different pair of jeans on and a blue shirt and a fluffy jacket similar to the pink one but now in white with a zipper.  _ Huh _ . Girls really did have the same wardrobe. The grime from hours behind the wheel was gone. Luke probably looked worse; he didn’t really look in the mirror that morning. 

‘Your turn,’ she said. ‘I’ll wait.’

‘You don’t-’

‘I’ll wait.’ Her resolute tone made him surrender, a grin on his lips. He saluted at her and went inside. 

Fuck. He looked like a zombie. Somehow both ghastly pale and tanned and sunburned. The scruff on his face was getting annoying, he bemoaned. Leaned into his reflection, he pulled on the bags under his eyes.  _ Fucking hell _ , did Julie have to look at him like this for this long? Raoul was a hero.   
Luke stripped down and got under the shower, water still hot from Julie. He let out a content sigh, eyes closed in pleasure as his body got encased in hot steam and fragranced soap. He massaged his scalp with shampoo and accidentally lathered his body with the conditioner, but he felt like a new person. No lake or pissy gas station shower could do this well of a job. 

_ What comes next, what comes next, what comes next, game plan, game plan, game plan, what should I do, what happens to Julie, what comes next, what comes next, what comes next, all my misfortunes all my victories, what comes next, what comes next-  _

He finished off with cool water to clear his head. He didn’t know how long he’d been in there, but Julie wasn’t knocking on the door yet. He shaved his scruff, pulled on a hoodie and pants and opened the door. Julie sat, as promised, on the floor, a small jar with some sort of cream next to her. 

‘What’s that?’, he asked, sitting next to her.

‘I use it to treat my hair. My curls are in  _ need  _ of some love,’ she lamented, twisting her hair between her fingers and the cream. it seemed like a lot, Luke thought, but it must be routine for her. He just… well, he just washed it. Alex introduced him to conditioner like six months ago. For a while, he watched her treat her hair in silence. There was no need to speak. 

By the time they went back down, Raoul was washed and dressed as well. The smell of chicken wafted from the kitchen, but before Luke could follow it, Raoul grabbed him by the hood. Luke got behind the wheel with Raoul in the passenger seat and Julie in the back; it felt like a disjointed puzzle, but he couldn’t argue. Only Raoul knew the way.

Massillon was prettier than he thought. Old, brick industrial buildings mixed with Victorian townhouses and quaint family-owned business, diners littered on every streetcorner like those from paintings. It was lively, despite the hour. He brought them to one of the identical diners, one with blue leather couches like the one in Arizona, and ordered by numbers so that neither Julie or him knew what they were getting. He was dying by now. As Luke told the story of their names scratched in the wood, they got their meal: sweaty double cheeseburgers with pickles and lots of ketchup and sweet potato fries and it was fucking amazing. Julie didn’t like pickles so he picked them from her bun and she stole a couple of his fries. Raoul told them more childhood stories and how he and his schoolmates used to come here after every football and basketball game and how  _ awfully, incredibly  _ all-American this town was. With the cheerleader and jock getting together and marrying at twenty and living on the same street as their parents and grand-parents and grand-grand-parents and they all go to the same baker. Julie found it cute. “Isn’t it, like, nice? That some things never change?” she said. But Raoul disagreed. His plan was to move to a big city where everything always changed, to which Julie and him dismissed LA as the place to be. “Sacramento is pretty though,” Julie added to which Luke agreed. Sacramento  _ was  _ nice: lots of parks and good thrift stores. And then Luke told more about him and his life and then Julie did and all of sudden their food has gotten cold and they were huddled over their fries to share a secret. It was weird. Raoul was a friend now. Luke could call him up in two years and they’d be cool. He may even invite him to eat over again. 

Luke found everything pretty simple now. They weren’t friends, and now they were, and it seemed like that was the only way it was ever supposed to go. 

Raoul was abruptly reminded of the exhibit he told them about (Apparently? Luke must’ve been sleeping by then.) and asked for the bill. Luke wouldn’t have minded to keep talking, but Raoul promised they wouldn’t wanna miss it. Something about Van Gogh and projection mapping. Luke only understood one word. Julie seemed to recognise it though, eyes alight with glee and clapping her hands, rattling about how she has always wanted to go to one, but that she never had time and that Van Gogh was one of her mom’s favourites and- (and then Luke fazed out, too entranced by her empassioned speech and brightened face to care about the context). 

He drove them to a warehouse. A line of people was queuing outside. Julie was bouncing in the backseat. 

‘Aah!’, she squealed. ‘I’ve been literally dreaming of this  _ forever _ !’ 

‘Then it’s fated!’, Raoul clamored. ‘This is like the fifth time I’ve been here.’

Aight. Luke was intrigued. He wanted to know what the big deal was; if they could make still life paintings from a dude that cut his ear off interesting, than it must be cool. They got in line with the other people, all artsy types and obvious tourists. Julie kept gushing with Raoul behind him, winding him up to the point that he slammed his hands on the counter of the ticket clerk. 

‘Two high school tickets, one student ticket, please.’

He quirked a brow. ‘Student ID’s  _ please _ .’ 

They got in, Luke last, and he finally understood. 

The warehouse was entirely in the dark, paintings of Van Gogh projecting onto the walls and floors and stairs and ceiling. Encased in art. People sat on the floor in silence, heads craned back in wonder. His mouth fell agape, too stunned to make any comment and follow Raoul and Julie to an empty spot on the middle of the floor. He could hardly make out their faces, covered by shadow and paint. 

Awed, Luke wouldn’t allow himself to blink. The paintings melted into one another, drifted from one wall to another, shattered and fell and morphed into something new. Faces blended together, letters from Van Gogh himself being written on the floors as if it was happening right now, cherry blossoms getting caught in the wind and flying from trees. The floor turned liquid as the famous painting with the night sky blurred from the corners and engulfed the entire space. Beside him, Julie gasped. If he squinted hard enough, he’d see the glimmer in her eye, moisture building on the edges. She sniffled. 

Silently, he grabbed her hand. 

She squeezed back and leaned her head on his shoulder. 

‘I’m so happy,’ she whispered. 

‘It’s so beautiful,’ he said simultaneously. 

They chuckled. She didn’t lift her head. He didn’t ask her to.

The three stayed for an hour, sometimes standing up to sit somewhere else. Julie took a few pictures and selfies. When they went back out, it was deep into the afternoon. Luke drove back to the Ngoy household, the smell of bananas creeping from the front door. Bananas? What were they making? Julie raised a brow at him; she didn’t recognise it either. 

Loud, French chatter crashed down on them as they walked through the door. Different music was playing from the stereo. The smell of chicken and bananas and spices made his mouth water. If he thought the chicken from the campers was good, he was sorely mistaken. This would be the best dish of his life and he knew it. Raoul threw his jacket on the coat rack and yelled a string of indistinguishable words, walking to the kitchen. They yelled some words back. The light was orange and yellow and a stark difference to the bleak outside exterior. He and Julie shared a look and followed Raoul three steps behind. 

The kitchen table was lavishly decorated with a colourful tablecloth and fabric napkins, steaming bowls and plates of food in the center surrounded by candle lights. Esther threw her apron on the counter, letting her hair down. 

‘Hi! Was Raoul a good guide?’

‘Yes,’ Julie urged. ‘He was great. We went to the Van Gogh exhibit!’

‘Oh, I love the exhibit!’, André exclaimed, sitting down at the table. ‘The sunflowers are my favourite!’

‘We’re eating moambe. When we knew you’d be coming, we decided to treat you with a typical Congolese dish.’ Julie and Luke sat down, bewildered. ‘It’s chicken, rice, plantains, saka saka, pili-pili, a nut sauce, shredded coconut and lots of vegetables.’ Proud, Esther sat down at the head of the table and placed the napkin on her lap. ‘Enjoy!’

The two watched as the family took a little of everything, filling the entire plate, and mimicked them. André fell into conversation about his day at work and sharing inside jokes with Esther and Raoul talked more about Springfield and his thesis and then Esther denounced his ex as a person worth knowing and then they burst into a flood of French and Luke could just smile and eat. One, it was fucking delicious. Two, he has just really happy to be in a functioning family for once. No awkward silences, no icy stares, no loaded guns veiled as words. His bag wouldn’t be thrown on the front lawn. What a breath of fresh fucking air. Somehow, Julie nodded along to bits and pieces and André asked if she spoke French as well, to which she replied that her Spanish made her understand a little.

And then André began speaking Spanish and Julie glowed with joy. Suddenly, they were in their own bubble, babbling about whatever. 

‘André worked as a sociology professor in the nineties in Mexico,’ Esther supplied. 

Raoul rolled his eyes and added: ‘He likes to boast he knows four languages.’

_ ¿Él es tu novio? - ¡No! ¡Sólo somos amigos! - Yo no creo eso. Ambos son muy inteligentes. - Créame, él no me ve así. - ¿Has visto la forma en que te mira? ¡Estás mintiendo! _

What were they talking about? It was going too fast and Luke embarrassingly only knew English. He took one year of French in middle school and he failed  _ hard _ . 

_ Si no te besa, lo castigaré. ¡Lavando platos! - André, ¡por favor no lo hagas! _

Raoul’s lap buzzed, Esther slapped it. ‘No phones at the table!’

‘Maman! Lemme-’ He slapped her upcoming hand and unlocked his phone, excitement building on his face. ‘Luke? Julie? We’re going to a party tonight!’

Julie looked away from André, cheeks red. ‘What?’

‘Live music at my favourite pub. My friends are gonna be there, it’s gonna be fun!’

Esther frowned. ‘You just got home.’

‘Mom, I’ll be home all day tomorrow, I promise.’

‘I don’t know,’ Luke said. If it were just him, he’d party all night. But Julie wanted to get to Maine, right? They were already stalling by hanging around Ohio. He caught Julie’s gaze. ‘What’re you thinking?’

Julie shrugged, glancing at André. ‘I don’t know. A party sounds fun. Unless you want to get to New York by morning?’

‘No!’, he blurted. ‘No! I- Let’s party, Jules!’

‘Awesome,’ Raoul said, messaging his friends. ‘I’m gonna ask who’s performing.’

‘ _ Ooh _ !’, Julie exclaimed. ‘We should wear our Hawaiian shirts!’

And that was how Luke found him in a packed bar with a beer pushed in his hands and matching shirts with Julie who was swarmed by Raoul’s friends. At least he could find her easily that way. They were at the front of the bar, close to the stage. He has been in a lot of bars in the last couple of days and this one was by far the most energetic. Inspiration swirled in his mind at the mingling chatter and clinking glasses, songs whispering in his ear to be written. 

A folk band was preparing for their set. They looked familiar, with its bearded lead singer and female violinist, but Luke couldn’t quite place them. Julie grabbed onto his arm, her forehead already matted with sweat. 

‘Meet his friends!’

He met ginger-haired Sabrina, who gladly took the beer from his grip (fuck, it was bitter), and had the fairest skin he had ever seen. She studied the same major as Raoul and apparently dated the drummer of the band. Luke was just about to tell her about Sunset Curve and that Alex could probably drums circles around this dude - healthy competition, he  _ lived  _ for it - when the lead singer tapped on the mic. The crowd quieted down instantly, bartenders stopping their work. 

‘Hi,’ he murmured, ‘we’re Afterglow. It’s good to be back in our state. Marley even grew up here. So, uh, we thought it’d be appropriate to just play here like old times, no fucks given.’

The audience laughed. 

‘This is “You don’t like dancing” which is the incentive to get you to start dancing. I mean it!’

The crowd laughed once more, Luke taking a glance at Julie to find her already looking back, eyes glittering with excitement. She looked pretty tonight, Luke thought. The heinous purple shirt actually suited her. His focus was ripped from her as the eruption of an amped up guitar boomed in his ears. 

The music began full charge, the band bursting into an uplifting song that got everyone bouncing around. Before he could catch Julie, Sabrina snatched her away. Heat went up as all danced and wormed their way to the front. Drums kicked into overdrive, violin adapting to the funky riffs of the guitar and the warm scratch of the lead singer’s voice.

Luke grinned, head buzzing with glee as he joined the jumping groups of people. He knew no one, but for now, they were his buddies. As if a dude read his mind, a burly-looking guy that could’ve been Emmett’s clone, he grabbed Luke by the shoulder with the rest of his friends and jumped around from left to right. Beer sprung from glasses and landed in his hair and stuck to his skin but he didn’t care. 

He was finally at a concert again! The thrill! The excitement! The possibility of the doing the unknown! The fucking bass of the music reverbrating in his chest that broke ribs and mended hearts and made him forget all the fuckery. Playing music was one thing, but  _ living through it _ ? Magic. 

He was ripped from the group of dudes into the arms of a random girl who began doing an elaborate folk dance with him, arms twisting over and around him. His heartbeat was palpable, sweat dripping down his back. (A polyester Hawaiian shirt did not help in the slightest.) Luke twirled her under his arm and then she did the same and they kept turning and turning and turning until he was so dizzy he could puke. He apologised cheekily to the girl, eyes crossed, and she laughed in response, vanishing into the crowd. He stumbled to the side of the bar - nearly dragged into a mosh pit - and held on to the wall. Luke blinked. Damn. How long has he been dancing? 

And then struck the electric hammer.

It was inevitable really, when he thought about it more later. It was expected. Because how much longer could he lie to himself before it became ridiculous? How much longer could he dismiss the knowing gazes of every person they’ve encountered? 

It was  _ really, quite, very obviously _ inevitable that the moment his eyes found Julie, everything just… stopped. Hammer to the heart - boom! Dead. 

There she was, dancing with Sabrina with no way knowing where ones arms ended and where the other began. Her hair was free, curls flying around her like a halo in the purple and yellow lights flitting across the room. Her smile broke every line in her face, eyes closed with bliss and giggles he couldn’t hear coming from her lips. Luke was mesmerised. 

Was he allowed to look at her? When she was so beautiful? She seemed untouchable, someone not for his callous fingers.   
He was- she was- he couldn’t- - - (there was nothing. There was nothing but his slack jaw and stammering heart and Julie dancing like a vision from a daydream.) 

She caught his gaze, recharging everything inside of him and swallowing down the overflowing emotions. Her laugh turned into a smirk, a wink send his way and he rolled his eyes in a poor attempt to mask it all. 

But then she pushed her way towards him and before he knew it she stood in front of him, chest to chest, grinning and he grinned back because how could he not? He let her grab his hand and be part of the throng again. He danced with Julie like he did with the previous girl, but more deliberate this time. He held her closer for a second longer and cherished her laugh a little longer and when she slung her arms around his neck, he pressed his forehead against hers. 

There was no pain now. No trauma to unfold. It was just  _ them _ . So goddamn happy.

The uptempo song faded into a melodious piano interlude, all other instruments falling away. He felt her arms still around his neck, yet she didn’t move away. Luke held his breath. 

Slowly, her face slipped to his chest. He knew she’d hear his erratic heart. He didn’t mind. 

‘Is this okay?’, she whispered. 

‘Yeah,’ he replied, closing his eyes and placing his head on top of hers. In any different situation, he would’ve laughed at how absurdly short she was (to which she would slap his arm and say she was a full 5’4  _ and a half _ ), but this was now. Now. Only now. Only this  _ one singular now _ that he would never have back. 

It awfully felt like a goodbye. It awfully felt like he was touching her curls for the last time and feel her skin against his and that it was the  _ end _ . 

The song was over sooner than he wanted it to be, the singer making a quippy joke that he didn’t hear and reluctantly let go of Julie. The band fell back into its regular, upbeat music, but Luke wasn’t bouncing along anymore. He was still happy. He was still smiling.

But the ache of loss. Lingering, in the distance. 

If only he had stopped lying to himself sooner.    


They stumbled back to Raoul’s home somewhere after midnight. The music was ringing in his ears. The man shushed them as they got in and threw his hand over his shoulder to the kitchen. Luke felt gross and sticky and depleted and dumbly following a drunk Raoul. Julie tiptoed behind him.   
A creaky pantry closet opened, Raoul flicking the bare light bulb on. 

‘They thought you’d leave after the party,’ he whispered, shameful, ‘so you gotta sleep here and leave as early as possible. They’d kill me if they knew they weren’t the “perfect” hosts. Sorry.’

‘It’s okay,’ Julie whispered back. 

Grateful, he smiled. ‘I’ll come back with some blankets. Wait here.’ 

Neither said anything when he left, Julie having her eyes closed as she leaned against the door frame. Luke knew he’d have a terrible headache tomorrow. 

Raoul came back and gave them a handful of thin blankets with the instruction to make a mattress and comforter. Right. Drunk guy bullshit. He apologised he wasn’t able to give more, but Julie thanked him regardless. Luke stared at her. Tonight had been... interesting.

He had no idea what was happening. Or what he was doing. He was only eighteen. So was she. But it felt  _ right _ . From the unstoppable feeling he got having her in his arms to their sweaty foreheads pressed together, hidden by hair and smiles. Pulled at the seams, he was left with nothing more but adoration and golden light for the girl next to him. 

And now they were here. In Raoul’s parents’ storage closet. 

Julie bid the Raoul goodnight and wordlessly began layering the blankets. He could only stare. 

She looked up. 'You okay?'

'I- Yeah.' He scratched the back of his head. 'Yeah, I'm good.'

She stood up with a frown, taking two strides forward and suddenly there was no distance left. She placed her hand on his forehead. 'Are you sure? You're red and heating up.'

He gently pushed her hand away. 'I'm fine, Jules. Just tired.'

'Luke admits he’s  _ tired _ ,’ she smirked. 'I thought I'd never see the day.'

They fell back into silence, comfortable this time. Shrugged off their shoes and sweaty Hawaiian shirts, leaving them in jeans and tanks. The light went out again - a single stream of moonlight pouring from the small window - and both settled on the ground. Yes:  _ ground _ . Those blankets did shit. He could stretch his legs though; at least that was an upgrade. 

Julie turned on her side, noses facing. His eyes widened at the closeness, very aware of  _ her _ . The rise and fall of her chest, the fuzzy hairs on her face, the mascara clumps in her eyelashes. He only had to lift his hand and he would touch her. Only had to lean in and kiss her. 

He gulped. 

'I had fun today,' she whispered. He felt her breath on his cheek. 

He exhaled. 'Me too.'

She smiled, eyes flitting across his face. He was already feeling an ache in his neck; he was debating laying on his back and compromise for a patch of cold floor. Then again, he didn’t want to stop talking. 

'Top three,' she said. 

‘Of today?’

‘Of everything.’

' _ Ooh _ ,' he mused and then laid on his back anyway, ache easing and his side pressed against her. 'Getting a tattoo, eating dinner with Raoul's family, and...' green found brown, thunder caved in, 'dancing with you.'

Julie flushed. ' Oh .'

'Yeah…’

'I liked that too.'

He smiled, unabashed on display. 

'You're pretty clumsy though,' she teased, reminding him of the moment he accidentally stepped on her foot and she laughed as he waved it away with embarrassment red on his ears. 

He wanted to rebut with some snarky remark, but she was too close. He'd do something stupid. Like kiss her. He let out a breathy laugh instead, shaking his head.  _ Fuck _ . This fucking floor. His body was gonna be murdered by morning.

'You look like you're in pain.'

Defeated, he groaned and let his hand fall against the cold floor. It smelled like canned tuna. Luke cringed. 'I thought you wouldn't notice.'

She giggled, muffling it with her fingers. 'It's pretty obvious. Just lay on your side.'

'That  _ hurts _ . On my back is better.’ He puffed. ‘Raoul gave us small ass blankets.'

She slapped his chest. 'Raoul is an angel. You could learn from him.'

'I am an angel!', he exclaimed, faux-offended.

'Right.'

'Jules.'

'Sure. I believe you.'

'I hate you.'

'Nah,' she grinned and something snapped. A taut string cut loose and the ground disappeared from underneath him, falling headfirst into her glimmering brown eyes. His breath hitched. 'You love me.'

If he realised it at the bar, he could now put it into words. And she just spelled it out. 

When he didn't reply, because  _ holy shit _ , her expression twisted into one of sympathy. 'You lay on your back, I'll sleep on the ground. I'll be out in like five minutes anyway.'

'No, no, no!' Luke couldn't let the girl he was revelling over sleep on the smelly floor! That was the exact opposite of what he wanted her to do! 

Her brows raised. ‘No?’

'Uh- what if-' Fucking hell, he could at least  _ try  _ to act cool about this! He has shared a bed with a girl before. Just calm down. 'What if... I hold you?' The second he said it he wanted to die. Better in tuna-hell than live on this earth where he just said that.

But then she replied. Softly. ' _ Okay _ .'

His heart dropped to his stomach. She looked back, a hint of anxiousness in her earnest expression. She was in the same boat as he was. Flailing. 

'Sure,’ she added, ‘I bet you're softer than the ground anyway.' Julie cringed the instant it left her mouth. He chuckled. 'Forget I said that.'

'I will never forget you called me  _ fudge _ , Jules,' he whispered, teeth blinking at her in mockery. She rolled her eyes and fell back into silence. 

He bit his lip, awkwardness creeping in. How should he...? Even if he shared a bed with a girl before, this was  _ Julie _ . It was different. She wasn't Rachel. She didn’t write "Emily" with him. She didn't know his pet peeves or his favourite CD or made his heart hammer the way it did now. Rachel was hardly a memory. But Julie… 

Eventually, he turned his brain off and slipped his arm around her shoulder. She fell into motion as well, tentatively placing her head on his chest. It felt even better than at the pub. Did she hear his heartbeat now too? Or was hers also beating so loudly she couldn't make the distinction? Her hand laid next to her, also on his chest, and it  _ burned _ . This feeling was insane. A part of him wanted to push her away, say it was a mistake and sleep on the curb.  _ Luke didn't do love.  _ He chose his own destiny, busted doors to create his own path - to be in control. This wasn't supposed to happen. Julie wasn't supposed to be breaking down windows next to him. 

Another part of him told him to to take a chance. And that was what he did. Luke embraced the loss of control and held her close and sighed, content. 

What a sweet loss it was to be in love with Julie. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> spanish speaking people please don't kill me if the sentences were wrong I TRIED


	9. nobody knows how to say goodbye (it seems so easy 'til you try)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title: nobody knows // the lumineers

**AS REGGIE WOULD SAY: THE FINAL COUNTDOWN!! … AKA DRIVING TO NEW YORK**

Luke wondered if he should tell her. 

After sneaking out of the house at five in the morning and  _ pushing  _ the car from the front lawn to prevent the parents from waking up (yeah - Raoul owed them for this), they got on the road, out of Massillon and into outskirts of Ohio. They’d be passing through Pennsylvania in a few hours. 

Like their first day on the road, her hand hung out the window, expression hazy. A soft Beatles track was playing. Every so often his eyes flit towards her, though nothing changed. Should he tell her? Luke was horrible at keeping secrets and now that he knew how he felt about her, he was tempted to just spit it out. Impulsivity usually worked in his favour, but he suspected it wouldn’t be as simple this time. While he knew Julie  _ cared  _ for him, he had no fucking clue if it was anything more than that. Julie was the literal definition of “empathy”. Her being kind to him was the same as her being kind to Raoul. He wouldn’t put it past her to playfully nudge his shoulder after a genuine confession on his part and say something like “Aw, I like you too, my good friend.” (Aight, maybe not with  _ these  _ words, but he was freaking out!)

There was also the whole thing of her going to Maine - the  _ entire point _ of her being in his car right now - and him respecting that decision. 

Luke was fucked. 

But should he tell her? 

He remembered the way they woke up that morning. A splash of sun stirred him awake. His body was hurting and there was an ache pounding at the back of his head, but then he opened his eyes and looked straight into the serene, sleeping face of Julie and all of that pain melted away. He had dreamt about sleeping in a bed with her that night, though this might be even better.  
Her head was still on his chest, one leg slung over his and fingers gripping his shirt. She fit so perfectly around him, so relaxed, it urged him to caress her cheeks with the pads of his thumbs. Luke revelled in how soft her skin was. Adored the way a smile tugged on her lips and pushed her face deeper into his shirt. He could lay here for hours. 

He kept the circling motion going, trailing from her cheeks to her shoulder and jaw - when her eyes fluttered open, blown out irises staring straight into his. Luke halted, leaving his hand on hers. They didn’t say anything for awhile. Breathing, waking up, slowly finding the courage again to weave a finger through her curls and twist them around like she did yesterday.

‘How late is it?’, she whispered. 

He craned his neck for a phone, finding one behind her and pulling her even closer by grabbing it. Their thin blanket fell off, exposing them to the cold air. She sputtered a laugh, slapping his chest and mumbling a “can’t breathe” when he saw the time. Four thirty. Best nap of his life.

He muttered the digits, falling back on his side with a huff. 

‘I’m gonna go to a doctor that can crack your bones,’ he said. 

‘Chiropractor,’ Julie supplied. 

‘Yeah. That.’

And then Julie loosened her grip on him and got up, muttering to herself in Spanish as he laid staring at the ceiling, wondering how it was possible he went from cuddling with Julie to figuring out the road in his head. 

‘What’re you thinking about?’, she asked, Luke snapping out of his daydream. Right.  _ Focusing _ . As he should be doing. Right.

He shrugged, pushing the panic down and switching into another lane. ‘Nothing. Last night was fun.’

‘Yeah,’ she smiled, ‘it was.’

Should he say it? Risk it? Instead, he said: ‘What are your, uh, plans in Maine?’

Her mood became sullen, hand dropping back inside and rolling the window up. It surprised him. He expected her to be excited, tuck her feet under her legs and go over her itinerary - not act like he just told her his imaginary cat died. 

‘Right. Maine.’ She brushed her hair back. ‘I found out from my mom’s diary where she used to live - like, her exact address - and it could be some family members I haven’t met yet still live there.’ The smile he was waiting for built on her lips. ‘She was so descriptive. All her favourite spots, what her bedroom looked like, …’ 

He grabbed her hand because he couldn’t help himself and smiled at her, because he has reached a point where her happiness made him so  _ content  _ and he didn’t care about the ache. Yeah, he shouldn’t tell her. Because what if she did care more than she let on? What if she  _ did  _ feel the same giddiness when waking up and looking into his eyes? How ridiculous would that be: confessing to their feelings and then speeding off, never seeing each other again. He’d continue to play music across America and she’d study costume design or play her own stuff and that would be the end of it. He should just remain  _ content _ . That was safe. 

‘What are your plans for New York? Have you figured that out?’

Ha. As if Luke ever figured something out. ‘Nah,’ he snorted, ‘I’m just… I don’t know. I’m gonna work in a hostel or something and play at bars and hopefully get some money out of it.’

‘Sounds like a solid Luke plan to me,’ Julie teased. 

‘Yeah…’, he trailed, ‘I’ll make it work.’ He shifted and felt her gaze on his temple. His odd behaviour did not go unnoticed, Luke guessed.

‘Are you sure you’re okay?’ She squeezed his hand. ‘You’ve been acting  _ really  _ off.’

‘It’s been a long couple of days,’ he bluffed and placed both hands back on the wheel.  _ Just act normal _ he thought. ‘Hey, lemme try the mango cucumber kombucha.’

Julie laughed, previous tension vanishing, and passed him the bottle. ‘You’re gonna die.’

‘Eh. Lived a long, glorious eighteen years.’

‘Adiós!’

Luke took a big gulp and instantly regretted it, rolling down his window and spitting it out like a fountain. Julie screamed in surprise. What the  _ fuck  _ was that flavour?! He was never touching anything with the word “tajin” ever again. Aight, this definitely got him out of his funk. But then he gagged. 

‘Oh my God, I’m gonna puke,’ he choked. 

‘Don’t!’

‘Jules-’

‘I swear to God if you’re gonna puke-’

‘Bro, I-’

‘Please don’t puke.’

Luke hung his head out the window for a second and breathed deeply. Kombucha’s were blacklisted from now on. Fuck that. He rolled the window back up. 

‘I’m traumatised.’

‘I drank it!’, he sputtered. 

‘You are unbelievable.’

* * * 

The sun was high in sky when they stopped for lunch, sitting on the curb of a gas station looking as cars came and went. It was chillier today, so Julie had grabbed the first thing from the backseat and for a hot minute he was completely stupified seeing her drowning in his red long sleeve henley. Of all the times Julie could be borrowing his clothes, it had to be when he realised his feelings for her. It was like she knew and  _ wanted  _ to torture him. To distract himself, he gorged down his sandwich and babbled on about all the songs that have been  _ begging  _ to be written and not _ think look fantasise _ about Julie in his clothes.

Luke was pondering loudly about a certain lyric when she cut him off. 

‘Do you think we would’ve been friends?’

He backtracked. Where did this come from? ‘What’d you mean?’

‘In high school.’ She bit her cheek. ‘Do you think we would’ve, you know, talked?’

‘Yeah,’ he quipped. ‘I bet you would’ve followed the sweet sound of my guitar straight into the music room.’

She crossed her arms, amused. ‘So you’re a siren now?’

‘I don’t know what that is, but sure!’ Luke grinned, yet she was staring into the distance. Was he not getting the point? ‘Uh, why?’ 

‘I’ve just been thinking that, like, I… I  _ really  _ care about you and how we met was completely coincidental, so…’ Julie shrugged, seemingly lost in her own train of thought. ‘I don’t know. I’m thinking like: what if we crossed each other before and didn’t realise it? What if I saw you busking on the street and didn’t think twice?’

‘I don’t know, Jules, I don’t really think about “what if’s”. But I think we would’ve been friends. Power of music and friendship and all that.’

Julie scoffed. ‘The power of  _ friendship _ ?’

‘Hell yeah! The power of motherfucking friendship!’

Julie laughed at his antics, but he saw how it still bothered her. She wore her emotions on her sleeve. Luke felt a little helpless. Everything about today made him feel helpless. Everything was  _ off _ . He just wanted a do-over or something. (He let himself think about the “what if’s” in the car. A fantasy of playing with the boys and crossing eyes with her as she stood at the front of the stage and smiled in that way that drove him crazy. A fleeting thought of bumping into her at a record store in LA and sharing his favourites with a stranger. Or simply meeting at school. It was all sugary and fake, but for a moment, he let himself indulge.) 

She must’ve sensed his own musings, as it was quiet. They’ve been driving through Pennsylvania for a while now. One straight line to New York. The looming worry of “unfinished business” clouded his mind and he wanted to say so much, but he didn’t know what - or how. He felt it in his gut that Julie had to do with it, (why else did last night feel so earth-shattering for one split second?) but could his unfinished business really be something as silly as a  _ crush _ ?

‘Remember what Rowena said?’, he said. 

Julie jumped at the sudden sound. ‘Rowena? You mean about your unfinished business?’

‘Yeah. What do you think it meant?’

‘Wasn’t that for you to find out?’ She tried to make him laugh with a silly expression, but he could see her mind was elsewhere. 

‘Jules.’

‘I don’t know, Luke. Okay?’ Her tone was final. ‘Didn’t she say you had to be honest with yourself?’

‘I think you just made that up.’

‘Okay! Fine. I think you’re not being honest about your parents.’

His parents? What the hell did they have to do with anything? And why did she always bring it up?! They wrote “Emily” and more wasn’t needed.

Luke scowled. ‘What the hell are you talking about?’

‘I’m not trying to make you mad, but you brought up your “unfinished business” and this is what I think it is. It’s like you say so much and keep everything inside all at once.’ It was gentler now. It almost made him calm down. 

‘Oh…’

But then she said: ‘I think you should talk to your mom.’

‘Can we not talk about my mom!’, he yelled. 

‘Why?! Why can we not talk about your mom? After everything, I thought-!’ She huffed, taking a moment. ‘Are  _ you  _ gonna talk to your mom?’ 

He groaned. ‘What’s with all the questions today?!’

‘Because!’, she exclaimed, flailing her hands. ‘Because it’s our final day together and it’s fucking terrifying! Like, after this, this is all  _ done _ . So yeah, I do wanna know about your mom because I care! And I keep  _ babbling  _ because I’m so scared that what you said? That day? That that is true? That I’ll find nothing in Maine and that I’ll just have to… that I’ll have to find a new dream.’ 

His mouth fell slack, all the anger vanishing from his bloodstream. He didn’t know what to say. 

‘So?’, she added, erratic. ‘Are you gonna call your mom or not?’

‘I- Maybe! I don’t even know if they wanna hear for me.’ The hundreds of messages burned in his back pocket. It wasn’t enough for him. It didn’t prove they wanted him back. He didn’t know if he’d survive listening to one of the voicemails and hearing his dad yell at him again. He couldn’t. 

And fuck, why couldn’t they have just one, relaxed day? Why did every day feel like all or nothing? 

(Because of time, he realised. Just a few more hours with Julie. He was just as frightened as she was. Shit. Should he tell her?) 

Before she could rebut, he continued: ‘And Julie, even if you don’t find what you’re looking for, you’d still be alright.’

She looked down. ‘You don’t know that.’ 

‘I  _ do _ .’ And he knew that because Julie was beautiful and strong and the sun and the stars. She was thoughtful and emotional and dramatic and she listened and cried and shared her microphone and  _ always  _ knew what he was thinking and- and then everything flowed out all at once. 

‘Luke-’

‘Julie, you-’ He shook his head. ‘You are the fucking sun. I’m… I like you, like a lot and it’s scaring the shit out of me but that doesn’t matter cause I like you.’ He laughed despite his nerves, unable to look at her. There it was, out in the open. ‘I like you, Jules.’

It was silent from the other side of the console.  _ Fuck _ . He should’ve kept his mouth shut. They were just teasing and playing games and he fucked it up. Luke was ready to fling himself out of the car. He heard her gulp. 

‘If you weren’t driving I would kiss you right now,’ Julie muttered.

He froze, eyes flitting to her incredulous face. ‘Wow. Wait. For real?’

She puffed, looking as stunned as he did, and croaked: ‘Yeah.’

Luke swerved to the side of the road and stopped the car. He smirked. ‘Not driving anymore.’

And then he dove forwards, meeting her halfway as their lips touched and he cupped her jaw and she weaved her fingers through his hair. She tasted like sweet kombucha and touching her was like heaven on earth. A hand gripped his shoulder as she leaned closer. She was all-encompassing and he was so gloriously overwhelmed and he loved every second of it, because nothing - not even music - was as close to the exhilaration he felt kissing Julie. Luke grinned, kissing her again and again and again and again and again and- 

But then she accidentally jabbed the console and yelped, biting his lip in the process. He groaned, pulling back.

Julie gasped, hands across her mouth. ‘I’m so sorry!’

‘It’s fine,’ he chuckled. 

They stared at each other, perplexed at what had just transpired. Luke adored the way her lips and cheeks were flushed. She always became more beautiful than the moment before. Oh man, he was  _ gone _ . 

‘Can we…’, he breathed, trying to keep the eager tone out of his voice, ‘try that again?’

She matched his bemused expression and nodded, grin building as she leaned in and kissed him again, slowly this time. He relished the buzz of warmth spreading from his chest to the crown of his head, pulling her closer. It was like he was finally coming home - his home, her home, their home - and settled his bag down and thought  _ oh _ . 

_ Oh _ .

_ Oh _ , she was home. 

Her eyes fluttered open, green crossing brown with the same thrill that he felt back at the bar. Before she could say anything, he shrugged his seatbelt off. 

‘Wait, I gotta-’ And then he opened the car and went to the other side, unlocking hers and pulling her flush into his chest, hugging her tight. Cars raced by honking, but he didn’t care. It felt so  _ good _ , the way she fit into his arms. The way he could weave his fingers through her curls and let the tips caress the nape of her neck. The exhale leaving his body like climbing to the top of a tree and thinking  _ this is it _ . 

He sighed.  _ Oh _ . Finally:  _ oh _ . 

‘Is this crazy?’, she whispered.

He gulped. ‘I don’t know. It doesn't feel crazy.’

‘But it is, right?’

‘Jules, everything that happened to us hasn’t been normal.’ Pulling back slightly, keeping their lower halves connected, he brushed hair from her face. ‘We got fucking tattoos. You knocked out a  _ cop _ . We’ve done more than some friends do in  _ years _ .’ 

‘I’m scared it’s just a spark. Like, adrenaline-filled attraction and that’s it.’ But her eyes yearned and were hopeful and he was falling in deeper. He frowned. She couldn’t think like that. 

‘C’mon Jules,’ he urged, ‘you and I both know that’s not true.’

A small smile crawled on her lips, averting her gaze. ‘ _ God _ , you have to stop looking at me like that.’

He puffed, amused. ‘Like what?’

‘Like  _ that _ ,’ she grinned. ‘With that smile.’

Luke didn’t think his smile has ever changed when it came to Julie. His gaze grew soft. ‘I’m just looking at you,’ he murmured.

Julie’s shoulders fell slack, reached up and pecked his lips - he would never get used to that. ‘Whatever…’ And then she let the air between them and stepped back into the car. 1-0 for Luke! 

He drove from the shoulder back onto the road, as if nothing has happened. Luke wasn’t sure whether he just imagined all of that. Julie sure looked confused too. 

‘So… you wanna figure this out?’, he asked. 

He caught her gaze, as she was already looking at him with so much trust it almost scared him. Julie was right: it was scary. But they were on the edge of greatness with this. He couldn’t let her slip from his fingers.

Before he could completely panic and rethink everything he said and did, she twisted in her seat and grabbed his hand. A determined look he so often saw on himself crossed her face. 

‘Yeah. Let’s figure it out.’

They decided that, for their last hours, to take the scenic route. Julie saw the sign and with one raised brow that took zero seconds to tempt him, he swerved to the right and nearly slammed into a tree. She yelled something like _ never mind you’re gonna kill us!  _ and then he yelled  _ nope no take-backs!  _ and then she yelled  _ if you don’t get this car back on the right side of the road I won’t kiss you again!  _ and then he got it under control and smoothly drove between the trees.  __

Pennsylvania was weirdly pretty. He thought it would only be asphalt and sad-looking shrubs, but the scenic route was  _ actually  _ scenic. Worth almost getting killed by some leaves. 

He let her play the Taylor Swift CD (why didn’t the klepto steal that one?) and encouraged him as he tried to scat along to a Fats Waller track. Miserably, - he was no Reggie - but they had fun regardless. Julie hadn’t laughed as hard as right now. It was as if every second that passed, pushed them to frantically grasp at every little thing possible and see what stuck. Every glance, every laugh, every note they sang. He was reminded of their conversation earlier today. He lied. It sounded harsh, but Luke thought they wouldn’t have been friends. She’d be off in her grief and stay with Flynn and he’d be too focused on Sunset Curve to even look up. And he hated that. Sure, being as driven and ambition as he was paid off, but what if Julie  _ did  _ actually go to his school? And then never met her? 

He wasn’t crazy. Soulmates didn’t exist and he would’ve been perfectly fine if he had never talked to her. But she made him  _ better _ . (Okay, it was fucking insane. But maybe that was the  _ whole  _ point. Luke always followed his gut feeling, even when it didn’t make sense. And if that meant scatting with Julie at the top of his lungs…) 

They stopped at little lookout point, Julie letting on old couple take a cheesy photo of them in front of a waterfall. Luke made up a whole story of how they were this committed, mormon couple from Utah going on a pilgrim’s journey to NYC. Julie melodramatically went along. It didn’t help that he was wearing a sleeveless shirt and Julie’s shorts were hidden by his red henley, but they believed it anyway. A gasp, a confused grimace and a picture later, the two snickered back to the car. 

‘Aw wait, that’s such a cute picture! Now I feel bad!’

She held her phone out, a pic of two worn-out teens snuggled on the wooden platform. He felt kind of prideful in the way they looked so comfortable with each other, like they actually were the couple from his story.

It was also just really funny. 

‘Jules, we were  _ terrible  _ actors! That’s on them for not seeing that!’ 

Walking to the car amidst the tourist buses, Julie grabbed a hold of his hand, intertwining their fingers. When his lips quirked, she shrugged innocently. 

‘And I thought  _ I’d  _ be the touchy-feely one,’ he teased with a stammering heart. 

‘You are,’ she quipped. ‘I think there are still some braids in my hair that I will never get out.’ 

‘Okay, now I didn’t  _ ruin  _ your hair.’

‘Debatable.’

‘And you like it so you have nothing to stand on,’ he argued, to which she shielded her face with her curls and he knew he won. He laughed. ‘I know you’re smiling!’

‘Shut up!’

‘Just admit that you’re the touchy-feely one!’

Just when he thought he had her checkmate, she ripped her hand from his and a smirk formed. ‘Oh? So you don’t like it? That I hold your hand?’

‘Wha-? No.’

‘It’s fine,’ Julie sighed, faux-dramatic. ‘I’ll just stop and stay on my side of the - ah!’

Luke scooped her up, her quickly latching onto his body as they twirled and laughed and she screamed _ okay you win!  _ across the parking lot until he got dizzy and nearly teetered to the ground. She promptly kissed his cheek and dropped back on her feet. He felt high. This was all date-stuff he heard Alex gush over when Willie was mentioned. Now he understood. Were Jules and him even dating? He assumed it was better to not label it.  _ Everything  _ they did over the past two weeks was best to remain unnamed. 

(He snuck up on her and kissed her again on the side of his car. She called him eager and he nodded with a goody smile etched on his lips because it was true and he couldn’t deny it. He was eighteen and dumb and falling hard for a girl and he was  _ eager _ .) 

Like any make-belief, it stopped. They could only stay on the scenic route for so long. Soon, Luke drove back onto the main road with Bowie blasting and Julie humming the lyrics. Both saw the signs that the state of New York was twenty, fifteen, ten,  _ five  _ miles away - neither said anything. There was nothing to say.  _ Welcome to New York _ taunted him, him sticking his middle finger out as they drove past the sign. Julie laughed. 

In between moments, Julie figured out how she’d get to Maine. There was a greyhound bus arriving every two hours on the outskirts of NYC, where she’d hop on for a seven hour ride to Searsport. She showed him some images. It was the kind of Hallmark town he expected, the absurd level of wholesomeness easing his mind a little. Despite her insecurities from before, she seemed excited. He should be excited too. For his own future plans. Playing in bars and subway stations and finding a job and figuring out if he wanted to move forward with the band - maybe even call his mom. But all he could think about was the seven hour drive, and how he wouldn’t be sitting next to her.

By six, they arrived. The sky was muddy colours of blue and grey and pink. He turned off the ignition and Simple Minds stopped singing. 

They stared at the piling queue, yards away, waiting for the bus to arrive. Julie remained motionless. Dread settled in his stomach. Stay. _ Stay. Stay.  _

When he didn’t say anything either, she crawled to the backseat and began to pack her bag. The backpack with patches of butterflies and emojis he quirked a brow at on their first day, now something that made him smile. She dumped all her clothes and snacks and tattoo supplies in without a care. Looking down, she tugged at the shirt she wore. 

‘Your-’

‘Keep it.’

He heard her smile. ‘Okay.’ 

They got coffee, just as watery as all the other ones they’ve bought, and sat on the hood of his car. It burned his tongue. He watched as Julie dug a pen from one of the sidepockets and wrote her number down on his hand.  _ 202-555-0198 _ . Something permanent. 

‘Don’t lose it,’ she pressed, her optimistic nature from before wavering. He wanted to question it, but there was no time. Unless she stayed. _ Stay. _

He nodded. ‘I won’t.’

Clamor came from the queue of people, both instantly looking in the in that direction and seeing people grab them bags and haul them over their shoulders. A dot on the horizon: the greyhound bus. Reluctantly, the two got off the car and made their way to the rest. They walked as slow as possible, which in any other situation would tempt him to make a joke about slow motion, if not for the possibility Jules would  _ actually  _ humour him and pretend to walk in slow motion and then she’d  _ have  _ to stay. They got in line. 

The greyhound bus trucked by, coming to a halt and slowly opening its doors. Luke held tightly onto her hand, trudging forward with each traveller that ascended the bus. The selfish part of him wanted to pull her out of the line and yell  _ stay!  _ from the chest, but Luke reckoned that part of him died when they fought. 

It was Julie’s time. 

Julie reached up and gently kissed his cheek, eyes shimmering with moisture as this was  _ honestly, officially, truly  _ the end of their trip.

‘Can you do something for me?’, she whispered. 

He gulped. ‘Anything Julie, you know that.’

She smiled, eyes roving across his face as fervently as he was, trying to remember this very last moment. 

‘Call me.’

Luke chuckled. ‘Sounds good.’ And then she let go of his hand and he started panicking again, willing his brain to find more words to say, to not let it end. She hitched her backpack on her back and got onto the steps.

‘Jules!’, he blurted. 

She turned around. His hand that reached out for her fell slack to his side. A trembling smile formed. ‘You never told me your top three.’

Tears broke free. Before he knew what happened, Julie crashed back into his arms with a start. Luke gripped onto her tight, burrowing his face into her hair. Her lips touched his ear as she uttered: 

‘Meeting you, singing with you, and falling in love with you.’ 

And then he felt her salty lips press against his one more time and disappear into the vehicle, doors slamming shut. She didn’t look back. He watched, numb, as she moved to the back of the bus and sat down at the window seat in the back. He grabbed his phone. 

It rang. Once, twice. The bus began to drive off. He barely saw her look down and pick up the device. It clicked. 

‘Hello?’

‘You said I needed to call?’ He heard her laugh through the receiver, the sound he missed already. The bus turned around the corner, fading from view. ‘My last name’s Patterson by the way.’

Julie grinned. ‘Nice to meet you, Luke Patterson. I’m Julie Molina.’

_ Molina _ . Julie Molina. It fit her perfectly. He let out a breath. 

‘Julie Molina,’ he said, ‘this is just the beginning.’

  
  
  
  


**F I N**

  
  
  
  
  
  


**oh wait:**

  
  
  
  
  
  


**@julie_molina followed @sunset.luke**

  
  
  
  
  
  


**yeah. now it’s over.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and... now it's really the end. honestly. the next chapter is multimedia (like their map!) and stuff that inspired me this month :)


	10. postscript

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> media i consumed while writing this story that inspired me

POEMS AND QUOTES

Have I lived enough?  
Have I loved enough?   
Have I considered Right Action enough, have I  
come to any conclusion?   
Have I experienced happiness with sufficient gratitude?  
Have I endured loneliness with grace? 

I say this, or perhaps I’m just thinking it.   
Actually, I probably think too much.

\- Mary Oliver, “The Gardener” from _A Thousand Mornings_

***

In the great silence of my favorite month,  
October the red of maples, the bronze of oaks  
A clear-yellow leaf here and there on birches),  
I celebrated the standstill of time. 

\- Czeslaw Milosz, New and Collected Poems: 1931-2001

***

And Then 

I always thought the words, _and then_ , were a prelude  
to something wonderful. Like seeing a ship come in  
or finding a note in your letterbox, when you weren’t  
expecting one. That swift, surprising transition from  
nothing to everything. 

_And then._

Two little words that hold a world of promise. 

_And then_ the light pierced through the dark,  
forbidding sky, and the rain stopped falling. 

_And then_ I met you.

\- Lang Leav

***

“We’re all just walking each other home.”

\- Ram Dass

***

“‘Do you fall in love often?’ Yes often. With a view, with a book, with a dog, a cat, with numbers, with friends, with complete strangers, with nothing at all.”

— Jeanette Winterson, Gut Symmetries

***

“I wonder what it’s like to be loved by you.”

\- Shawn Mendes, Wonder (when he screams it into the universe and it feels like a spiritual awakening. i always cry.)

***

“People think intimacy is about sex. But intimacy is about truth. When you realize you can tell someone your truth, when you can show yourself to them, when you stand in front of them bare and their response is ‘You’re safe with me’ - that’s intimacy.”

— Taylor Jenkins Reid, The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo

SONGS 

  * “que sera sera” by corinne bailey rae (the live version)
  * “put your records on” by corinne bailey rae
  * “life in the city” by the lumineers
  * “the middle” by jimmy eat world
  * “if i’m being honest” by dodie
  * “home” by catie turner
  * “coming home” by gabrielle aplin
  * “sleep on the floor” by the lumineers
  * “no particular place to go” by chuck berry
  * “bloom” by the paper kites
  * “wonder” by shawn mendes



ALSO

book: “on the road” by jack kerouac

show: Avatar: The Last Airbender S2E15: “Tales of Ba Sing Se”

video: The Lumineers: NPR Music Tiny Desk Concert

IMAGES!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i don't know why the pictures are blurry. i'll try and get a better resolution. 
> 
> no spin-offs, sequels, epilogues, translations or cross-posting, thank you and goodbye!


End file.
